Looking forward to tomorrow - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Looking forward to tomorrow

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I finish the day out at work tomorrow and then I'm off until after the holiday. It's not that people haven't been caring at work but I just can't cope with the loss of my mother. I have to just feel these feelings and there's nothing else I can do. I'm finding that the people who have had good relationships with their moms and lost them are helping me somewhat with sharing how they felt. I deleted her from my contacts in my cell today while out walking on my lunch hour alone. That hurt. So now I have all these pretty things of hers in my home but no mother. I wore her sweater to work today to feel close to her. Gotten lots of sympathy cards from coworkers. I like the ones about mothers - comforting. Then there's that whole orphan thing, people who have lost their parents are telling me about. I think I'm feeling that a bit although the recovering abf is very nurturing as I grieve. Eventually, I'm going to have to come back again from this childlike vulnerability to being his adult woman gf but we both know I need time to heal. Nothing from my big brother, functioning a. There's been nothing from him for years. After the funeral, we rode through the neighborhood, relived our childhood, he talked about old places and kids we grew up with. Bf said when the three of us went out to eat after I had this look on my face that showed contentment that I was with my brother again. I will be holding that memory a long time. My mother and I shared the same longing, we wanted him in our life but he wanted no part of us aside from meeting an obligation toward us. Letting go is hard but letting go due to the death of a loved one is easier to reason, letting go of someone trapped in the grips of alcoholism especially when they grew up beside you as your big brother who held your hand all the way to school is heartbreaking. I'm closing my eyes and trying to picture my higher powers arms around me now. I feel so tired you guys from noise and daily routines at work and I've only been in work two days. There are no more letters to write to my mom. Bf suggested I write them anyway and put them in my God box. I guess my faith is not so good. I'm afraid of the part where i seal the envelope and give it to God. I'm going to do it though. I've been making some program calls too. It's helped me feel less alone. Thanks for letting me share with you. Hugs. TT

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

((TT)) I understand what you're going through. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes we just have to hurt before we move forward . I am sorry for your loss of your mom, so sorry.

pw

Maxine12stepper · Veteran Member

Sending my love TT, ((((hugs)))) xx

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Something struck me in your post ''I just can't cope with the loss of my mother..."

But you ARE coping, TT. This is what it feels like for you. Grief is different for everyone. I remember when I was grieving ...and people thought I was taking too long to "get over it" -- each person has to slog through the loss in his/her own way. That is what you are doing.

Somedays it hurts so much you think you can't breathe. that doesn't mean you are "out of control" or "not able to cope" -- it means it HURTS. That pain is really hard to bear.

In times like these...ODAT applies so well..

Just keep going through the motions...and controlling the things you can...eat well, rest, stay hydrated...walk...breathe...

sending healing thoughts,

RP

LeenieBeanie · Senior Member

(((( TTT)))))

Sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent is devistating, but you will get thru this. Totally agree with Rehprof, you are grieving. And by taking it ODAT, the grief will someday subside. Just take care of yourself. As time goes on, one day you will not hurt as much, then the next day not so much, untill you feel the heaviness leave your heart.

Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

BTW, you are blessed that you have your wonderful BF at your side at this time . He sounds like a keeper !

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the loss of a parent in a dysfunctional family is a pretty hard undertaking. My two sisters grieved very differently than I did. In some ways they got into sentimentality on an overload. I am so glad you have at least one person to confide in. There are grief groups in certain areas which some people find really useful. I went to one years ago and I really found it very helpful for a while. Many people in those groups are from dysfunctional families.

I cannot think of any time that is harder to grieve than around Christmas/Thanksgiving. It seems like everyone is in a happy family situation and you are not. As someone who has been out of denial for a while I know that is not the reality but nevertheless it can feel like you are all alone. I had tremendously unrealistic expectations of my family of origin around Christmas. If anything my two sisters (who are alcoholics) go into high drive around the holidays and it is really hard to be around them and I usd to feel guilty about that. Now I do not. I have the right to take care of myself! There is a reason that so many areas have alcathons (that is 24 hour meetings) around this time because the holdiays bring up so much for everyone and so many people really struggle around them.

I hope you will find a way to switch off from the fantasy that everyone else is having a happy family time and you are not. Remember marketing is such that this is a time when retailers need to flood that image out there. After all they don't have marketing images for people on their own or people who are not celebrating because they want to convince people to over buy. There are ways to have a low key Christmas and Thanksgiving without feeling that you are not part of. I am glad your co workers are being kind to you and that you have had time to take stock.

I hope you will lean on al anon and at this time. Remember there is a chat room here, there are meetings here twice a day and there are no days off in al anon. I used to be absolutely heart broken that everything shut down over the holidays. I did not know how to take care of myself around the grief I felt at that time. You may not have a mother anymore but you are not alone. You have people here who love and cherish you and who care that you are hurting. Lean on this board and keep close to your program until the holidays are over. I know that I made real mistakes on putting a timeline on my grief. For me the grief took however long it did to work through and I made huge mistakes by allowing people to label me as failing when I didn't live up to their timelines. There is no timeline to letting go if you are committed to your program you are doing the best you can and that's all any of us can do.

Maresie.

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

TT: I could go on & on about how I feel about the loss of my father last year--he lost his battle w/ cancer less than 2 mos. after my step-mom died partially because she was overweight & couldn't get treatment for her liver. I feel like an orphan a lot because he is gone even though my MOM is still alive. I go through days of sadness & regret not to mention grief. I had a chance to talk to my dad right before he passed, but didn't take the opportunity. Now I live up here & he was down in CA when he died. I shouldn't feel so much regret but I felt it today. I am not trying to make it all about me. Just keep hold of the good memories. I have to.

My dad wasn't perfect, of course, but it seemed he tried to be there for me as much as he could; he did the best he could w/ what he had!

Enjoy your vacation! Something good will probably come out of it!

Kathleen

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

J I invite you to use the words, "I am learning to cope." If we tell ourselves we can't, then we can't.

I worked with sp needs kids. We were volunteering at a grade school in the kitchen. I lost it, mother was maybe a few weeks gone, I went into the cafeteria sat down and could not move or talk. Was all too soon.

We cannot make a broken arm work. We cannot make broken heart work. J it is a real break!

As you move through this time of loss, being kind to you, what I learned in my old age is this, you are healing. Things you cannot do, you will when you are ready. Things you can't answer, you will when you are ready.Things you feel or don't feel, there will come a time those feelings will be back.

I had to learn to listen to myself. If I fell asleep I did. There are times we just HAVE to listen to our hearts. My health is sooooo much better from eating right hp etc. But I do have days my fingers to my elbow ache so bad. Do I push me, nope, not anymore. I may take a day and sit on my bum all cozy in my chair surrounded by warm bodies and watch movies. May even fall aseep. bill did not get paid, didn't do dishes, floor has dog prints all over it.WHO CARES!! J your heart is number one. Nothing works with out it.

Let it heal. Embrace the pain, cry, sob, yell, blame. Yes the orphan thing is real. Being with out them is real.

Ya see J, everything in your life that was familiar has changed. Everything. Now your life is without mom. As time goes on, what "is" now will become your familiar.

for me it was and sometimes still is, sundays were with Mother, cooking something new was oh I gotta call MOther. My friends getting married oh Mother will go with me. We were always together. Then when she died, I could not go to her memorial, cuz she was not here to go with. ya i am crying for you.

Honey I invite you to let things be what they are. If you need a nap, take one, if you want a good chocolate cake and ice cream give it to you. If you don't want to cook go get enough Chinese or Thai to last a week!I ate chicken back then so lived off those roasted ones and fresh vegies and fruit!

I hung out in comfy cute cloths, baggy pg bottoms with some sexy tank top and a sweatshirt. lol oh and slippers. Thinking comfort helps. Need lots of water. Grieving is horribly hard work.

Glad you came here, please keep sharing your journy. we sure found us a good spot eh girly girl? I love you J, what can I do to help? Debilyn`

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Thanks ((((everyone))))) for sharing with me. It helps hear your personal experiences with grieving. I'm realizing this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Everyday seems like a new adventure in grieving. Went to my home group and have made four program calls since this post. I'm thankful for alanon member call lists. Been taking good care of myself - pretty much in easy does it mode - tired mostly, (probably from that panicky feeling I'm getting from facing my new reality), sleeping more soundly - total exhaustion, can only keep taking it a day at a time. TT

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs TT,

Loss is loss and everyone experiences grieving differently and the same. It's such an odd process. I just wanted to send you love and support it really does get better. It is so much better to grieve than to stuff the emotions too. Working at the funeral home you could really tell who was going to have difficulties in the grieving process and it wasn't the ones who cried and were mournful during the process of burying someone .. it was the people who had no emotions at all that by the end of the 3rd week (it's the pulling together the end of the paperwork stuff it can take a long time) you could see they weren't doing well at all.

Like any emotion grief is a good thing to allow to pass through just not to stay stuck in.

Hugs P :)

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

How great you are treating yourself gently, having compassion for yourself and taking it slow. What fabulous self care. That is a huge sign of recovery!

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.