The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Detachment is a powerful concept that has enabled me to stop feeling as if it was my job to fix everyone's problem . It provided me with the ability to take a step back-- Not re-act, look objectively at a situation, determine how I best respond while keeping the focus on myself . Knowing that I am responsible for my own life and feelings, and that I must give others the respect to make their own choices and live their life as they see fit.
The inner attitude that I perform detachmentis another process and a gift of alanon. In the beginning I could only detach "With an ax or anger " -- Meaning I had to cut all ties completely --stop engaging in the relationship, stop talking to the person in order to achieve detachment.
Then I learned to detach with indifference. Meaning I had built a wall - I did not permit myself to care about the person.
Finally after working the Steps and having a Spiritual Awakening I learned that I was powerless over others, that there was a Higher Power that I could trust. This being so I could let go of my need to take care of people, and understood that we each were all human beings entitled to respect, understanding, love and support.
Right now, I'm in the place that Betty mentioned above: detaching with indifference. I'm working my program but I am struggling to find a balance between indifference and stepping on someone else's toes, LOL. I am kind, I am thoughtful, and I am working hard at approaching things by keeping peace in mind. It's hard, honestly. I think it's a process and that everyone's path will be different depending on their relationship and situation and where the other person is, as well. My AH makes things difficult because he has shut down and shut me out, he won't even talk to me about his dental appointments. I barely get yes and no answers from him, so it makes it very difficult to communicate with him and even 'try' my tools. It's like he's taking away my practice field, if that makes any sense. But, that doesn't bother me because I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and that's where detachment comes in. I am letting him BE. Be himself, be angry, be drunk, be not drunk, be passive aggressive, be depressed, etc and I am NOT trying to fix him. Honestly, I think it's harder for him than it is for me at this point. I've rocked the boat, and he doesn't know what to do. I'm giving him the dignity and the time to figure it out on his own. It's time for him to grow up and take care of himself. I guess this is what they call 'tough love'? Hugs to you, I know how hard it is and we're all on our journeys here, but all in different places today.
I'm also in the period of detach with indifference. It's been 3 weeks now and I'm a little lost thinking I'm abandoning him. I hate this no contact but I know I'm not ready for anything else because I will start my enabling again. I'm very co-dependent so it's hard for me to say NO. I love him very much and I hope he knows that. I want to be able to care the right way but I'm lost at the moment.
Let Go and Let God.......I have to say it every hour :)
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Aloha Avid and great self care reaching out for help from others with more experience. This is what I also had to learn how to do when I first got into program. My sponsor taught me that "Being Humble was being teachable" and the teachers are here and in the program.
I learned detachment on several different levels over time because I did what was habit for me which was the care taking. I sat in meeting after meeting learning...listening to others tell their stories and at the same time tell me about me and what I was doing that wasn't working. I was raised the "enabler" and when I came to understand that I understood that I did it by habit...without thinking. So I started with "thinking" about what I was doing and why...what was I getting out of it...had I been successful with it before with the alcoholics in my life and didn't they all have the time, ability and facility to take care of their own needs. Why did I plunge into other peoples lives and business without even asking and acting like I was "Mr. Fix it"? I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know...I needed to know and one of the things I needed to know was that people were not better off because of my efforts and often they were worse so I had to "tweak" my involvement by using compassion and understanding and then not hanging on and trying to fix it for them and only sharing my experience with their condition if I had ever had the experience. If I didn't I said so...so that they could hear it and I could hear it. Detaching mean't for me keeping my dysfunction out of their dysfunction and respecting that they could and would grow in solution if they went after the solutions the way I was being taught.
With Love I found out was a personal characteristic...it isn't conditional. Love as I have been taught and now accept is the "unconditional acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are"...in my definition you exist just as you are...I have no need to change or fix you to fit into a special slot...you are loved. Love for me is the formal name of my Higher Power and what my Higher Power does for me without stopping. So I try to duplicate that 24/7. People are not unacceptable to me today...what they do might be at time...and not them. HP has us all.
Just for me...in support and keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Its not something you learn overnight. I was doing well with it and I don't care who you are, where you've been, how much growth you've had we are humans. We are not perfect and the day we think so, might as well give up! I had a couple of good goes at detaching with love. It was basically just taking my reaction and emotions out of the equation, approaching the person as you might a total stranger you met on the street in a crisis. As a stranger you do not feel responsible for fixing this person but you might offer a listening ear or a couple of thoughts. But basically you allow them the right to decide for themselves what is right or wrong.
Then you allow them the natural consequence of the choice. You step back after they decide and bow out. You might pray for them or hope for the best but it's their decision.
This isn't easy when you love someone. I also recently had a very not detached, not with love reaction and I told myself it was OK as long as I recognized it, apologized for my part in it, learned from it and did not beat myself up for it. So I did just that and accepted that I'm human and will screw up sometimes. So it's something we learn I think the more we practice it, the easier it gets but you know sometimes it's just normal human behavior to react. We just have to make amends and get up and start over and try again.
At first I dettached with anger, then indifference and in time I learned to do it with love. It took quite a bit of Al-anon for me to find the compassion I now have for my exAH. I was very hurt at first and had to just distance myself and start to take care of myself and put myself together again. After I started working my steps and seeing myself more clearly I was able to stop feeling the victim and realize that my exAH didn't need my wrath or pity any longer. I now give him the respect to live his own life and space to do it without trying to manage his life for him. This was very hard for me and took me quite a bit of time to let go and Let God with him. Funny how I was mismanaging my own life, but I was certain I could manage his better, it was easy to find the time for healthy hobbies when I stopped trying to control him. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My mother, one of the many A's in my life, developed schizophrenia before she finally died from cancer. So she had 3 diseases. Alcoholism, cancer, mental illness. I remember one of her doctors saying to me, in regards to her schizophrenia, to be understanding when I spoke to her about the delusions she was having. I think the line was "Well I believe that you believe that." And I had no difficulty with that. She was ill and therefore not responsible for the behavior. And towards the end, just before she went on the morphine drip, she used to scream at me to do something. But I couldn't help her. I couldn't take the pain away. I was actually happy for her when she passed and was no longer feeling all of that. Well, that's another story. My point is that I tried to separate her from her illnesses, because regardless of all the problems she caused in my life, she WAS my mother, so I cared deeply for her and if I didn't detach then my alternative would be to enable her. I had Al-Anon in my life during those last few weeks and that helped. Because I could love her despite her disease. I only wished I had found the program sooner so that we could have had more time as a family.
I think this probably didn't answer your question, but I needed to say it out loud anyway.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
I do hear you I too was concerned and a care taker because in the end if the people that I worried about did fall , II would feel responsible to help fix a much bigger problem. As a parent your position and concerns are legitimate.
Alanon tools, meetings, sponsors, and the Steps helped me to let go of projecting, and living in fear. I was given constructive tools to replace these negative attitudes and fear. I learned how to respond to situations that once baffled me.
I actually was given serenity, courage, and wisdom that enabled me to take care of myself while being compassionate, understanding and generous to others.
I can definitely relate to the whole issue of when to step in and when to step off. Certainly when the ex A was abusing our dogs I did not just let them stay with him. I went in and took them away from him. I didn't do that with force, confrontation or a huge blow up. I just pointed out that maybe the dogs would be better off with me. They were. At some point the ex A came back and said he would like to take one of the dogs. He trotted off with the dog down the street. The dog looked incredibly reluctant to go with him. I knew it was headed for total chaos and more neglect. I followed the ex A down the street, stopped him and told him that I would take care of the dog for the time being. Again no conflict, no huge fight, no big blow up. Did taking the dogs involve a huge sacrifice for me, financial commitment, and readjusting my life, certainly it did. Do I regret doing it not for one minute.
There are times when you can step in and intervene without causing even more chaos and disruption. Those times tend to evolve pretty naturally when you have the program pretty close.
I know people who are currently in the throes of an addiciton. At one point they were in recovery and at that time I dealt with them. Since they have relapsed I have set great distance from them. Do I blow up at them and make ultimatums. Nope. I just remove myself from their lives. I know engaging with them would involve some kind of chaos and I have had enough chaos for a life time. Do I find it hard to do that not really but I have had to practice boundaries, detachment and total commitment to taking care of myself to get there. Do I have moments when I resent them, yep but it doesn't flood my life in the same way it used to. I lived, ate, slept real hate and loathing for the now exA. That kind of toxicity was not exactly healthy for me. In fact I have proven to myself that when I get agitated about something I have no control over my blood pressure goes up. So I have to find a way to detach.
In the past I would beat myself to a pulp about whether or not I could achieve something like detaching with love. I felt that recovery was some kind of a race and if I wasn't in the top tier I wasn't working a true program. Nowadays I am the only "judge" of my program. I know I do the best I can every day. If I detach in anger, indifference or not absolutely perfectly at any time its fine by me. Detaching is a skill it has to be worked to be efficient. Some days my ability to work detachment is not as great as another day that is perfectly appropriate and not something that should be judged, labelled or assessed on some scale.
Aloha again Avid...Our program of change takes courage. Read the Serenity Prayer and you'll see what we all come up against when we turn ourselves and all of our problems over to a power "Greater than Ourselves" It's gotta be greater than ourselves or it won't work.
You can scroll back thru the posts and see where others have checked in with almost the same story as yours and if they continued on with the suggestions they got; how they are doing now.
My early sponsor told me that "I was to separate myself from all things alcohol (ic) (ism)" in order for me to be able to see things that are different than my usual. I found that almost a insurmountable change and incomprehensable suggestion because everything in my life at that time was tied to the chemical and the outcome of addiction to it. I was addicted to that form of living so the suggestion to change it all was hard to stomach. In fact he told me that "I only had to change one thing...everything" and then I went after it because the alternative for me was to die crazy...the disease was killing me and I was insane. When I went ahead with the suggestion and into the practice...my life got quiet (eerie) and I had lots of time on my hands. I didn't have people to fix and I was lost so I doubled up on the program or else and the or else came about because I'm a taught and practiced fixer from my family of origin so the doubling up on the meetings and sponsor and step work and traditions and expecially my HP worked best over time. When I took my self out of my alcoholics lives which included my elders son and his wife (then girlfriend) I could see the good stuff and tragic stuff that came about and how it resolved itself without my active participation not all of it was pretty and all of it was their choices...Good things happened also which I had nothing to do about and so there it was...moving without me; without my judging and critiquing and standing in the directors box or whatever. We've had out "get to gethers" regarding concerns; mostly theirs and in the end we state our experience, strength and hop and then back away from their choices and outcomes. My wife and I stay within our Al-Anon Programs and don't try to sell any part of it to others especially family. We suggest and then we drop it. "To thine own self be true" is a good guide for us.
Love for love's sake and love always makes for great character.
I would highly recommend the book Getting them Sober. Toby Rice Drew (the author) has a good understanding of the issues you bring up.
For some people driving off the cliff is where they get to with their alcoholism. On occasion some of them take their family too.
Naturally anyone around an alcoholic will feel indignation, resentment and a lot of really difficult emotions when they are around someone who is acting in such a self destructive fashion. The problem is, as you have come to see, is that many members of the family are affected by the alcoholism.
The question of Daddy please help has been addressed by many people. You are not alone in knowing this was and is a common refrain. There are many many people in the program who have walked in those shoes. Some of them manage to retain their sanity while they do it.
I do believe that Getting them Sober addresses many of the issues that are really problematic, detaching, expectations and what is enabling and what is not. There are also opportunities to get further wisdom in a program by getting a sponsor (that is someone who you go to with the issues and who helps you not go insane around them) and other options. There are numerous books by authors who have dealt with a child/son/family self destructing on alcohol. One of them that immediately comes to mind is Beautiful Boy.
Where you are now, being upset, infuriated and bewildered is pretty normal for anyone being around an alcoholic being swamped by feelings is pretty much the normal/ feasible usual way to deal with such a horrible situation. I know that alcoholism/drug addiciton would and can destroy me in the same way as it does the addict/ alcoholic. For me the key issue was to give up "my way" and ask other people how they managed to not be swallowed whole by the problems. That was the core piece in being willing to get better rather than go off the cliff myself.
