Acknowledging how I still feel - Al-Anon Family Group

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Acknowledging how I still feel

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Here I am two years away from the intensity of the madness, one plus year divorced. Song in my head spinning around - Dido, I will go down with this ship. Looked up the lyrics to see if they meant what I thought they said, yup, I will go down with this ship, I will put up my hands and surrender, there will be no white flag upon my door, I'm in love, and always will be.

This is how I feel today - missing the person I thought was going to grow old (at my age, grow older more like it) with me. I can't ever go back, and that makes me sad; I can't ever have that same sweet quiet time with a man whose hands fit so well with mine, whose shoulder seemed made for my weary head and who still dwells in my heart. Oh, it is so like a death, remembering the good things - those good things that made giving up because of the bad things so d*** hard to do. Walking in the woods, listening to the sounds of nature, missing him walking beside me - so like a death only I can't lay on his grave and weep.

Not a pity party, just feeling - understanding that the depth of love for the good man is what kept me trying so hard when things were so bad.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Totally understand. I think it's what keeps me in my marriage, despite the craziness. I know there's a good man in there, I want to love him and trust him, but I know I put myself at risk in doing so. And so, here I sit, praying and asking my HP to be in his will, to surrender to his plan, and to create in me a new persona where I don't have fear and where I do trust HP more than ever before. Thank you for sharing!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I love this thread...Of course mine was the opposite gender and I felt these feelings and said these words and in the mean time the lessons came from within the relationship and journey of the program. I use to see the picture as I saw the picture without the acknowledgement of my Higher Power in it. I was taught never to discount the power of Higher Power in the workings of my life and when I "got it" I could see the picture the way the picture should be seen for me. I stopped "dating" sick women and started dating my Higher Power...daily...24/7. That became the most important relationship in my life before all others and I wouldn't have another relationship without having that one first. I had to laugh when I reached the 12th step for real because "all of my affairs" stopped. LOL and I learned the difference between love and need and had to admit that I had never known how to love until I got that lesson and the "affair" with my HP. When I learned how to love it included how I love here and where ever else I go and with everyone else I meet..."Unconditional Acceptance". I met a woman one night at a face to face meeting who spoke of her love for her alcoholic and she was sooo intriguing and unbelievable that I had to follow her out of the room to her car after the meeting so I could learn her definition of love. She told me "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are" and she didn't once say alcoholic. I was loving my alcoholic wrong...I entrapped her...I was needing her to supply some inner need in me and she wasn't free to be who ever she was at anyone point in time...warts and all. I had affairs...lots of them...I was in love with "being in love" and never knew what love was. Practicing the "principle" of love in all my affairs is boundaryless. I love my wife and my wife and I have special priviledges because of our marriage and I love others around myself just the same way tho I reserve the priviledges for my relationship with my wife.

For me the God aspect is the spiritual nature of our recovery...without it I have regret and remorse for how I have lived and not now.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 12th of November 2012 10:52:37 PM

Tasha · Veteran Member

So sorry for your loss.
Your search to heal inspires : )

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Remembering the good parts "should" make you feel good..... but not in this disease. There is such a loss.

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

Your post hit me right between the eyes tonight. I am separated from my AH and keep holding off on that final move - divorce. I fear all the things you describe, he was the love of my life and I fear more than anything the regret of what is lost. It is crazy because what I'm really losing is the fantasy of a life we never had, never will have because of his disease which makes him an awful person to be around. The hardest part is in knowing what could have been but can never be, it will haunt me forever. No words of wisdom here, only wanting you to know you aren't alone, I get everything you are saying and am sending you love and support. TS

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I am experiencing very similar feelings about my son right now :( So sorry for your pain. I do think it's ok to feel our feelings.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate and talk with my exAH way too much from time to time. I have realized there are many layers to my dreams and a thin line between reality and fantasy. Our last conversation reminded me about a lot of the not so good times that led me to crazy town to begin with and well, I have redettached. I will mourn so much about my exAH for probably many years, but in the almost 2 years I have been alone and had Al-anon I have grown and amazed myself in my growth and independence. I found myself tonight looking at my new friend and her happy little family and life thinking if only, but then I am enjoying the here and now as much as I can and I look forward to all that is to come.
I so do relate though about all the dreams and things that did work and the comfort of the exAH that was like no other, if only......... Sending you much love and support!

Auntyaya · Senior Member

This disease is a thief...it steals and it robs and it maims all those who get in it's path of destruction. I am sorry for your sadness....

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Likemyheart)

So glad that you have shared your heart here I know that a sorrow shared is a sorrow lessened .

Please know that you are no t alone and that slowly the sadness will lift.

Let HP and this MIP family hold you with our hearts until then.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I thank you all for your replies. My purpose in writing this morning was to show the other side of what I feel. Most of the time I can be strong and share about all the negative aspects of dealing with my ex; I can respond to other posts because I have been there and done that and not going back. And I am happy in my life, peaceful and content, no anger, my life isn't ruled by the mood of king baby-ass; BUT - at the same time, the sorrow of having to turn my back on the man that was without the alcohol, permeates my life. It amazes me how many people expect me to be out there dating like he was just a used car that I can trade in or trade up. I don't sit around feeling sad all the time, it barely effects my life but I'd be lying if I said I didn't still care very much for him and shake my head at the thought of trying to ever get that through his thick skull - he would scoff, care about me? if you cared about me you wouldn't have..... but I did care, do care, which is why it was so hard to walk away. Every day things remind me how much I cared for him and some days I have to remind myself why I had to walk away.

crazycatlady · Member

Your words are so eloquent...they brought me to tears. Thank you. I am touched by your depth of acceptance...it's OK to have acceptance and still feel sad...

hugs to you.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Crazycatlady - I gratefully embrace the sorrow, acknowledging it as a very important real part of me; I loved him so; to negate how much I cared for him would let me ignore how much he was in my life; Green eyes, that's it! I had no choice but to walk away - and I HATE that having to choose! Trudy - losing my soulmate has been hell, the love of my life; ILD - the good man is hard to leave, isn't he? BF - yes, I HAVE to mourn the good things I've lost (good man who is lost), no way to move forward without acknowledging what I am leaving behind.

Mr. Ex was such a sh*t. It is easy to remember the horribleness of alcoholism. Easy to find it here. But he was a good man too, and its been so hard turning my back on him, hard but necessary - what do you call that, a conundrum?

learning · Veteran Member

Likemyheart,
I understand only too well those feelings. I am a 'survivor' of this disease from the very side you are fighting from. My journey began 10+ yrs ago.
While I started with ALNON, I ended up with AA. (No not because I have problem, rather I thought when I made the decision to find help I could glean more
from those who fight the disease of acoholism. And I did!!!!)
I posted a thread a week ago on the AA message board. It is quite lengthy, covering several days of posts, I felt I, myself needed. It is currently on page 2 of
the AA message board entitled 'What I have learned....' I suggest you read thread in it ENTIRITY. You will understand 'why' by doing so.
You are NOT alone!!! All your are feeling, I'm sure everyone here has felt. Perhaps, I can only hope and pra, in even the least of ways, by reading my share(s) , you
will find hope, strength and most especially peace as I have, in your respective journey.

Love and hugs,

learning

-- Edited by learning on Tuesday 13th of November 2012 09:24:48 AM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Mr. Ex was such a sh*t. It is easy to remember the horribleness of alcoholism. Easy to find it here. But he was a good man too, and its been so hard turning my back on him, hard but necessary - what do you call that, a conundrum?

==========================================

It's called taking care of you or going down with the ship as you so put it in your original post. I know I need to be where I am at without having to JADE myself to anyone else. I love that you can be in this place of healing and acceptance and still say it wasn't all bad.

I reach that point from time to time that it wasn't all bad, however just like accepting the situation as well as serenity, .. it comes and goes. Each time the visit is longer. It's Ok it's a feeling and feelings aren't facts they just are.

Hugs P :)

Sprout67 · Newbie

Thank you for sharing how you feel. It helped me :)

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

I love listening, I mean reading your posts. Everyone's post. I've been reading and reading and reading and reading. even when you're hurting, you're very wise. its great.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think now that I did not really "see" the ex A because there were many many huge signs that he was addicted when all I could see was his sweet side. He definitely had one of those but his addicted side took over and completely swamped the sick side. I think the issue is for me in seeing the big picture rather than the picture I want to see. Certainly it is hard to give up the notion of growing older with someone. I think I tend to gloss over people's faults and focus on the good side. Working on my boundaries constantly has forced me to look at how absolutely mired I am in people pleasing and not wanting to be in reality. Furthermore I think I have a really really hard time to take care of myself. I can't imagine a better fit for an alcoholic!

I know just how hard it its to let go. For me the letting go was of a fantasy that never had any chance of being realized at all.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.