The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been trying to work on myself. After deciding it was time to divorce my AH , he decided it was time to convince me he could change. He really had me going there for a while, I was allowing myself to believe him. We were having good talks, had a nice 'date' out and then it came up in a conversation that I didn't think I would be comfortable with a gun in my house anymore (meaning if we reconciled there would be no guns in the house). He didn't like that. This coming from a guy that in a drunken stupor six months ago accidentally discharged that gun in my presence, then tried to kill himself a few months ago. He said since he didn't use the gun to try and kill himself with that I shouldn't feel that way and if I was willing to divorce him over something so "trivial and stupid" that we should just divorce. That he is sober now and abusing a gun isn't an issue and its his 'right' to own firearms to protect himself.
So here I am again, feeling stupid for believing him. I know plenty of men who had to get rid of their guns when they got married or had kids, I don't think it's unreasonable given his history. And it really isn't even about guns at this point, it's just another example of me trying to finally stand up for myself and him trivializing it. My feelings have merit and the fact that, once again, he is all roses and happiness as long as he's getting what he wants but met with any resistance he refuses to listen or empathize with why I might feel how I do.
I guess I just needed to vent this morning, feeling low.
It's good to see an update from you. I can so relate to the description of the change that comes over them the minute you dare express an opinion that is different from theirs. As long as you are discussing the weather, all is okay, right? Amazing how similar alcoholic behavior is. Did you let him move back in with you?
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
No we are still living separate , I was one step from filing the divorce papers when he started with the " I will do whatever it takes to stay married" speech but I am starting to see he only means doing whatever as long as its something he wants to do. He keeps telling me that I need to stop being a 'robot' I keep telling him robots don't have opinions, in other words, he only wants me to be expressive and show emotions as long as the emotions are: agreement with him, joy and happiness, anything negative or that disagrees with what he wants means I'm trying to 'control' him.
It sounds as if you have a good handle on what's going on. In healthy relationships, people are sensitive to the other's point of view. I'm with you -- a guy who fires off his gun in the house in a drunken stupor -- and then insists on keeping the gun around so it could happen again -- is not "doing whatever it takes to stay married." He's not even protecting himself, since he himself is in danger from his gun, as he's proven. And he is certainly entitled to disagree with you, but calling your point of view "trivial and stupid" is not a healthy way forward in a conversation about disagreements. So often they talk the talk, but when it comes time to walk the walk, their real feelings come out. I hope you can keep on looking at his actions rather than his words. Then you'll continue to know what the truth is. Hugs.
