The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What could you do for her if she had a different disease such as cancer? If she didn't want to go to chemo, would you make her? Is this different in your opinion?
I've tried to convince my alcoholic dad (now 65) to go to AA in the past year since finding out how wonderful recovery is. It's no use, and I just treat him like I would anyone else... with respect, and love. My dad is dying before my eyes too. His eyes were getting yellow when I saw him last week. I kept a smile on my face, and enjoyed the time I had with him.
It sucks especially knowing how simple this program actually can be, and knowing how smart and wonderful he is - he would have a lot to contribute to the world. Instead, I just enjoy the time (sober time) I can with him. Just like when he had cancer last year, I loved him, visited him when he was feeling up to it, and treated him like the adult he is, who has to make his own choices. I wanted him to go through an entirely different treatment, and I wanted him to make up his mind about what treatment he was going to do much faster than he did... but I left it in his and God's hands... and that's all I can do still.
I feel for you - and I can relate to your frustration. My dad is my best friend. I can't imagine the day I wont call him up to talk about all the inventions coming in the future, and listening to all the stories from his youth. He's an amazing guy - but none of us really knows the future, and maybe our parents will die in a car crash tomorrow. Savor today : )
((((((HUGS))))))
-- Edited by Tasha on Thursday 8th of November 2012 09:38:46 PM
Hi everyone. I am new to this forum. My mother is 64, her parents were both alcoholics and she began drinking about 20 years ago when I was in high school. For the most part she is what I would call a relatively high functioning A- she went to work every day, was dependable for any social events, didn't get plastered/ no major drama, arrests, etc. She was a wonderful mother growing up - very loving, supportive and dedicated. After her last relationship ended about 10 yrs ago she started to drink more and in the past 2 years she has spiraled out of control - lost her job, been in and out of the hospital and is close to losing her home. By nature my mom is very withdrawn/shy and she is living alone so she's hidden her decline fairly well. Our family (her brother & sister and I - the only child) encouraged her to go to rehab earlier this year which she did, completed it but then relapsed within about a week. She has not been going to AA meetings and refuses to. Most of her friends and some of our family members have lost faith in her ability to come around and others are tired of the drunken calls and late night pit parties. Everyone has provided her with the same counsel and attempted to build her confidence though she's essentially a bottomless pit at this point. She is in heavy denial, very depressed, and alone.
I've been all over the map with emotions and approaches on this journey. I've cried many tears, held multiple family interventions, tried pleading with her, had heart to heart convos and have even managed to yell, yes yell, at my own mother about her disease and the destruction it's caused. I hate conflict and I have literally screamed at her for the things she has done and said over the past 2 years which have been like watching some horrific monster take over my mom. I've searched for wisdom and insight in the many Al Anon related books and forums and I do remind myself of the 3 C's and find them of some comfort. But ultimately I am at a loss for what to do. I am torn because I am not ready for her to die and I see her health seriously deteriorating, remember she is 64. She has lost a tremendous amount of weight in the past yr, has terrible shaking if she withdraws at all, regularly vomits and has very little muscle tone/strength left. Realistically she needs to be in assisted care which she refuses. I have not allowed her to move in with me because I have children and I don't want them exposed to her in this state. But everyday I wait for the call that she has died or is in the hospital from a suicide attempt. I struggle with holiday plans anticipating instead I'll be preparing her funeral. I really and truly feel helpless. I absolutely 100% do not want her to drink 1 more drink and I will NOT enable her. I have been trying not to take her calls in order to detach somewhat. But ultimately I don't know how to reconcile the feeling I have that by waiting for her to come around to choose help and not intervene at all, I am letting her die. And because of how the disease has progressed in her so quickly, in part because of her age, I feel that death is inevitable and quickly approaching. What the hell am I supposed to do? I am so lost. I want my mom back. I know I can't force her to stop but how do I live with myself knowing she's dying and I'm not helping her? I don't get it. Your feedback is appreciated and welcome. Thank you.
I am so sorry that his disease is infecting your family and your life. Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who live with the problem of alcoholism. We have Face to Face meetings in almost every community and the support given at these meetings saved my life.
Check in the white pages for the main Alanon listing and find a meeting that works for you and attend. Here you will learn to break the isolation, sadness, fear that you are experiencing.
We may be powerless over this disease in your Mother however at these meetings I received the tools that helped me rebuild my faith, confidence and compassion.
You are helping her as much as possible by just being you. You model happiness and a recovery program of your own and that may (although you are right to keep expectations low) attract her to recovery also. Your post was very touching and you seem to have truly tried everything.
To that end - you can say that your side of the street is clean. When I read your post, I really can see you tried everything. You have done everything a concerned an loving child would do. You are powerless. This is not much different than a parent who is a smoker dying of lung cancer while sucking down the cigarettes. Of course the pity parties and depression are worse with alcohol and that makes it particularly hard to watch.
I guess the best solution is to go to alanon for support and to "recharge your battery" as they say. What you are dealing with is draining to your soul.
