For me the holidays with the ex A (and there were 7 of them) were an opportunity to plunge into despair, resentment, envy and really a huge spiral downward for myself.  I spent many of them racked in grief, sobbing and feeling absolutely abandoned, ignored and totally disrespected by him.   Naturally the ex A got something out of that I so desperately wanted him to do things that showed some kind of a respect, caring and acknowledgement of my wish to have some kind of caring loving celebration. In some ways he gloated over my dependence on him and gloated over how he chose time and time again to do everything he could be destroy whatever I tried to create with his contempt and grandiosity.   I proved to myself over and over he was not capable of  cooperating, being warm, kind and loving around those times.  He could give gifts and even cards but that was far as it went. 

I once paid for us to go on a holiday to a beautiful spot  as number of hours away which  I now know he found incredibly difficult because there were no drugs or alcohol there but I was clueless over why he was so agitated and remote all the time we were away (which was pretty short).  At one point he insisted we go "home" (that was to his mothers the furtherest thing I ever knew from a home for me)  early and I was devastated and did not know how to take care of myself and went into a whole spiral of resentment and envy.  I read it that he was not willing to meet me on any level with regard to the effort, money and time I had put in to take us to somewhere nice.  In fact the reality was that he was wanting to do drugs and that was all he cared about at the time.  That was it perfectly simple on a holiday his idea of a good time was to do drugs and drink until he passed out.  I spent years envying his family (who he spent the holiday with). I spent years resenting that he didn't appreciate my efforts but most of all I spent years feeling abandoned, left out and for some reason I thought some person or his family were getting more than I had.  In fact all he really wanted to do was to get wasted with his brother and he didn't really care about the meal (although he ate it of course). His mother got a few crumbs of appreciation but not that much at all for all her efforts which were considerable.   One year I even cooked a really spectacular meal for his friends and the A passed out right on the table. He felt that showed how happy he was to get absolutely what he wanted for the holidays.  He had what he wanted and I had no idea how to get what I wanted because all of that was tied up around him and I had no way to detach, stop obsessing and take care of myself.

Please keep in mind that I grew up in a family where Christmas was the high point and low point of the year.  My mother stocked up for ever starting in August.  She decorated, sent cards and put up a tree.  Since she was deeply depressed this was a huge effort on her part.  The present giving eventually became a huge contest between me and my sisters and the whole occasion was mired in issues, emotions and inevitably great tension, stress and generally huge disappointment on my part. Every year I hoped that my mother and father would see me and appreciate me and every year they poured their appreciation, love and sole focus on my elder sister.  I felt ignored, abandoned and most of all absolutely livid and that's how I have pretty much spent my entire life on the holidays.  I took years and years in therapy to understand why and how they could do that kind of destructive behavior.   Yet even with that knowledge I continued to bring all the same feelings from my childhood into every single holiday and I could so easily go back to that base point this year because that is what I know.  I do not really know how to have a holiday season which is loving, caring and full of mutual delight.  Mutuality is not something I can "do" over the holidays, maybe at other times but the holiday is like a big abysss pretty much for me most of my life.  Generally I have focused on someone else, the ex A, the therapist, someone anyone to make it right for me but of course none of them can or will do that. 

Since I left the ex A I have had my share of misery, disappointment and generally feeling abandoned but on a much more muted scale.   I got to being totally distraught with the ex A I never got to that point since although I can come close to it if I really try!  At some point I got to a place of self preservation but even then I was still grieving and remonstrating at the now ex A's behavior around the holidays.  I took his desire to get completely loaded, pass out and absolutely ignore any of my needs very very personally.  Really that is all he knows how to do on the holidays, anyone elses wants, desires or requests don't come into the picture at all. That doesn't make it right but that is the reality and one I never could accept, move past or even understand until now.   This year my plan is to have a really low key holiday and to give myself space to allow whatever comes up to come up.  I am opting out from putting myself in a place where disappointment or expectations go awol.  I am glad to be in a place of self preservation but I know that the holidays are pretty difficult for me and I need to tread really lightly.  

I would really like to know how others plan to take care of themselves and to acknowlege just how far out there it is easy to be around an alcoholic/addict on the holidays. I went there completely and the price was incredibly high and I had no idea I had any choice in the matter.  I have to look at how I let myself spiral completely out of control every year with him without fail.   There was something very very self destructive about that.

Maresie.