feeling betrayed - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

feeling betrayed

avid · Member

I am not proud of myself for feeling the way I do.

I know I'm being self centered. There are those who have been seriously impacted by my friends relapse

but I am being honest, if not particularly spiritual.

I have a very close friend. A guy who I see several times a week, and talk to via phone virtually everyday.

We tell each other everything. A real rarity among men, but we can spend 30 or more minutes on the phone daily

sharing our deepest emotions, fears, doubts, resentments, you name it.

So yesterday he tells me that he has been drinking hard for the past 3 weeks, and his wife is going to throw him out.

He drove his 6 year old home from the park where he got drunk and put the child at serious risk. He was so drunk that within minutes of

getting home he passed out.

I was stunned. I had no idea. During the past 3 weeks our conversations were totally normal. Laughing, empathizing, sharing, just like always.

He said up untill the past few days he didn't start drinking untill the evening and we see and talk to each other during the day.

I really felt betrayed.

But here is the real kicker. I understand that he would he would want to try and hide his drinking from his wife, but I can't accept that he

would hide it from me.

there I said it.

I know how unbelievably egotistical that sounds. I mean, did I really make this guys personal and family tradegy all about me?

Anyway. there it is. The saving grace here for me is that I have not, nor do I intend to let him know how I feel. I have always been a

source of support for him and will continue to be. He and his wife have alot on their plate.

But I had to get this out.

If there is anyone out there who can relate to this, I would love to hear from you. I don't like being ashamed of my feelings.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Avid I'll bet that you have just felt what his spouse has been feeling for a longer period of time. You describe as being qualified for the program because someone elses drinking now disclosed hurts your pride and ego...bingo!! that one got me also and so many many other members of the program. Hurt like that I learn meant that I had some unwarranted expectations of the person. They had to be "different" in order to be with me...conditional acceptance was a huge stumbling block for me and I'd get angry...no...rageful. That wasn't about me being bad or immoral...it was about me being affected by the disease of alcoholism and I had to get to and then into the face to face meetings of the family groups in order to come to awareness and change. I am soooo grateful that happened.

In support. (((hugs))) smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Avid, I think you show a lot of compassion and grace concerning your friend. Naturally, you're disappointed, who wouldn't be. Maybe your friend is giving you the best he has right now. Who knows why hp put the two of you on one another's path. Maybe more will be revealed in time. Hugs. TT

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Well an alcoholic would want to hide their drinking from themselves so how would they get to share it with you.

I think the instant intimacy around an alcoholic/addict can be heady stuff. They can seem so unbelievably close/honest and personal and every friendship is a "best" friendship. They don't seem to have any acquaitances do they? Evey relationship is pretty loaded. For me personally having acquaintances is a great thing these days. Imagine liking just discussing the weather or the neighborhood with people.

I felt absolute undying loyalty to alcoholics/addicts before. I felt responsible for their problems for most of my life but now I don't. I think the best thing with any alcoholic/addict is to let them know in very clear terms that their drinking is not okay by you. Of course most active alcoholics are not going to want to get out of secrecy or the whole bounday bluring issue. None of us know who we are around them, are we friend/best friend/ alternative to spouse What? I think it is pretty normal to be shocked, angry and really upset to find out that anyone is behaving in such a self destructive fashion. The kicker in al anon is to learn ways not to be pulled in to being responsible for someone else's choices.

I am sure your friends wife does know about the drinking. After all it is pretty hard to hide that there is a hole in the finances or someone is gone for a long long time. Maybe they just do not know how to address it but I am pretty certain at least on some level they do know.

I am well aware of what it is to be around people who drink and drive. One of my neighbors is currently on a binge which has gone on for a few months now there is no sign of any let up. He has a sister who has stage IV cancer, children (albeit grown up) and grandchildren. What a lovely Christmas present to them for him to be injured in a drunk driving situation? What a great holiday they are going to have around someone who is behaving like a big baby who lashes out at everyone, feels everyone owes him and acts like a infant but unfortunately one who has a car to kill other people with while he tantrums that life is not being fair to him? Alcoholics are magnets for resentment, rage, exasperation and frustration. Detachment is the only way to stay sane around them. I hope you will be willing to learn how to do that because that is one of the best ways you can be "there" for him and his wife and his child. By detaching you can get some clarity on the alcoholics, denial and absolute hell bent self destruction.

I am glad you are aware that his child is "at risk" because that is a real eye opener. Since you have that information you can decide what to do with it and you can be the responsible party because clearly your friend isn't.

Maresie.

Flame · Member

Your post and the ensuing response brought up a lot for me. I took my A's secrecy and seeming lack of trust very, very personally and that led to our break-up many years ago. After not speaking with him for 20 years we mysteriously became very close again after a five-year sober period for him. I was able to re-examine all the thinking that had gone into not only the break-up but also the relationship. Hindsight is 20/20. It was only at that time that i understood Alanon's "detach with love" premise and apply it. I saw that this disease is not simple to understand. Nothing really makes sense to the non-A. I had assumed that the incredible intimacy we had experienced was a figment of my imagination and his evil manipulation and that tore us apart. He was just BAD as far as I was concerned. But with the distance of all those years i was able to see that the the intimacy we had experienced was absolutely real which enabled me to stop berating myself for "being such an idiot." This disease protects itself. Like some sort of canny but scared cannibalistic animal it will eat it's own in order to feed itself. We are all just remnants of this behaviour. This is no reflection on you nor does it excuse the actions of the A. this realization helped me to forgive myself for loving him so much and be kinder to myself around the whole issue. I also came to see that many, many of the lessons i had learned as the result of his bad behaviour were things i needed to know anyway. The loyalty i feel for my A now contains no responsibility component. He is entitled to kill himself if he wants to, that is not up to me, but I should thank him for leading me to learn the really hard lessons. If i can one day love myself as much as i love him, I will be a very happy person. I work on that everyday. I know it took 20 years for all of this to be revealed and I have to believe our HP brought us back itogether because more learning needs to be done.
Good luck to you.

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