The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not new to MIP. I started my journey years ago. In the beginning I tried ALNON, yet I ended up on the AA side/message board. At the time, in my search for help, after hearing and reading ALNON stories or pleadings for 'help' I was dismayed. All I could think was 'bitch, bitch, bitch'. I didn't want to read all this drama. I wanted a 'fix' for my loved one, my alcoholic. I smile now thinking back, because what I was viewing was in reality, a mirror image of myself! Wasn't quite ready to accept my own denial, my own struggling, my own illiteracy regarding the disease of alcohol. So very, very naive. So immersed in my own misery!
I ended up on the AA Message Board. I decided 'who better to help me, then someone/people who had themselves, recovered?' I felt like an intruder in a way. Like I was eavesdropping on some deep dark secrets. Eventually I began to gain insight and knowledge which gave way to strength to cope and healing. And the finding of ''MY OWN path As time went and life was once again felt my visits to this site sort of fell by the wayside. UNTIL.....a week ago.
The alcoholic in my life had died. I had actually expected, braced myself if you will, several years ago for this news. Those thoughts never suppressed from then til present. I was NOT at all prepared. My body shook and my knees buckled! I don't think ANYONE of us is really prepared to face the death of some one we endear!
Upon return home that night...I wept for quite awhile; prayers never ceasing to God, my HP. Eventually, I went to my laptop. The initial idea being to notify others I knew would want to know. I was drawn back, however, here. I needed strength. I needed to share. And that is exactly what I did. As I went through this past week, additional posts were added to that thread. It is on the AA Message Board under the title "What I have learned". (Currently listed on 2nd page.)
Why make you aware of this? That thread is my personal journey and as the title states it is what I have learned (in summation). It is my hope, that it gives to others, even in the smallest of incriments a ray of hope and healing. It is, as well, knowledge given and the message that all learned can be of use in every aspect of life. It is an awareness that you are not alone; it is an extention of friendship!!!! (One should read entire thread including additions.)
I know God has been with me every step of this journey. I've not had that "stifling drowning with no life preserver/no help in sight" feeling that I experienced years ago. I know it was God who immediately led me here the night of death to share hard as it was to give me strength. Please don't misunderstand that I am not grieving. I loved my alcoholic deeply!!!! I anticipate future times of sadness/tears. It happens to everyone when they love someone as much as I loved this person. Yet I know this cloud will pass.
With Love,
Learning
-- Edited by learning on Sunday 11th of November 2012 09:48:31 AM
Two quotes that may help you and your family: (Apologies as they may not be EXACT wording.)
1) "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" Understand that you and everyone concerned are dealing with a disease. (There is scientific evidence that shows this.) This disease can and very often alters first the mind and then body. You may see before you your loved one, however, under the influence the disease is in control of words and actions. More often than not they do not know what they are doing or saying or how they are hurting you. Yet, the diseased, are the ones who have to want to better.....to take back the control the illness has taken. There is as well scientific proof that there is/are gene(s) that make this a predisposed illness unbeknownst to the carrier. Researching these things found by science was helpful.
2) "Be not afraid....I am with you always" Tapping into one's HP/God. Allowing him to guide you. AND Knowing that you are not alone. There are those who have travelled down this road and are there at your dispose.
No it was NOT easy! (I had breast cancer that resulted in a masectomy. Acceptance, going through the surgery ect. was far, far, FAR easier!!! Even told my dr. whom I'm certain thought I was in denial right after he made the diagnosis ----when he tried to prescribe antidepressant/antianxiety meds. And I survived and never experience crippling fear through that whole process. This occurrence parralled the other.) With this fight against alcoholism there were days I was paralyzed emotionally, had no desire to do anything. Yet....I did. I got help and slowly day by each agonizing day.....found life.
Keep coming back!!!!
-- Edited by learning on Sunday 11th of November 2012 03:05:05 PM
I just got through your post and haven't even started the responses yet but I am already so choked up. That is all of our worst nightmares come true. Thanks for sharing and God bless you for being the strong one for your kids. I have had one son (23 years old) tell me how much it means to him to know that one of his parents is still "present" and there for him.
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Peace HAS come. I have no regrets. God, I'm sure has/had HIS reasons. Yes my share was for me! Yet I truly believe I was guided through those writings to help others. I won't deny the sadness! I truly did love with all my heart. It just was not mine to give him what he needed. I can only pray and hope... that somehow, someway....my share(s) will be of value to others in their respective journeys. That strength, hope, and knowledge I had found years ago by everyone here as well as others/things closer to my home can be found, as well.
thank you for your kind words!
-- Edited by learning on Monday 12th of November 2012 09:50:22 AM
Thank you for coming here and sharing. You have words of wisdom that are comforting, despite your own pain and mourning. Praying for you as you grieve in your own way, that God will support you and give you peace.
