Completely FLOORED!! - Al-Anon Family Group

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Completely FLOORED!!

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

If I had a nickel for every threat to "take the kids" I'd be rich. Ignore it do NOT feed it because it strokes their ego. They will tell themselves it's working if you do. Ignore it.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. You need not stoop to his level. Short and to the point is better anyhow. Something along the lines of "I feel I'm doing a great job as a mother. I only asked you to help out as their father. If you cannot do that, just say so without making absurd threats." Then hang up or refuse to engage from that point on. In dealing with a rageful alcoholic, there is no point in going tit for tat. I suggest to make the most important point while staying true to yourself and your motives and then disengage.

You are not dealing with a rational person. You are dealing with someone that is used to ranting and getting his way. This is someone that exerted control over your like that for years.....through intimidation. It kept the focus of him and had you thinking you were weak. You can't afford to let him get you all frantic. It's just words from a crazy and emotionally immature bully. How would you advise you children to deal with a bully at school? You wouldn't want them being afraid. You would want them to tell and get help. You would want them to rise above.

I don't know if you guys are in any type of mediation but making threats could be seen as ground for no contact. Hence, the "getting help" part of this may involve talking to your lawyer about this text.

Chaya · Senior Member

Pushka, I have been living in fear of my ex for so long. I'm afraid to ask for help and when I do I sure as heck regret it later. I'm learning to be assertive with him and then to detach. His response is his business. He's threatened to take my daughter, too. It's taking me almost 3 years to learn how to communicate with him while keeping my dignity and sanity. It has taken a lot of practice but it's coming together. Stay strong. Love, chaya

stephaniej · Senior Member

My AH threatens to take our son all the time. And it is completely ridiculous. It would never, ever happen, not in a million years. And you clearly are in the same situation. Keep hanging in there, my friend! ((HUGS))

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for support!! I'm in a much better space now. I did not respond after the last text. I kept it above board boy I sure did not want to. The more I thought about what he wrote the more I realized how insane he actually is. I'm going to sooooooo take your advice thank you!!!

Hugs P :)

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Mine would make any threat he thought would work to hurt me - using everything and anything he thought would get a reaction out of me; I had to completely distance myself from his madness. Luckily, we had no kids together or anything besides a motorcycle to continue to tie us together.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

The insanity of it all is mind blowing .. I got some good sleep last night considering. I know he has filed paperwork to have support reduced it's fine because he hasn't been paying the cell phone bill on time since this all started.

There is denial for me over his anger .. I'm fansinated by it .. his anger just like the addict behavior (I always come away thinking OMGosh I can't believe he's really this bad) and here I sit in denial about it all over again!!

I think where I am really shocked is the texts. He is completely putting all of the anger on me. He can't see the deeper consequences. He is strictly focused on the anger and it's all my fault I'm soooo glad he doesn't have the kids next weekend I would be concerned for their safety.

The chips are going to fall where they may .. and I'm very ok with whatever outcome God has in store for me. Maybe it won't be easy .. it hasn't been easy the past 3 years living with him.

The biggest thing is after this court date whatever it is .. I want everything to come from the courts and not him. It is NOT going to be easy in that regard .. at least though I will not deal with him directly. I'm actually hoping I can have it directly taken out of his work check and not have to deal with him.

I think that's the bigger issue is no matter what the courts do say .. the rules do not apply to him.

Hugs P :)

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Ah, now I know why I've been putting off getting out of my marriage. What you said in your last post is exactly how my AH feels about himself: The rules do not apply to him.

I know that I'd need to be seriously prepared for him to fight, and he fights dirty. I, on the other hand, have no experience fighting let alone fighting dirty. Pray, pray, and pray some more Pushka, give it all over to God. His plan for you is all in place. And, you're right, we were never promised 'easy' anyway. Hang in there, girl!

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

P - you definately describe an addict's behavior to a T, they get very comfortable bullying us when things don't go their way. Sounds like you have a solid grasp on what he is doing and in your reaction (or non-reaction to it). You are strong and his tactics will not work on you anymore, you have regained control of yourself and your world. How sad that he shirks his duty as father so easily, but don't all our A's shirk their duties to marriage, work, life, God a lot - you bet and they always have a justification in their mind for why it's okay for them to behave that way. Stay strong girl! Hugs and pryaers, TS

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

You latest post makes me think of something I read regarding domestic abuse - the abuser uses anger to control. He is not having any luck controlling you one way so he will try until he finds something that works. It is mind-blowing how different their reality is, in their world, this is the way things are, one gets their way through anger and manipulation. In my reality, you talk things out, compromise to find a solution that satisfies all; in his reality, he uses whatever means necessary to get things his way and anytime I might end up with things looking like they are going my way - he pulls out the "you are being a bully to get what you want" or "you always have to have your own way" - sentences that, because I'm a nice person and DON'T bully, am horrified at the thought of being seen as one so I would always give in.

Funny looking back, the floods of angry hurtful words, horrible things thrown at me from all angles, my own thoughts twisted and flung in my face, then the getting back together (dumb me) and his professions of deep true love (dumb me x 2).

I read about abusers using anger, how the abused thinks it is uncontrolled anger but how the abuser can stop the anger to answer the phone/door and pick the anger right back up again after the interruption has been dealt with. How my ex could go from seemingly uncontrollable rage, to niceties at the drop of a hat and act like nothing had just happened while I was left reeling and trying to put on a "normal, everything is just fine" face.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

OMgosh LMH .. yes that is absolutely TRUE!! It is something that escalates a little at a time. I was a little concerned because when he picked the kids up Friday (he had to come here to get their stuff), there was a very bizzaro conversation about him not being able to wake my daughter to take her for a haircut at the time he went. I won't bore with the details .. however his actions absolutely concerned me based upon the fact my first ex was physically abusive and it started with ripping things off the wall and blaming me for it. He was beating on the steering wheel. My daughter has shared this is not the first time that has happened in dealing with me. It's the biggest reason I try not to engage him face to face. I actually had the nerve to ask him since he informed me Thursday he wasn't paying the full support (he totally has the money) and I wasn't going to be happy with what he gave me. So Friday I asked when he was going to make up the difference. This is no different than July of this year when he didn't pay anything he's making the rules up the difference is now there is a court order in place. So it's going to be what it's going to be.

It is harrassment AND abusive ironically I have filed under irreconsilable differences with Mental and Emotional cruelty as cause. He doesn't want that attached for any reason and honestly I don't care I'm just trying to let the wheels of justic turn even if it's slow.

Hugs P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, I am glad you didn't react and decide to board the train. I had to plan around my exaAH and when it wasn't his scheduled times or things to do with the kids, I found an alternate route which hasn't been easy having no family nearby, but that is my choice. Sending you lots of love and support!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Is there a way to turn the collection of child support over to an agency? In my state we have a child support enforcement agency that handles all of it, so there isn't any verbal exchange, no threatening behavior allowed, the state takes the money and distributes and all dealings are third party. Of course it might be different since you aren't divorced yet, but I'd look into it jsut the same. The further you distance yourself from him the better.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm looking into that now .. there is a possibility that I can even just have it deducted from his paycheck in garnishment because he is behind. I completely agree the less contact the better for me and for the kids. I felt awful that he had been acting out and they were getting in the truck with him. That concerns me more than if he's drinking or not only because in anger no one makes good choices.

Thanks, P :)

amills4294 · Senior Member

It's amazing how certain people's memories only work in their benefit. I've dealt with that a lot in my relationship. Thinking of you. You know what's fact. He doesn't have to validate it for you (though it would be nice). He's trying to "goat" you I believe. He knows how to push your buttons. It makes him feel better (or at least from my perspective.) Stay strong. It's ok to be angry - it's what you do with it that counts.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

thinking about I would say oh honey thank you! I will pack their bags now and send the rest over tomorrow. I can hear the silence now...

really?? are you kidding?? you would do that?? oh that would really be great! I will pack the van up with their stuff now and just drop it by!

i invite you to think like this, maybe it will cool ya down. lollol hugs,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL .. Deb .. that was sooooo one of my dark fantasies BIG TIME!! I just wouldn't want to scare the kids if they heard me!! Neither of them want to live with him. They both like the visitation just the way it is, nothing more .. nothing less, def no living with their dad. They have seen enough to know they so are not ok with it.

Hugs P :)

hdftby100 · Senior Member

AStrongerMe wrote:
If I had a nickel for every threat to "take the kids" I'd be rich. Ignore it do NOT feed it because it strokes their ego. They will tell themselves it's working if you do. Ignore it.

I agree ignore it. You can even go so far as to say if he brings up "Didn't you get my texts?" simply answer in a polite manner, "No." I have dealt with many instances of irate people an when you "kill them with kindness" it is the best way to get them at their own game and you feel better about it. I had a customer complain on me one time at work after they were a complete jerk I said politely as they were leaving, "Excuse me, but I really hope you have a great day!" in the politest tone I could. They complained to my boss who replied, "So, your complaint is that my employee wished you had a great day?" Sounds kind of stupid when it is put back on them like that.

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