The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, my name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
One thing that Al-Anon has given me and continues to give me over time is clarity. Clarity in my thoughts and clarity in situations. Over my time in Al-Anon I found I have been able to now distinguish which relationships in my life are healthy ones and which are not.
I find that as time progresses, my friends seem to change and my enthusiasm to associate with certain people dwindles. This weekend, I have plans to go to an event with a large group of people. They are friends of mine from the years before I began attending Al-Anon. They are very big into binge drinking, gossiping, taking peoples inventories and consistently one-upping the other when it comes to drinking and life in general. I am of the opinion that several of them are alcoholics, however it is not up to me to qualify them.
One of the members is someone who I believe is an alcoholic and has been for a long time. What gives me this impression is that he spends a lot of his time hanging out at a bar. He is a regular. He has become friends with the owners. He would rather be there than at home with his wife and she is never around when he comes out. Reading that over, I am letting his disease get to me. Many of them are in relationships that I classify as dysfunctional. There is tension, name-calling and just not the kind of relationship that I would want to be around.
Anyway, this person felt that it was their responsibility to take over the co-ordination of this event. He has not been pleasant to deal with, in fact he has become somewhat arrogant and condescending. I find that over time when he invites me places I have begun to decline more and more. I have been slowly distancing myself from him and this group of friends.
The thing is, I feel that I am in the wrong here and I am afraid that I am acting irrationally? I feel like I am abandoning my friends. I feel like I am isolating myself but in actuality me and my life are adjusting after 2.5 years of re-tooling and re-focusing what I want, after discovering who I truly am and knowing what I want in my life. I realize I cannot achieve this stuff with certain people around and that includes some of them. I choose not to spend my spare time at a bar, complaining and comparing myself to others. I dont want them to think that something is wrong with me? Is there? Am I isolating? I attend about 2-3 meetings a week, play indoor soccer, work. I dont know.
When I quit drinking/using I had to separate myself from my so-called group of friends. I discovered that if I didn't participate in their chaos, being around them was just not fun anymore and came to realize that the associations kept me from healing & moving forward. They brought absolutely no joy or value to my life...only dispare.
I soon made new friends, being careful to spot red flags and look at new friendships in a totally different way. I did spend a lot of time alone but that was ok because there was peace and serenity in my life for the 1st time ever.
Don't 2nd guess your instincts - they are God-sends.
I have lots of new friends since Al-anon, because I slowly outgrew a few of the old ones over time. I now have a very high quality and understanding group of friends that love me and don't judge me, we keep each other growing and accountable and can laugh our butts off over things that used to send me on a 3 day obsessing spin. All in the name of growth and it's so very worth it, but it comes with lots of change when you are ready to embrace it. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It sounds like you are going through (or have just been through) the significant growing up period that happens in a person's mid twenties to mid 30s. Perhaps you are closer to being a more settled down grown up. It's a good thing. Alcoholics miss the bus and pay for it later. Trust me...I did.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 15th of November 2012 09:18:49 AM
I think personally that I am an inveterate people pleaser. I want everyone to like me and dysfunctional alcoholics don't really like anyone. They make a good play at it but in reality they hate everyone and especially hate thermselves.
The chaos, the power plays the unpleasantness is all part of it. I think it is a huge step to see that this way of socializing does not work for you anymore. I know in my program I often have to ask for help around my feelings for people I once was entirely enmeshed with. I had no ability to say no and what's more what I really notice around alcoholics/addicts is that they absolutely hate/abhor and over react to anyone saying no to them.
Sometimes some of us have to stick around and observe ourselves in certain situations for a while. For most of us self preservation and making the "right" choice doesn't appear overnight. For many of us there is a gap between letting go of the past and finding new ways of being.
I think this is normal part of life. Sometimes we just outgrow people. Guilt gets me too. I have to ask myself- what am I guilty of? Not wanting to hang out in a depressing bar with depressing people? Well, go me!
I let go of a particular friend who was/is a major pothead. Moving to the other side of the country (for other reasons) helped ensure a natural barrier. And I let myself see what a fair weather friend she really was. Only called when she had a problem for me to try and fix. Never called me back when I had a problem and wanted her insight. I loved her, but that was the extent of our friendship. So I just let go. Many friends like this. Most, in fact. I don't have many friends, currently. Am in that in-between. But I know I can and will meet people who share my (new) values and will honor my friendship as I will honor theirs. Good riddance to the soul-suckers, I say. All I can do is pray for them and leave them to their devices.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
