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I know this is something no one can answer for me. Im more thinking out loud and venting, I guess?
My seven yr old knows the cycle with my AH as well as I do it seems. A lil background here. I adopted my son when he was 22 months old. His birth mother was an addict during pregnancy, after pregnancy and eventually took enough pills from a gallon ziplock of random pills to kill herself. My AH found her, thank goodness my son had been removed from her care 2 months earlier and was in daycare at the time. Now prior to the two months before my AH and son still lived there. She made his alcoholism and random drug use look mild, since she was hitting botttom. But the filth they lived in and neglect my son suffered was and is more than I can handle thinking about.
My AH got control and straightened up before and while we dated and now... with that said you know its a contant cycle of back and forth, but He is functioning alcoholic now. He can be an awesome dad and husband and can turn on a dime and seem like the devil (addiction at its finest)
He had a neck injury and was on pain med after his surgery.. they took him off a month ago (which he choose to tell me they took him off 3 months ago, I just came acroos this info) and his drinking is out of control again ! I do well detaching... my son stays with his grandma and papaw every weekend, I dont blame him you never know how bad a weekend of drinking can get .. I leave and stay with a friend or at a hotel if its too bad, but my son cant bear to leave his dad worried that something will happen to him. So if he's here I hafta stay and try to block out while the poo hits the fan.
So the last 3 wks my son's been acting out at school and being very disrespectful at home to me. He destroys toys (Im assuming from stress) but in the past when we have seperated he cries and gets depressed worrying about his dad. He see's his dad drinking and smells it on him like I do Im sure....
I dont know which is worse for him. I do think if my AH and I split he will binge bad enough to loose his job and our ins. (My son has to take meds to deal with what his birth mothers drugs did to his chemistry makeup etc) I know he could hit bottom even with me but so far thats not the case.
I tell my son that "dad has a problem with alcohol and it has nothing to do with us. Its like if we have a cold, no one is to blame. We just go to the doctor and get help. I tell him dad just hasnt chosen to get help with his drinking problem yet. But it is NOTHING he or I or anyone else has done." I know he's young but I never want him blaming himself !!
But his acting out at school ??? I dont know how to fix this, he probably doesnt undertsand he's waiting for the cycle to cycle again.. I havent told the school becasue I dont want him labeled "a child with bad family life" small town and ppl will talk and it would crush him .... so any suggestions out there??
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
My only thought would be counseling for him, I have had both my kids 4 and 14 meet a counslor that deals with families of alcoholics. More people will be along soon with better ESH, it's late and it takes a little time sometimes. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
there's always alateen as well .. maybe a little young yet but it could be in his future .. so helpful .. i have a daughter too who has to go through the abandonment pain .. they are just so little and have absolutely no concept .. at that age, everything seems or feels like it is about them .. that they were somehow bad or not good enough .. as a mother, this is just so painful to watch .. I do not know of anything else to help me through it as well as alanon .. i had tried everything else .. therapy is good too but for my experience only, i knew i couldn't do anything without a higher power .. it's the spiritual foundation (not religious) of the steps that allows me to hear what others have to say .. Keep sharing when needed and gain your support .. things take time, they don't magically get better .. but it's progress not perfection .. I know for me when I get into the obsession of how to fix my child, I can't win .. the obsession for me is looking for the perfect right answer .. there just isn't one .. talking and honest communication is the best we can do for them .. I've heard it said every honest relationship must have trust .. if i'm honest, i know my child will be able to trust me (within reason according to age, etc.) it's one day at a time .. maybe looking into healthy ways for children to release their anger; I know mine acts out too .. for awhile we also tried therapy and the therapist recommended playing with her 15 minutes a day in a setting where she gets to completely control the play .. this allows her to have some choices and work through .. it's a setting where nothing much gets censored and we don't ask questions, we just let them lead it .. in that 15 minutes she gets the choice also of helping to clean up toys or sitting out this time .. the rest of the day she needs to clean them but this is what was recommended for us .. we're still in therapy but again without alanon's spiritual foundation, it would be ineffective for us .. (I believe) good luck in this . just sharing my own experience only .. she does seem to be improving to a degree ..
Claudia Black writes about the effects alcoholism has on kids...primarily the 3 rules...don't talk, don't feel, don't trust...
I would suggest trying to open the lines of communication with him..so he can get some validation for what he is feeling. My kids got good support at school...even in elementary grades our school had guidance people who helped with divorce groups for the kids...etc...so they can be a huge help for kids...
What happens with my kids is that they want to protect me from stress -- so they don't share their feelings with me...that's where a counselor or guidance dept. at school can help...it's a place they can put their feelings without stressing mom out...
my kids are still struggling with their Dad's behavior....emotionally...it's really tough...
