Cherry on Top of a Craptacular Week - Al-Anon Family Group

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

Cherry on Top of a Craptacular Week

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

I finally lost it. I have been doing so well at beng detached and working on me but today was the end of that streak. I blew up at the AH because my mom and dad have gotten on my last nerve today and the reality that I am 46 years old and living in 1 room in their house and have nowhere else to go at the moment while the jacka@# that screwed everything up and ran me out of my home is still living in that home all alone like some kind of prince. All the while having the audacity to criticize me for running off. Never mind the fact that he had beaten the crap out of me in February and was building up to it again when I left in August.

There he is, unemployed, paying the house payment with his IRA account that has built up through 26 years of marriage. So in my eyes, I am making 1/2 a house payment on a house that I can't live in, while what I thought was our future security is slowly being drained. I told him that I was going to file papers to claim my half of the IRA and buy out my half of the house. But the reality is I don't even know if that is legally doable with us being separated for only 3 months. I am so frustrated because I feel like I am the one who has done everything I could to help him and do the right thing and I am being screwed every which way I turn. Does the good guy ever win?

I am tired of wearing the same clothes over and over because I don't have a closet where I'm staying and working at a job that I don't really like just to have some money coming in. I'm tired of running into people and feeling strange because I don't know what they know and how much to say. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut when I could absolutely ruin him while he has implied to many people that I had an affair (which is untrue). I am tired of the fact that he has caused utter chaos and acts like it's all good and he can't understand what all the uproar is about. I am tired of the fact that there is no remorse from him. I don't want groveling but some genuine emotion and regret would do wonders for me. I am tired of neighbors calling to check on me and give me the names of doctors and express their concern because of how bad he looks. I have to tell them that I will pass it on but that I have had to draw the line and step away because he won't try to help himself. They say they understand but I know before this happened to me, I would have probably thought badly of someone who would walk away from a spouse that was suffering.

I hate him so much tonight that I wish he hadn't survivied that horrible withdrawl that he went through this spring. After running up thousand of dollars in medical bills, he comes out and blows it all within six weeks. I want him out of my life and out of my pocketbook. I detest people that don't take care of themselves and now I am married to one.

I got a lot of stuff off of my chest and said some really ugly things but I don't feel a bit of guilt. I want to say more. It's like somebody has turned on a spigot and it's flowing. I want to hurt him as badly as he has hurt me.

My God, how has my life become such a mess??!! I will probably read this tomorrow and cringe but tonight I'm having a pity party. Has anyone else ever had a "relapse" in their recovery like this?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((WOMFI))) ...Good Vent!!! I am so grateful that my A Counselor helped me learn how to tantrum on purpose rather than holding it in and hurting myself or others. Tantruming on purpose...planned and timed let off a lot of spirit killing resentment and steam and then to have the tools of the program to take with me in my tool box to also use. "This too will pass" was one that helped alot because I could remember some awful stuff from the past that had in spite of me. "Easy does it" helped me to keep my tantruming within the hula hoop...my side of the fence. "Don't react was a biggie for me also cause I planned my tantrums...when they happened and for how long so that I lease had some management over that part of my life. Yes...she lied, cheated and stole and yes part of the process went against me and I felt I had to eat a bunch of crap and then it passed. Don't hurt your self by trumping yourself with the abuse he is dishing out. Stand back of it, turn your back on it, face a newer direction and move on.

Where you're at sucks...make sure it's temporary. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Step 3 time.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you earned every bit of that vent!! That's pretty craptacular as you so eloquently put it. What would happen if you stopped paying the half?

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

Thank you both for your quick ESH. Your "good vent" and terming my vent as "eloquent" got a laugh out of me through my angry tears. I would definitely not make half the payment if I had a choice but he has taken the money out of his IRA to pay it for the next couple of months while he gets it together or finds himself or whatever the he@# it is he's doing over there. From what I understand, in a divorce, I would be legally entitled to half of that IRA so I feel like I am paying for the house too, in theory.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Well yes but until someone files, reality is that he's going to drain that account. Once you file if he continues to use it, he *could* go to jail but I think that'll depend on your judge. So a this point I'm wondering, what's the difference between him draining it slower AND your own money, or just draining it faster? Either way your money is going out the door at least I think that's what I'm hearing?

Sounds like there is no easy way through this :(

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

My attorney is like that, impossible to talk to. But he knows his stuff and wins in the courtroom so.... I've taken it. My prior lawyer was always available but soft and lost and often counseled me to back down. This guy doesn't. They are all lawyers, not the best personalities in the world LOL. Take care on this, the process is painful but I'm glad I got out and his problems are his problems and I'm not involved anymore. Worth the money I did lost (I paid off some of his bills so I could get back on my feet).

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs WOMFI,

I have said this from the get go in my own situation my atty is awesome and I love him, however he's an atty not a shrink. I had a friend recommend someone to him and he told her she needed to see a counselor first and come back to see him. It was the cold hard truth, he's not about to waste his time or my money being my head shrink he's there to counsel me in law.

That IS your money too and you will loose it all if you continue to allow him to do what he's doing. It's ok to detach and love people where they are at (in anger and all) it's not ok to accept unacceptable behavior and just like ASM said until someone files you can't stop him from doing what he's doing.

It can be a long hard battle it's been worth it so far and I hope it continues to be worth it. I like having a planned tantrum .. lol .. it's a lot less stressful in the end.

Hugs P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds as if it would pay to do all you can to protect yourself, such as filing as soon as you can.

The whole situation is indeed craptacular. And maddening.

What helped me, strangely enough, when I was faced with similar things, is the saying "My choices, my results." I was blaming my ex-AH for driving our family into the ground, for costing me thousands of dollars, and for leaving me with a crappy support system, no child support, and a past that made me shudder. And he certainly did do all of those things. But the truth is that I did them all too. I made the choice to be with him even though the red flags were flying high. I didn't see them all in the beginning, but later on I saw them for a long long time, and I ignored them. Yes, I was scared and depressed and traumatized, and I see why I ignored them. But I did, and these are my results. I remember how the alcoholic has to really understand the horror that drinking has brought him to before he can be determined never to let it happen again. Similarly, I want this to be my bottom: when I fully understand where my choices led me, so that I take very good care of myself from now on. I have to be grateful that my bottom was low enough that the lesson came home to me.

I don't mean to dismiss the terrible difficulties of your situation. I'm just saying what kind of thinking worked for me.

And our A's are pretty craptacular. But I also remind myself that for all they seem to be sitting high and mighty and carefree, I wouldn't trade places with them for all the money in the world. It's a pretty miserable life being an alcoholic -- having to drink yourself insane every day to keep from facing what a mess you've made of your life.

Keep on taking good care of yourself!

TrudyS85 · Senior Member

Totally get your frustration. After my AH attempted suicide it was me picking up the pieces alone, medical bill after medical bill showing up, embarrassment in front of friends and neighbors and me now burdened with everything. It is hard not to get upset and angry! You sound like a strong person, do next what feels right, after months of thinking I was ready to divorce I find myself stuck of not knowing what I really want. It is especially hard when they just don't want to own up to their contribution to the mess. Take your time or act quickly - it is up to you, let your gut lead you. Am praying for you, I totally get where yor coming from. Keep the faith.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have done it also and usually felt bad later, but needed to get some things off my chest before I imploded. My exAH sounds very similar even down to sitting in our farm house on his pity pot telling me I left him when he needed me most, I left wondering if he would black out again and shoot me or himself the next time. I couldn't live with him again and I now see my part in it all. Feel the emotions, deal with them and hand them over when you are ready. Going through the motions is no fun, but after they are worked through you can move forward. Sending you much love and support!

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

Thanks for all of your replies and understanding. I do feel a lot more calm now. A little guilt over some of the things I said but I'm human. I have talked to the divorce attorney that I work for and we have scheduled some time to sit down and talk over what is going on and get me some advice, not just quick questions answered by her in passing with not many details.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I find that for me knowledge is power, .. and while I might not like all of the answers I feel better having some kind of knowledge in whatever the situation is.

Hugs P :)

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