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You can only control what is YOURS to control. I've known this pain only to well. I was hung up by a sister-in-law (the only real sober one of his family) after one very outrageous accusation. (It was an outright lie.) I knew who was behind it and wanted desperately to defend myself before the 'click'. I never pursued her again for help. Ironically at his funeral she came to me with hugs, ect. I think she has come to understand the nature of the disease and come to know that many of the things that were told were false! You will find that trying to influence others, in alot of instances will only put a wedge between any kind of alliance you hope for, if not totally destroy it. What was of most value to me: Was to say nothing at all!!! Take the verbal assaults as they come and do not try to defend yourself. You must realize what is in control of your sister who has the problem. It is the alcohol!!! It has taken control of her mind and thoughts and good judgement. And until SHE is ready to accept that she is ill, has a problem....there is little you can do. Only she can control her words and actions by taking measure to control her disease. The same goes for the middle sister. She may be in denial about the illness the other has and feels sorry for her not having home, ect. I by no means am implying that she abandon her. Similiarly I have a sister-in-law who I feel has a problem with consumption. She has literally alienated most of her family little by little. She has attacked my children and their spouses in front of me. It was hard, yet I have allowed her her rants because I've learned how to cope with the effects. As for the physical attack...that is quite another matter. I, personally feel that taking her to court is justified. We have to let them pay for the consequences of their actions. However, on the day of court/sentencing try your best to keep emotions in check, and if asked stick strictly to the details of the incident that brought you there in the first place. Dragging other things in will serve no purpose. And allowing yourself to show anger or any other negative emotion will serve no purpose as well. Also, it may give you a better understanding to research the scientific effects of alcohol on the brain and the mental effects. And, too, get literature if you don't have it about the twelve steps and try to immerse yourself in doing the WORK of each. Prayers and hugs, learning
-- Edited by learning on Monday 12th of November 2012 12:43:58 PM
I posted a while back about my sister assaulting me at the time of her daughters HS Graduation and I am still struggling with some issues around the whole thing. The drunk sister is still going through the court process because of the assault and interfering with a police officer. I have been in contact with the prosecuting attorney and he has informed me that she tried to file an affidavit slandering me but as it had nothing to do with the case and it was only being used to influence the judge it was not filed in court.
I read the affidavit and it was really sad the depth of her denial and how much she really doesn't know me or anything about my life. I talked to my younger sister about what was said in the affidavit and told her that she was mentioned and her supposed opinions stated. I wanted to clear up any misunderstanding and find out if what the drunk said she(younger sister) believed was true. She said no it was not true that she felt that way and tried to minimize and defend the drunks behavior by saying, "you know why something like that is written don't you?" I said yes but lying about me as a defense is not ok and what she did and is doing is very hurtful to me. She says to get over it and move on and that she doesn't want to be put in the middle.
I understand not wanting to be put in the middle and I try to respect that but the fact that her relationship with the drunk has and is going on as if nothing has happened is hurting me. The drunk, who has lost her home due to forclosure, is now moving in with my younger sister and I tried to explain to her that I understand her not wanting to be in the middle but the drunks behavior has affected everyone in the family not just me; it is not just between me and the drunk. She continues to say yes it is. I try to explane that it will be impossible for me to visit her while the drunk is living with her and communication with me will be difficult when she is in the house. I also told her that I would not be able to come to any holiday gatherings or family events as long as the drunk is there(our family is small just me and two sisters and children) and even if I were to come it would be extremely uncomfortable for everyone. I was saying this in hope that she would see how it is affecting me, her, my nieces and nephew and my daughter and that I am not the one that caused the situation but I am the one that is being alienated.
I know my younger sister and the drunk have a fairly good relationship and that she loves us both but I get so angry at the fact that the drunk as continually verbally and emotionally and now physically abused me over the years and she says that is between you two.
In the last 5 years I have refused to take the abuse from the drunk, I will confront her on her behavior and she gets angry and alienates me(which is ok) but my younger sister is always rationalizing by saying, "you must be doing something to cause it" and when I protest that statement I get that it is just between you two, and I feel so hurt by that because how can someone stand by and see someone they say they love be hurt emotionally and physically and not do anything. My younger sister waffels on believing the drunk has a problem with alcohal and refuses to confront her on anything and it is the same with everyone else in the family because of the fear of the "wrath of D" I dont want to say her name so I just used the initial.
I have removed my self from contact with either sister now as it is all too painful for me. I would like any advise or thoughts you all can give. If you feel I am mixed up in my thinking about the situation please say so and if not please say so. Do you all believe there can be anything I could say or do to help the situation?
Jeny, That has got to be so tough. I think that the younger sister will find out first hand and very quickly how things really are when she is in close proximity with the A sister. People have their own reasons for doing the things they do--she may feel she has a rescuer role to play. I hope you can stay inside your own head and heart and let the Universe work this one out. And I am sorry. It has to hurt so bad. Remember that alcoholism affects everyone in a family--even the ones who deny it. Hugs.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Thank you Yes it is very painful and confusing. I just had the A'sdaughter who is 27 tell me that it is too bad that the police had to get involved and I would have to live with the consequencesof that. Meaning the alienation from the family group because me and the A wont talk to each other again. Why should I be the one alienated while everyone else goes on as if her assaulting me was no big deal! She said we should have kept it in the family. Of course the A tries to say she was not drunk and was completely complaintwhen the police arrived. I was outside with my daughter waiting in the car when they arrived and the police report and the prosecuting attorney said she was belligerent, non compliant, and yelling profanity at the police in the house and all the way on the ride to jail. She was charged with interfering with a police officer too. But the family believes her version of the story. For some background here she got drunk at her younger daughters high schoolgraduation party and I left the party at around 2:30 in the afternoon because the A said something rude to me and I knew how the day was going to go and didn't want to be there for the embarrassment to come. At 8pm she arrived back at her house where I was staying because. I had traveled to be there for the graduation. My daughter who is 22 ran upstairs to see what happened to her cousin as her cousin looked upset and had run upstairs immediatelyupon entering the house. The A called me a a.. hole for leaving the party and I said, " I am sorry that you feel that way" she said, "YOU ARE SORRY THAT I FEEL THAT WAY?" "How am I supposed to feel?" I said, "I don't know" and then she started being belligerentand telling me and my daughter who had come back downstairs we were not family and to get the F..K out of her house. My daughter grabbed her things quickly and started to leave and the pizza we had order arrived and the A answered the door and then slammed the door in the guys face. He was almost at a run when my daughter went to apologizeto him and get our dinner and put her stuff in the car. I was gathering my things that were mostly packed anyway while the A was yelling that I had ruinedthe Party and how dare I do that. She could hardly stand and was falling into the walls coming at me. I stupidly said to her How could that be I wasn't there and when I left my niece was having a great time with her friends. The A again said how dare I ruinher daughters party and called me obscenitiesand struck me with her fist in the face. She fell against the wall because he could hardly stand and I was shocked as she stood again and punched me again in the face. I looked at her and said, " you just assaulted me and I am going to go outside now and call the police so you can expect them to be here in a few min." I left calling her a drunk and my daughter was furious she had hit me and wanted to go inside and confront her but I made her stay with me in the car. My niece who had run upstairs had called her Father upon arriving home because her mother was s..t faced and who knows what had happened at the party. My daughter was on the phone with her boyfriend and she told me she could hear my niece yelling, I HATE YOU MOM, I HATE YOU MOM and then her father showed up at the same time as the police. My niece had come running out of the house and was surprised to see the police and her father comforted her has she was saying, WHAT IS GOING ON WHAT IS GOING ON, SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I was telling on of the policemen what had happened and my daughter another and one of them had to get my keys as I had left them in the house. They took the A out in handcuffs yelling "this is not right, this is not right." I don't know what happened inside except for what the police report says and the A denies everything even that there was a pizza guy there lol. She says I assaulted her and twisted her thumb. She was so f..ed up she thought the police putting a thuml ockon her to get her to comply was me. ANYWAY, that is the the short version and I am hurt and confused at how my whole family can think it is okto accept the A and protect her and all come together with her knowing that I will not put myself in that situation again to be abused by her. I can't go to family functions because she is invited and actually now living with my other sister and I am left out. I can't controlwhat anyone else does that is true but I feel punished because of her behavior and when I tried to explain this to my younger sister she keeps telling me that it is between me and the A she is not involved. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I have given up at this point because trying to rationally explain that the A's behavior has caused the rift in the family and it is not just between me and her but has affected everyone. When I say that it is hurting that I cannot be with family because of it and she gets to be welcomed with open arm I get GET OVER IT. I am confused, sad, hurt, frustrated, and tired of it all so I have stopped talking to both sisters now because it is too painful
-- Edited by Jenv on Wednesday 14th of November 2012 09:31:56 AM
I know a little bit about roles in families and I have been the scapegoat as long as I can remember. I started not allowing it after years of working on myself and in therapy. The apple cart got upset when I started doing this and the A started coming down on me harder with even more verbal abuse and I would tell her that it is not acceptible and to treat me that way. I did appeal to my younger sister who, as you stated of yours, defends the A and will not confront her on her drinking issues. She will always say that I must have done something to cause it or you and her have a volitile relationship and she doesn't want to get involved. I understand her need to not feel put in the middle and try to respect that but in this situation it is affecting everyone in the family and she cannot or will not see this. I try to explane that the A and I don't have a volitile relationship the A is volitile and I choose not to take her abuse or hide her behavior. No one else will dare do that not h the A's children or my other sister or her ex husbands or my other niece and nephew all because, as we have all joked before, of the wrath of the A; it is a scary thing to witness. Another sad part of the rolls of the family is that even though I have tried to throw off the roll of the scapegoat but the others still see me that way and are unable to see me in another way. Because of this and other factors I get the alienation from the family while the A is surrounded by the support of all and I have been pushed out by the elephant in the room. It has all gotten too painful for me and to protect myself I have stepped back from my two sisters and their lives. I pleaded, reasoned, wrote, cried, yelled, sent articles and whatever else I thought might get my younger sister to see that she is enabling the A by ignoring what she has done and minimizing it to an issue between the A and myself but it was all ignored so I have given up. I still beat myself upsometimes because I think there must be something I can do to help and to open everones eyes but I swallow that acceptance pill and let it go more and more as time goes on. I guess that is my way of trying to deal with the pain, I try to control it by actions that I am becoming aware are futile. Acceptance is the key to all of my problems
-- Edited by Jenv on Thursday 15th of November 2012 09:27:27 AM
this sounds very much like my family of origin. I do not know if you have done that much work on being an ACA but Claudia Black has some great books on roles that family members take when they are in an alcoholic environment.
I can certainly relate to feeling aggrieved, alone, abandoned and isolated in my family of origin. For me having a gap where I did not engage with them really helped. I could separate out the drama, isolation and really high expectations of my everyone. At times I could believe like you that my two sisters (both of whom are alcoholics) got on together. In fact their relationship was always submerged in resentment, conflict and envy. At some point I got to not being willing to hear the gossip, insinuation and drama that went along with their relationship but most of the time I was drawn into the unfairness, boundarylessness and absolute chaos that went on around them. Needless to say most of it erupted around alcohol but that wasn't the only trigger. I also became accustomed to my younger sister defending and either lamenting and resenting my older sister or idolizing her on some level. When I once asked my younger sister to join me in confronting her she absolutely refused and would not acknowledge anything.
So you are not alone in your situation. In fact it sounds oddly like so many parties around an alcoholic, a totally chaotic undertaking.
