The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
But it's true---no rules about sharing or not sharing.
I was addressing mainly about wanting/needing to share and being afraid of not being "qualified enough" because of being new or "still in the problem/under the influence".
thanks again,
Allie
-- Edited by AllieinAlanon on Friday 9th of November 2012 08:21:52 PM
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Alanon is about self-care, not caring for the alcoholic.
Together, with my sponsor, I have decided to ask a question about Alanon meetings or Alanon in general.
As I may have shared, Alanon is my last loose end I have had to tie in my recovery/addiction process in my life.
When I feel afraid to share, though, my process is interrupted.
This has nothing to do with anybody in groups or alanon as a whole.
I am sharing this because:
I feel as though my guilt and my shame get in the way, plus all the dogma (my experience) I got fed in AA meetings, many other 12 step groups, incl. ACA groups!
One 12 step group told me to stay "solution-focused", another told me to "take the mess to my sponsor and carry the messag to __________ (name of 12 step program)".
As a result of this and living in an inhibiting, intimidating alcoholic/dysfunctional environment, I have "lost my voice" as one or more ppl have shared with me.
I don't know if Alanon has the same "rule" about "taking the mess to sponsor".
I am a mess. My life is confusing right now and I do need to share about it. It is not even restricted to living with my a, but permeating my whole life---codependency, which generates as much stress to me as any drug addiction.
But I don't want to give a bad example to Alanon, as I was discouraged from doing in other programs. "Carry the message".
In another program, someone told me that even the newcomer has something to contribute.
I need to know if I was "brainwashed" (joke) by AA or if Alanon has the same principle.
I was told in AA (by a few ppl explaining about the "cotton in the mouth" thing) that many new ppl and many ppl still under the influence should not share because their words may not be sensible or they may be sharing sick stuff or drivel or hard to keep under control.
I am not sure if Alanon is the same way.
I still feel like I am "under the influence of my alanon disease", however I don't want to feel stifled by my own fears of being scolded or told that I am sharing a bad example of recovery.
I need to share and to follow the suggestions you all have given me about sharing.
My sponsor says I am at an impasse because of this fear.
My sponsor also said that i need to practice being in a group and alanon is exactly a learning place to deal with interacting in a healthy environment. I have been so used to surviving in a volatile, tempermental, unstable alcoholic place and have no clue what to expect elsewhere. lol
I don't expect ppl to speak for alanon, only their own experience.
Is alanon as strict as AA?
About sharing?
Can I make mistakes here? lol
I apologize, again, if I sound pathetic and non-supportive/nonrecovering.
Maybe I am just being very silly and trying, again, to "stay ahead" as a result of living in an alcoholic place?
Allie
PS:
I am going to face to face now. And dealing with similar issues there. Scared to share; even walked out last night cause I was very very scared the leader was going to not call on me when it was my turn. lol
__________________
Alanon is about self-care, not caring for the alcoholic.
I have to admit I so relate and I did laugh as I read your post. There are no musts in Alanon or AA. The best part is you don't have to share if you don't want to you get to say pass .. no one should be sitting with a timer and ruler stating you didn't share you don't belong. From time to time I get a giggle out of the AA group I attend because they will call on people who haven't shared and it is meant in a very well meaning way .. if someone wishes to share they can .. some people do need that extra time to think or they think of something they wish to say after the fact. I still fumble on how I share .. it's all ok, I will figure it out.
Either way it's part of being within a group, ... to share or not that is entirely up to you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for posting such an honest share on our boards. As you said, I can only share my experience, strength and hope from my 20+ years in Al-anon. I do not belong to another 12-step program at this time, and have never had the need to go to a closed AA meeting, although I have attended some open ones. I have also been a part of a Co-dependency 12-step group and an ACOA group. It has been my experience that out of all those mentioned Al-anon (for me) had the best balance of boundaries, and caring. I guess I am one of the lucky ones, but I have rarely felt judged when sharing. I did have trouble sharing when I first came into the program, but after hanging around for awhile and seeing how open and honest everyone was, I eventually felt comfortable enough to share my own story.
While it may be true that after we have been in al-anon awhile we try to "carry the message" more than we are inclined to share the other "stuff", and try to limit that to our sponsor. However, that being said, I also feel that when I've of been going through a particulary rough patch I still feel as though I can "share from the heart" without judgement. I just try to not make it a habit to only bring "problems" to the table and not "solutions", from that perspective.
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
The only thing I have ever heard about sharing and being "under the influence" at an AA meeting is that they welcome people even those who are not sober provided they are not disruptive, they do not encourage sharing while under THAT kind of influence.
Who gets to say who gets to judge as far as who is qualified. I have learned just as much from a new comer (I still consider myself a new person even after almost 2 years under my belt) as I have from a long timer.
The whole point is to have a healthy outlet where it's ok to be me whatever that means. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm really happy riding what I've heard AAer's call the pink cloud I've so been there with Alanon. Every once in a while I don't share because really all I want to do is listen.
You have been damaged directly or indirectly by the disease of alcoholism, you are qualified to speak or not at an Alanon meeting (or open AA meeting based upon the sharing rules of that group, I attend an amazing AA open group that allows other non alcoholics to speak as they need to, the amazing part is this .. it opens a whole flood gate of conversation and discussion the best meetings I attend my saturday morning coffee dates. Love them!!!
I have found in my own sharing and listening to others I am guided by how to share. The best lessons I have received are here on MIP .. so I hope you keep coming back .. sometimes it's easier to share in written form than verbally .. I know I get tangled in my thoughts and putting it down here helps me process through.
Hugs again P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
In NYC we have a number of different meetings and each meeting has a certain protocol as to sharing. There are no rules and just suggestions. and guidelines .Members are requested to share on the alanon topic of the meeting or any alanon topic they like. If they have a burning desire to share on a different topic they can do so.
Our Beginner meetings share on beginning tools and then the meeting is open to beginners to share their hearts.
Speaker meetings are meetings where a speaker share their journey from how it was, what happened how it is now. Then the meeting is opened and members share as to what part of the share they identified with and where they are.
Step and tradition meetings share on a step or tradition each week and ask that members share as to where they are with their understanding of the step and how they feel on the subject.
Topic meetings usually select a slogan, or a principle so alanon--- read from CA literature on the subject and then members share how they feel about the topic
There is no need to worry about what to share. Share from your heart and just remember that each person would like to share so follow the guidelines as to the time of each share.
Your sponsor is correct it is important to share and learn how to feel safe in the rooms.
There are no rules in AA. The only require for membership is a desire to stop drinking. We only learn through our mistakes. It took me a long time to be brave enough to make some, but I become my thoughts and actions, so I had to act differently, if I wanted a different life.
You do have the option to have multiple sponsors, and for me personally, a sponsor who stresses me out more than anything else has got to be lovingly let go. In MY OPINION, a sponsor should lead by example and never try and control. There is a pamphlet on sponsorship that really helped me understand the role of a sponsor. Right now, I have 2 sponsors, and that works really well for me, but when I'm doing the steps, I do that with only one and use the other for bouncing off and out of my head with. That's how I do it, and what works for me. Not saying it's what you should do.
I have no experience with Alanon other than a few posts over the past few days on this site. Haven't been to a f2f meeting. All the abbreviations here are really confusing to me, and most of the time I have no clue what or who people are talking about because of this lol.... BUT - I'm trying to look at the similarities and not the differences, I'm putting myself out there and trying to be myself and share from the heart. I've been fretting over the "am I doing this right" for the past few days, because I don't want to harm anyone... but people are very understanding of newbies, and the only way to learn to tie your shoe is to try. It requires an action. I try to be honest, and keep taking action. I'm trying to learn just like you so I just keep coming back : )
The other thing I have been thinking about is how I think I can control things - and really I can't. I can't make my husband get skinny by eating less myself. So I keep my eyes on my own plate - expect that the food I eat (the info I get here) is only for me (and not to try and control or learn for someone else) and keep on keepin on. I do this for me... for my serenity... and it works : )
I have been shocked and amazed at some of the people on this board. Very brilliant and it's humbling.
Thanks for the thread, and thanks to everyone else who posts here : ) Grateful today, Tasha
Maybe it's my distorted idea that I can't make any mistakes. living in such a dysfunctional place (the combo of growing up in a dysfunctional environment, dealing with alkies and addicts, people with mental illnesses, during my adult life) probably did that to me. I had grown so cognitively distorted just from having to second guess and stay ahead of every onslaught of attack they placed on me.
Even in 12 step recovery (not alanon) I got a lot of damage from dealing with alcoholics that were either dry drunk or very egotistical (my experience). They talked of the steps, seemed to have recovery, but they were very volatile and judgemental.
Mixed with their adamant attitude against self-pity (which is okay usually) they were abusive and quick to snap judge me and other newcomers and other ppl struggling with addictions and/or any of their issues.
They were esp hard on ACA's and people living with alcoholics.
Maybe that was what partly did it.
I don't knock AA or OA or any of the programs whatsoever, but being exposed to some of the members' attitudes; their sicknesses.
It has been hard to filter that out for the past 28 years I've been in recovery.
So my sponsor made me start Alanon, too, to learn h ow to filter out all the crud/sickness of others and learn to deal with ME.
I do qualify, I live with an alkie.
But dealing with many alkie friends and other ppl in 12 step programs have also taken their toll on me.
Allie
-- Edited by AllieinAlanon on Sunday 11th of November 2012 02:19:23 AM
__________________
Alanon is about self-care, not caring for the alcoholic.
You are really not alone and not unique Many of us live with , grew up with, work with , love alcoholics. We have all been subjected to the attitudes and feelings that can distort reality and cause us to react in a destructive negative manner. We use destructive tools to protect ourselves like: Blaming others, Justifying our behavior, making ourselves invisible, denying reality and pretending we are OK
The principles of alanon keep each of us safe enough to share and discard the powerful affects of living with this disease.
Remember what others think of you is unimportant it is in alanon that I found What I think of me" is all that counts
