The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It must be so difficult and quite frustrating for you but you do sound as if you have a great understanding as well.
As a wife of an alcholic I have really valued the support of my nearest and dearest. I know that I have tested their patience (by letting off steam and moaning when in actual fact I should simply be rejoicing in their company). I have really appreciated all their listening, and especially their laughter. I am also amazed and appreciative of the way that they have managed to avoid giving me a lecture!
It does me the power of good when they change the subject and when we start to talk about more normal day to day things. I love them for just being there and for the very gentle way they have reminded me that I do have choices if I want them. They have gently helped me to find out how to look after myself.
There are lots of great posts on this website and people with loads of experience.
Boy I read that and heard my mom. Word for word. And I need to apologize to her again :)
I have ideas and options to share but that is all they are and really this is something you have to decide how to handle. We come to Al Anon and learn we cannot control other people, and actually we cannot even persuade, influence, beg or bribe them. They are who they are.
I was your daughter and while I still am so to speak, I am no longer with said "bum" but I put up with 15 years of very similar behavior. The unfortunate outcome is I left, I got my degree, I am supporting all 3 boys 100% he has been on and off unemployment for the 5 1/2 years we've been divorced.
I've come to the recognition that no I was not raised to be that way but I did it and I did it of my own free will, no guns to my head, nothing. I have to live for the rest of my life interacting with someone I affectionately call "the terrorist". See not only was he a dry drunk while married, he was mean, abusive and horrible and I still put up with it. Now because of the court system in CA, my children are spending the remainder of their childhood being tortured by it while I have minimal options. I have done everything I was told to do and so far it's done nothing but make him feel invincible against a broken system.
Ok now that I got that part out - since you cannot make your daughter do anything you have to take care of yourself. There is no reason you need to be stressed out over the life they have chosen. That sounds mean and as a parent of 3 children trust me tough love is tough. Set boundaries that put the burden of responsibility back on her and him.
"That sounds tough I'm sorry to hear" (no further discussion) or "I'm sorry honey I can't help you with that" or "I hope you can find a solution that works". Learn to drop advice. It's very easy to entangle in our adult kids lives. My mother has done it for years and actually I was the one that untangled her. In fact she's made comments that I don't "share enough" and she feels "disconnected". The problem is the stress was literally killing her. She was losing sleep, depressed and taking anxiety pills to deal with MY issues!!! Through learning to set boundaries with my ex, I've been learning to set them with all my relationships and I couldn't be more glad for it.
I recommend reading "codependent no more" and "getting them sober". My ex was dry for 15 years, rarely drank ever. But he was a drunk, it took me leaving for him to start. He had the behaviors and thinking of a drunk, he just wasn't drinking. Now he is. And that book has taught me things I use even with my kids!
Hugs, you are in the right place and I recommend Al Anon. Your step-son is your qualifier.
Hi Avid & welcome. Al-Anon teaches us many things. We learn that the only person we are responsible for is ourselves, it might not be what we want to hear but it's a fact. You sound like you could do with some of the love & peace of the programme, I too would recommend Al-Anon to you.
You can also call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday - Friday, 8 am 6 pm ET. for meeting information in Canada and the US. or 020 7403 0888 for meeting information in the UK, this helpline is available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year.
My father is an alcoholic, so I can't really speak as someone with children but I can give some insight into maybe what she is feeling.
The fact that she says everything is great and she is super happy, is likely her putting on a mask. She is essentially supporting 3 people on one income. How can that be a happy situation unless she is making a healthy 6-figures? One thing I found dealing with an alcoholic is that I was afraid to admit that I didn't have anything under control. I was afraid to admit I needed help and was feeling very helpless toward his disease. I didn't want to admit weakness and failure because it was his problem and not mine, and if he'd only stop drinking then....
Based on my experience, the tendency is for parents to bail out there kids in these situations. As hard as it may be, she has to figure this out for herself. If you or whomever start helping them financially, nothing will change.
thanks for the feedback. I have in fact gone to an al anon meeting and found it helpful. It helped calm me down, but it didn't provide the direct advice and experience that was shared here. thank you all so very much.
I am glad you came here and found us at MIP! This sounds touchy and I would proceed with dettachment and caution. I have had these issues with my Mom and my ex in laws while I was still with my AH and it just caused problems when they tried to give advice or push change on us. The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a great suggestion and so is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Meetings always help me. Sending you love and support!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 12th of November 2012 08:30:24 PM
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm thinking maybe she isn't complaining about her financial situation, but just stating fact. I could be way wrong, of course, but my mom would (and still does) ask me why don't I do this or that, or why don't I buy this or that, or why don't I take my son here or there, or I oughtta have health insurance and why don't I find a minimal policy, yadda yadda...and the fact of the matter is, I can't afford it. It's just not in the budget. You can't get blood from a stone. She asked, I answered, but it turns out years later that she thought I was complaining, and she took it as digging at HER for money! Which it never was. I was shocked to hear how she interpreted. You might want to ask your dd if she's complaining, or asking for help, or just stating fact, because you interpret it as complaining and asking you for money and maybe you're interpreting wrong. It's a thought.
I have found that when I remember to be up front about things like offering advice, things work out a lot better. We always assume about other people, don't we? ;) When I remember, after someone else rants or vents, I ask "Do you want advice or feedback on that? Or are you just venting?" If they ask advice, I can say "Well, here you go, but please feel free to use your virtual delete key if it's not what you want to hear" or whatever.
You could also say "I am your father, and take this however you like, but I need to let you know that here is how I feel about the situation. I worry about you and the baby. I love you. And I worry because yadda yadda. I just had to tell you how I feel because I can't sit by and watch this. I am angry because _____. I am sad because _____. I worry because _____." Keep it about you and your feelings. Tell her just what you told us! In fact, you could copy and paste part of your post and make it a letter to her. You could mail or not mail. You could send it here for feedback before you mail to her. You could use it as a template to talk to her in person or on the phone. You could just get your feelings out on paper and not send at all. You could burn it. But it'd be on paper and your feelings would be out.
"Do you want advice or feedback on that? Or are you just venting?"
that is an excellent suggestion! I will use it. Letting her know how I feel is something I can do. We are close and able to be frank with each other. But I am waiting till my anger subsides a little before speaking to her in a candid manner. Thanks for the suggestions everyone. This site is proving to be very helpful.
