"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

new to board...

shamrockgrl74 · Newbie

Hi..I'm new to board and have never done this before....

My DH is a recovering drug addict. He cleaned up in his 20's...he had been clean & sober for about 10 years when I meet him. Fast forward.... 5 years ago he started taking pain killers for a neck issue... I was nieve and didn't think much of it until i noticed behavior changes and pills being taken more than should....i called him out on it, on more than one occasion telling him he need help...I just didn't realize at time what type of help he needed...anyhow... that turned into him going back to using drugs...i never caught him doing but found other things that lead me to discover what was going on....at that point he entered out patient care and "started" going to meetings...i was nieve still and a year later he was back to using...and only to discover he hadn't really fully quite the first time... he was still taking a type of pain med. At that point I told him he had to enter a inpatient program and i contact a lawyer, since I have a DD & DS, I was close to filing divorce but didn't. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I never told him I almost did. When he got out of the inpatient I made it 100% crystal clear I would not do this again. He said good...if I do take the kids and run! well here we are today...about a year and a half later and I have red flags popping up all over the place for me. I confronted him tonight. ( was supposed to be done in front of MFT but that appt was cancelled) In a nut shell, said I don't beleive him, I think he is using again...of not he sure the heck wants to, handed him 2 papers on out patient programs and told him he has a choice to make - the drugs or his family. He made light of it all, and tried to tell me oh now you care and pin the problem on me since I don't go to meetings. I know it is not my problem. It is his. I also know I will never fully understand, no matter how much i read on the subject, why someone would choose to self distruct and risk their family. I'm not an addict, I don't have a addictive personality, unless you count the love of chocolate. I am a very grounded individual. I've seen 2 therapist through out all this and neither one has thought I feel in to the role of a co-dependant. ugh!

Maxine12stepper · Veteran Member

Hello Shamrockgirl,

first of all I'd like to welcome you here and thank you for posting, xxx

In my experience living with a 'dry drunk' at the time,, I spent 2 years thinking 'hes the one with the problem' and I stomped my feet and attacked my partner with 'you need to get back to meetings' 'you need to work the 12 steps' when in reality I was just as sick as he, I am not an addict, i dont crave drink, drugs or food, but I have the illness, and I have now found al anon and this wonderful MIP family and I will be attending my first Face to Face (f2f) meeting this coming sunday, I hope you too can get to a meeting asap, you will see that you will have all the love and support you need, you will pick up many al anon tools to help you cope, detach and live your own life.
I find listening to al anon speakers online really helpful, I even listen to aa speakers, just to be nosey ;) lol Just listening to peoples experience, strength and hope totally lifts me up and I know I am not alone, everyday I understand more about addiction and how we have not one bit of control over anyone, and as Bettina rightly say's , you didnt cause it, you cant control it, and you cant cure it, but you totally can learn to live again and detach. :)

I wish you well, I send my love with a hug,

keep coming back hunnie, this really helps

Big love

Maxine xxxx

shamrockgrl74 · Newbie

I fully realize it is not up to me to police if he is using or not, attending meetings or not. I try very hard not to second guess every move, and most of the time I am pretty successful at it. I have myself involved in things ( running group girl scouts, volunteer at school, etc) to take care of me, and be a active participant in my children's lives. That being said, when you are harmlessly cleaning the garage and find a lighter in a box it sets of warning bells, or when you walk in on him watching "in appropriate things and doing in appropriate things while watching" and anyone could walk in because it is 8:45pm, it sets of warning bells. I do not ask about his recovery or if he is going to meetings, because I was told not to by him he didn't want to feel like he was being mothered. The fact I don't ask gets thrown back in my face, and I am told I don't care. I do not let his problems run my life. Yet, having to children it does to a point. If I have warning bells going off, I cannot in good conscious leave to children in harms way.

When he was in inpatient and outpatient I went to a few of the speakers and listened. Very little resonated with me. Even the Al-anon meeting I went to little resonated. No one had kids, no one was in a similar situation to relate to. They were girl friends / siblings / parents of an addict. Having kids and it be your DH is not the same... Kids add a different dimension...there needs and safety must come first ...at least that is me.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP.... one great book that I would highly recommend you read is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews. Don't worry about the fact that it is a book about alcoholism - when it comes down to it - "addiction is addiction is addiction".

Al-Anon is filled with people from all walks of life, and all circumstances..... When I entered the doors of Al-Anon, I had an alcoholic wife, and two small children (3 & 1), and it was VERY applicable to me, and in the long haul, I learned a ton.... We don't learn to "ignore" unacceptable behavior - far from it..... what we DO learn is to use the tools so we don't get all wrapped up in their disease, and to focus our energy on what WE want and need..... Some choose to stay, others choose to leave, but all of us "get better"....

Please keep coming back

Tom

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

Just want to say welcome.

Kathleen

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

"I made it 100% crystal clear I would not do this again. He said good...if I do take the kids and run!"

Welcome Shamrock.

The red flag was waving at me about this above. You made a boundary, a consequence. Now the A is seeing you giving him yet another chance.

His disease now is seeing how one does not stick to what they say! Will not take you seriously.

In Al Anon we learn to make boundaries and stick to the consequences. The manipulative mind of the A loves it when we don't, as it can just keep on keeping on.

Believe me you are not the first to do this! hugs,debilyn

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I also know I will never fully understand, no matter how much i read on the subject, why someone would choose to self distruct and risk their family.

Kids add a different dimension...their needs and safety must come first ...at least that is me.
-----------------------------------------
Hi,
Yes, I know how you feel and how you think. And your A is just like mine. Pushes me away and then is angry/sad that I am not there.

Really, AlAnon is very much for you. It will help you make the decisions that pull at your heart. Stay or leave. And then the guilt of whatever you decide. You will have a bunch of people in your corner that you can talk to that will not ever tell you what you SHOULD do. And they do understand what you are living with. You can't talk about this with your girlfriends, not with people you work with, not with family. They all try to tell you what you should do....and then they get mad when you don't.

I had 4 daughters and I had to decide if it was bad enough for them. My hubby was a workaholic as well as an alcoholic. He wasn't home a lot. I was a stay at home mom too, but I used that time to finish my college degree (one class every semester.... took forever.) By the time I really had to make some decisions the kids were old enough and I was employable.... but that is when he quit and joined AA.... oh, and lost his job.

The point is.... the future is un-knowable. You have to live every day doing the best you can with what you have. If your kids are feeling the pain like you are, then you should do something for them. If they are okay, then you can concentrate on what is best for you and them and take your time making your decisions. Get your ducks in a row.

You can learn to live "around" him. You can learn to accept whatever good qualities he has and detach from his self destructive ways and let him have his own consequences for them. AlAnon will help you with all that.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Shamrock,
Try a different meeting, its hard to believe that the people there have no children.

I dont understand when you say no one there was in a similar situation, Addiction is addiction.

They do have a group called narcanon that deals with drug addiction, but they dont have as many meetings as Alanon, depending where you live.

There is a saying in Alanon, "Nothing changes if nothing changes".

Hope you find the courage and the solutions for your life. Keep posting!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Shamrock and another welcome to the board. It's good that you're reaching out and looking for help. When you went to your Al-Anon meeting in the closing of that meeting most likely they mentioned "if you keep and open mind...you will find help". A part of openmindedness is listening for the similarities between the shares in the room and your own condition. When I was caught up in the differences at the beginning of my own recovery and while being married to an alcoholic/addict I also was caught up in the differences. "They" were all women so...and many other excuses I was stuck on for justifications that "they" didn't and couldn't understand so I stayed angry, lonely, confused, resentful and impatient until I started following thru with the suggestions such as the openmindedness. We also use to read the AMA (American Medical Association) definition of alcoholism (a compulsive addiction with an allergy) which opened up my mind further. It said that my spouse had lost the choice of whether she used and drank or not and that made tons of sense to me as I knew of no one who could or would continue to do that and suffer so much disaster because of it. Under the influence the alcoholic and addict become different people and then I found out that the woman I was married to were two separate women...my wife...and...my alcoholic/addict. It wasn't a matter of rational choice it was obsessive, compulsive addiction...it owned her and made her choices for her and she could not not drink and use the way and when she did.

I also have a chocolate addiction...dark dutch chocolate, hard and somewhat bitter especially in ice cream...I am a recovering smoker and alcoholic myself. I don't drink or smoke (anything) like I use to and I rationalize my drive for chocolate...dark, dutch, hard and somewhat bitter as being "not so bad". Alcoholics and addicts rationalize all the time...just before they use. "I'll only have one" and then we go to the larger sizes and/or to the stronger stuff. That's my story and I didn't understand until I got into the program and sat and listened with an open mind and looked for the similarities.

I got in a while ago and where I got into recovery there were 439 meetings a month in the tri-valley area and that was an indication of a huge problem and it was suggested that I get to 90 meetings in 90 days and I knew why because it was important for me to be faced with the information both of the addiction and the recovery process daily for that period of time...it is still working.

It's good to have you here so we can share what it was like for us, what we found out and how it is like now. Do keep coming back. He'll probably continue to use and you don't have to loose your sanity over it. There are lots of alternatives. ((((hugs)))) smile

shamrockgrl74 · Newbie

The stay or go debate is the one I have going thru my head. I am a SAHM, have been since my 7 year old was born. I know I deserve better, and so do they. No one deserves to feel like they play 2nd fiddle to drugs/ football /politics ( mine has, INMO, become OCD when it comes to the latter 2) Ducks in a row is very important to me, as is not ruining the kids holidays. We moved to Tx, 8 months ago for his job. Tx is the last place I want to live...I didn't want to leave Ca...it is home...that where all family and friends are....any how I digress. I have no idea of the laws here, and the last thing I want to do is run home with the kids and risk loosing them all together. Tx has tons of funky laws from what I have noticed in the short time we have been here, so at this point nothing they have on the books regarding child custody laws would surprise me.

As far as not being able to relate. I guess I am looking for stories from people who children and stayed or left...and the reasons why. I honestly think if I didn't have the kids I would be long done. For me it would be far easier to walk away when there isn't the potential of harming your child, not that they aren't being harmed....

I am not a drinker. I can count on 1 hand how many i have probably had in a years time. I would much rather eat my calories. LOL! Never smoked, never did drugs. Have never understood the draw to wanting to be out of control of ones faculties and not remember or know what you are doing. I am a very much a Virgo. For me,being adopted, I never wanted to be out of control. I guess on some level, looking back, all the anti-drug ads in the 80's resonated with me. ( probably one of the few kids who it did) I was smart enough at 15 to know that I didn't know my family history and could become an addict and also didn't want to disappoint my parents. They instilled a good fear of god in me. LOL!

People say take care of yourself..... I get, and I do...however when you live with someone you can not fully trust with the kids when they are in relapse or using...it makes it very hard to take care of ones self. IE: I joined a running group to meet people, and make friends. Well we run Saturday mornings at 6am. The last thing I want to do is leave my kids home when there are tons of red flags. It makes it very difficult to take care of ones self when the things you would like to do for yourself you require leaving the children in potential harms way.

Tasha · Veteran Member

Hello : )

I am the alcoholic and my husband told me if he wasn't there, a babysitter would be - we did that for a few months before he felt he could trust me enough with the kids again. I was treated like the irresponsible big baby I was acting like, and that was eye opening enough for me to keep (what I call my baby bottles) at the liquor store, pour out all the booze, and pour myself into the program. I realize babysitters cost a lot of money and take a lot of arranging... so best of luck to you : )

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"