The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in communication with my ex AH recently, due to the fact that my accountant insists we resolve an issue from our divorce once and for all, my exAH has not taken action on dividing some assets, (company stock) which he was supposed to do immediately following our divorce, over 4 years ago...
I had a hunch he was doing it on purpose, so after the meeting with my accountant, I started the free-fall fear thing, got into my car and started sobbing and talking to God.(I was actually yelling but I was taught God is big enough to take it.)so I yelled,
YOU KNOW HOW I HATE THIS!!!!!YOU KNOW HOW THIS SCARES ME!!!!!!sob... sob.... sob....
Very quickly, a wave of calm came over me. and I heard, "I love you. all you gotta do is the next right thing.and then the next right thing.and then the next..."
that was a peaceful moment.
In the following days, I began doing the next right thing, first I had the decree reviewed again by an attorney. (I am protected and confident I will get what is owed to me. eventually.not expecting it any time soon.) Then I contacted my ex-husband to ask him to please take care of this.The response was what I feared it would be, he is asking me to take less since he has run out of money.
My moments of fear have been popping up, I don't need the money "today," but I do need the money. my old programming, my brain is certainly doing its thing, the stories in my head can be relentless.Fear that he is too proud to "lose" this... fear of the consequences of standing up to him, fear that he is "bigger" than me and I cant win, fear of his revenge, fear of how far he will take this, fear that his lies might be true, (yep, I start second-guessing my own sanity again,) fear of being the wounded animal again like old timesand of course, fear that somehow I'm going to end up eating worms, penniless and homeless.
Thanks to al-anon, today, I am able to recognize when life is feeling unmanageable.and I know the next step is to pray. when I'm not trusting God, I need help. This week, I have slowed things down a lot and I'm including extra meetings to my schedule, those things just kinda pour grace over me, I always walk away transformed.
I put my ex-husbands nasty email (accusing me of going back on my word, what an awful person I have become, etc. etc.) in my God Box.I put my own replies in there too, which are equally as venomous and full of long explanations, they just dont look like the next right thing yet. It's the best I can do today though, and as long as I don't act on it, I'm okay. For me, I have to practice restraint of pen and tongue because I have had to learn that one the hard way.which is "the wisdom to know the difference," perhaps.
Today, I am grateful. Today I have guidance to do something different.If I keep practicing my program, I don't have to be left to my own devices, which is fear.I'm going to try to avoid a game of volleyball with Higher power, taking back what I've given to Him.
The universe loves and supports me, I have no reason to doubt that. Today, I am firm in my decision to turn my will and my life over to His care and I'm going to just keep doing the next right thing - just keep acting like Im working a 12-step program. hahaha
This is a long ramble, but I got my clarity, if you got through it, thank you for listening (((MIP family)))I am so glad I dont have to do this alone.
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 14th of November 2012 10:30:08 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Sounds like an awesome program at work in the heat of it! Inspiring really, since I have had to talk with my exAH lately about the holidays coming and trading kids, things always get muddled. You have inspired me to do the next right thing and not continue with another email. It is done and I am moving on with my day. Thanks! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Your share brought tears to me eyes because it's where I want to be someday. To be able and willing to hand it back to God when I recognize I'm trying to take control back.
But, you ARE working a 12 step program, even though you said you were 'acting like you were'. You didn't send the nasty message back, you put it in your God box where it belongs. Can't say I'd do the same, LOL! Hey, I did put something in my God box today, though, but man it's so tough to leave it there! Thanks for sharing!
I keep thinking about this post. Thank you for sharing!
When things are going well I tend to forget that I live with an active disease. Then something comes up to remind me. I've learned to not stop reading or attending meetings no matter how good or bad things may be.
I can so relate to sitting in the car and crying and hearing that voice, that tells me everything is going to work out and to trust!
