Funny business with the money - Al-Anon Family Group

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Funny business with the money

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

For the first time in many many years, I have 2 overdraft charges on our checking account. Now, I know I have been lax about taking care of stuff but when I checked the account I realized that AH had been taking out extra cash on debits wherever he went. He basically took out around 400-500 in the past 10 days or so. Then, today I checked our 2 fireboxes in the house where we keep some emergency cash and I saw that he had removed $70 just today! When I got home earlier today he was rushing out to go somewhere and saying that he wasn't sure he'd be home for our son's birthday party(we were leaving for a bowling party soon). He said he had to get gas and go to Staples. Umm, is that so important that you can't wait until later or tomorrow and risk missing the birthday party? Weird, just weird these days.

He did make it home: he was pulling in the driveway as I was pulling out with son and his 2 friends. He told me that we had no cash in the checking account and I was shocked. I realized that I had been overspending myself, but then I saw all his debits and I realized that he was just as much at fault.

Obviously, it's time for me to get a handle on my spending. AH has always been so meticulous about money. I'm guessing that he's hiding money from me because he feels the divorce coming. Whatever the reason, I have to convince him to be more careful and to take out less money at a time so that I can figure out which bills need to get paid when.

And, what did I expect honestly? Coming from a guy who told the marriage therapist that he'll get a dog to satisfy his requirement for getting individual counseling. He keeps balking at AA, but the therapist wants AH to at least go to a drug/alcohol counselor for individual help. He flat out told AH that he doesn't believe that AH can quit on his own, that he's past that point in his walk with alcoholism. No more white knuckled sobriety. Well, that didn't go over well with AH, hence the dog comment. UGH!

I'm just feeling like this is the beginning and that I need to get my wit's about me at this point. And, I really need to think about what I'm going to do to find a job of some sort. IF he keeps hiding money like this, I won't be able to pay the bills.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

OK, but how do I do that without him knowing?

I've already put a small amount aside as emergency funds and I have a feeling he found it before I could leave it with my mom and that's why he's hiding his own stash. Of course, there could be something sinister going on, too. It was really weird. He had been gone all day, left to play tennis around 9:30, didn't hear from him or see him until 2:30 or so when I came home from grocery shopping. He then turned around and left in a hurry, acting funny, saying he had to go to Staples and get gas??? Like those things can't wait until the next day?

He's been sleeping on the couch instead of in the spare room, which also is really weird. I mean, why sleep on the love seat with your feet hanging off when you could sleep in a bed with a cozy mattress topper and warm blankets and sheets? I know, I know.....he's an A and they do weird stuff! Just seems to be getting weirder and weirder!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you are able to take care of yourself and make a plan Z if possible. Hand over what you can't control and think about the choices you do have to make for today. Try not to react and find time for self care. Sending you love and support!

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

I remember the first time I began to realize that our finances weren't looking so good. Unfortunately, it was a month or two after I left a good paying full time job after my husband (who was still taking care of the money matters at that time) assured me that we would be just fine. I didn't realize then that he was just beginning to descend into a new level of alcoholism that I had never dealt with before. He had always been conscientious about paying bills on time and not living beyond our means and I agreed totally so I didn't pay attention because I trusted him.

It sounds as though you suspect he is taking money out to hide from you. Could he be spending more on alcohol than you suspect? $20-$40 here and there adds up real quick. I know my husband started getting alot of cash withdrawls because I had started to notice the debit charges from the ABC store. I don't know the situation with your husband's pay but my husband got paid on a commission basis so less pay meant that he wasn't performing on the job.

Please, start looking out for yourself and plan for what you may have to do even if you never do it.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs ILD,

I really don't know what to tell you except if I had to do it all over again knowing what I know now there are probably two things I would have done differently .. I would have set myself better financially and I would stop expecting him to do what is right I mean as far as taking care of his responsibilities for the kids financially, realize that he was going to get a WHOLE lot of angry and he would keep trying to control the financial situation through with holiding finances. I would have struck with the atty when he was feeling guilty and would have just signed everything over.

Also I would have stopped trying to rationalize with someone who is so clearly irrational .. he doesn't think the way I do so therefore I only need to think for myself and allow the chips to fall where they may. I feel soooo bad for the kids they are in an awful position.

Hugs P :)

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

PS - What WOMFI said x1000 that's exactly what my first thought is .. I know I still continued to believe and trust when the reality is and was he is not a trustworthy person when he's in the throws of his addiction.

Hugs again

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Without getting into inappropriate questions on your finances, some ideas: Payday do bill pay of all bills that day (I do this already). Then cash out the food/necessary funds and hide them. Leave him access to what he needs and an allowance. This is controlling and is only a band aid to a much larger problem and no way to live long term.. Get a separate bank account and put the house hold funds in it or have your check go there. But clearly the problem is going on so again I see these as band aids so you can temporarily not have crisis. Well he may still over draw and that will still cost you. My ex just went to credit cards I didn't know existed once I took over the finances. Sorry to hear you are dealing with this :(

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't have the justification that I live with a practicing alcoholic. I do live with a self centered, self motivated spouse. The outcome is the same decisions are not "we" decisions and solutions, they are "me" decisions and reactions and therefore many reactive events. Most times...not all...it sends her back to "returning" stuff and even more times I won't be informed or use "How big a deal is it" to shorten my reaction. I hate resentments so I leave this kinds of stuff over to HP and their relationship and don't judge her. I have learned what works and doesn't work in the program and what the program says to me is "say what I mean, mean what I say...don't say it mean - and say it - inform". If I don't do as suggested I begin to sound exactly and do exactly as my duck Pinch...Kvack...vack...vack...vack!! As suggested I also need to have the solution for myself; in this thread it's financial and I have that and manage that myself and that reveals how "I" am doing...not how she is doing or how we are doing. If one of the partners is screwing up then both partners are screwing up as well as the one making the lousey decisions. It also reaches out and touches creditors as it is supposed to and I have learned not to protect or save the alcoholic because of those consequences. When my alcoholic/addict was stealing and lying regarding the money and the bills would not be paid...I told the creditors what would happen and to shut of the stream of credit, recall any assets including her car and such. Of course she didn't like that...what alcoholic ever has and then the lesson was about me not saving the person who was trying to drown themselves.

He has got a lot of useful feedback from others and has responded to it with denial and disrespect...that is his choice and behavior. He needs to have the consequences also.

Apply your best program toward your own growth and the growth of your family.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like he has moved into crazytown bigtime. And you are handling it with good health! I mean you're not wasting time trying to get him to explain his actions or whatever, which we all know from experience would be fruitless. I agree that you urgently need to protect yourself. I don't know how the money is arranged in your household but if you have income of your own coming in, I agree that directing it to a private bank account would be an important step. Of course he's bound to figure it out pretty soon. Whatever he's spending money on, he's spending too much of it and he'll soon he nosing around trying to figure out why he doesn't have as much as he did before. Because it sounds as if he's already spending at a rate faster than can be sustained.

I know there are books about protecting your assets in case of a divorce -- not that you need to get a divorce, just that the advice will be the same. Could you find one of those at the library and take those steps?

I had a friend whose longtime boyfriend had started doing similar things. After quite some time she finally ferreted out that he was using drugs compulsively. This was a straight-up, wholesome guy you never would have expected it of. Not to say that this is the answer in your case, but it sounds as if something has accelerated.

And really, who misses their kid's birthday party??? Because they went to the store??? This speaks of serious dysfunction and compulsion of some kind. It makes me wonder if he's meeting a dealer or shooting up somewhere, but I could be completely off base. Similarly, I'd guess that the reason he's sleeping on the sofa is what he does at night when you're not watching -- ingesting something illicit, whatever it is, would be my guess.

It sounds to me as if your A, like so many of our A's, has taken on a huge mortgage in Crazytown. So fortunate that you have your wits about you! Please take very good care of yourself!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie, he didn't miss the party, I noted that he did get home just as I was pulling out of the driveway. Yet, the fact that he had to rush off like that and made it seem so important is what screams dysfunction!

Gosh, I hope it hasn't escalated to anything like drugs, or gambling, ugh! I was just thinking that he's hiding money from me because he doesn't want the assets to show up if I divorce him. Like maybe putting money in a safe deposit box or something?

As for me, the money stuff is hard because I don't work. I have a bank account in my name only and I am the primary account holder on our joint brokerage account. I am hoping to continue homeschooling my son through 10th grade and then having him do college credit courses and classes at our local homeschool group on his own. Hopefully, by 11th grade he won't need as much assistance from me, LOL. He has some serious learning disabilities that the neurologist believes was from low apgar scores when he was born from a traumatic birth injury. Throw in the ADHD and the Tourette's and the boy has a lot of struggles, along with anxiety that is co-morbid with Tourette's. Sooo, my son's issues is mainly why I continue on in this marriage. I'm not afraid to go back to work, I'm really afraid that my son will get lost in the mess of an educational system we have here in AZ, not a lot of resources for LD kids at the public school level.

I guess I'm just trying to put it off as best as I can until our son gets a bit older. I've been working on all kinds of skills with him these past few months and have him with a counselor who also helps him with his ADHD stuff and coping skills in dealing with our crazy household.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I just meant that your AH was telling you that he might not be back in time for the party -- I mean, what situation would be so urgent that he might miss his son's birthday party, and yet not urgent enough to explain it to you? I could see "My brother's just been hit by a car and is in the hospital -- I'm sorry I might have to miss the party but I need to see if he's okay..." But just "I'm going on a weird errand I might not be back in time" kind of thing? It suggests to me (as to you) that something funny is going on.

I hadn't thought of gambling. My ex-AH went through a gambling phase. He was so chronically broke (and they'd taken away his credit) that I think he found it hard to make that a real addiction, lol! But no question he would have if he had been rich.

It sounds as if you're doing many things to take care of yourself. Just in case things head badly downhill, it might be worthwhile asking an attorney about possible alimony and maintenance, considering your son's challenges and that you going back to work would have a bad impact on your son. It could be that they'd set up a wage garnishment so that the money would come to you before your H gets his paycheck, I mean if you were separated or divorced. Not saying that those are necessary steps, just that if things should take a terrible downward dive, money-wise, that might be an option to make sure you and your son are supported while his schooling is so crucial. Of course I hope it doesn't come to that. You are being so thoughtful in dealing with so much!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, right, gotcha. Yeah, that was weird. How is getting gas and going to Staples that important and something that can't be done later in the day or the next day, right?

I've thought about bringing up the money stuff in front of the marriage therapist and referring it back to my trust issues, not sure how well that will go over. I honestly just don't have the emotional energy right now to confront him. I think I need to call a lawyer.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.