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Sometimes life is great, sometimes it's rough. I'm in a rough patch and know it won't be forever. My mom has surgery for breast cancer on Thursday and I can't be there, I will be in So Cal visiting my son who is living with his aunt down there, the trip was planned and paid for before she was even diagnosed. The medicine for my Lupus is helping a lot but stress triggers it, there was a crisis with the same said son Thursday and it triggered a host of "attacks" almost instantly. One text... my body went on defense mode LOL.
I was spending time with the A for about a month or so. Not like before when we were in a full fledged relationship it was more detached - less time, etc. I wasn't holding my breath and had not let my guard down. And right as things got tough in my life (first time I've had things tough since we met in January) he relapsed. This was very different. Last couple of relapses he just dove head first into the bottle and was nearly dead within 24 hours. This time was odd - I think he was trying to "drink a little" which is insane but anyway short verson is he's just been drinking on and off for the past couple weeks but I haven't seen him and then he shows up to visit Thursday night.... not drunk but clearly had been drinking.
Sent him home and then these texts started. Ignored for 24+ hours but then I decided I did not need to be harrassed. I sent him an email I do not feel guilty one bit for biting his head off, calling it as I saw it, telling him not to contact me again and blocking him.
I heard he got dragged off yesterday so I have to drop off a bag with a couple things on his porch, only heard because I called neighbor just to find out if he was still holed up in his house or not and that I don't want to see him just drop it off.
I'm enjoying the quiet. Got my house clean, had a nice dinner with my other two boys, the issus with far away son are at least addressed right now and calm. I don't know when or where but he will try to contact me again. So until then I'm going to accept the peace here. Pray for my family, take care of myself, help my mom with Thanksgiving since she'll be down for the count but it's at her house.
Oh and I bought myself a new saddle, it's synthetic so it's 10 lbs lighter. My lupus has weakened my grip so getting a 30 pound saddle on a 15.5 hand horse has been a bear. Can't wait to get it LOL. Like a kid at Christmas with my horse stuff.
Well I think it is more just making decisions I know I can stick by but there's not really control per se. I was struck to drop off his things this morning as I was feeling up to it. As soon as I got there I nearly vomited. He came out as I dropped them on the porch, I said about 5 words to him and drove off. I don't always get to control it sometimes I just have to roll with it. I feel better about the closure, but the feelings are surfacing so again, I have to roll with it.
I will let the feelings have a say for a bit but I'm just not a wallower. For the first time in months I'm 'not in the mood to ride' telling me all about my feelings so I'm going out to ride anyway as I know how much it absolutely brings me to God. That quiet oneness with a giant animal is inexplainable. Avoiding it is about where I am right now and how much more I need it.
But the best thing I did was block him. It will take me awhile to be past the urge to give him another chance. I have to remove him entirely to do that.
I always prefer a synthetic saddle, you can ride in rain or into a lake with them. Sounds like you are taking things in stride. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
