Wow. I feel for you. But also for him believe it or not. What a terrible way to live being so paranoid and insecure. The alcoholic mind is one that obsesses and the drinking serves to numb that process. I never chosen to obsess in the way your husband does but I obsessed on other things for sure. I also know that alanoners tend to obsess as well. They(we) obsess on their partners often too.

I pray that your spouse gets to the root of his disease and learns what recovery is really about - Freedom from the bondage of self.

Even if you were cheating on him? His worst fear...so what? That's not the end of the world. So much time and energy wasted on BS. In my relationships, I spent more time trying to convince myself someone wasn't cheating on me annd then found out they were (I can laugh at that now cuz it's in the past).

Of course you seem to know how it's his issue and I can only imagine how it must be living with someone so paranoid. I suspect alcohol may have functioned to self-medicate that paranoid/delusional obsessive mindset for him. You stated he'd been going to self-help groups for 3 years. That can mean a lot of things. People don't change in AA/NA until they acquire longer term sobriety AND put in the work.

It's good you can see his craziness for what it is and then turn the focus that quickly back to you.

Hi PP, good to see you back! It looks like you're doing okay under the circumstances, using the al-anon tools, Yeaaaaa for you!!!!

Clearly this is his stuff to work out. I don't have to get hooked by anyone else's healing process, even if they try to make it about me, hahaha! His fear is not about you. He is the one being triggered. He is responsible for his emotions.

I will suggest that this stuff takes time. We all wish we could be involved with someone who carries no baggage, right? how realistic is that? we all have stuff to work out. The goal in my relationship is to practice patience while he works out his own healing with his own higher power, I listen to my partner so that he can get it out and heal. that's the way it works sometimes, we just need to hear ourselves. I cannot force his healing to happen today, although that would be so convenient. But I am not higher power, this stuff gets worked out in Higher power's timing. and it looks to me, as though your husband is working on it so that's the good stuff right there, I never had a husband willing to do that.

My suggestion is to do as we all have to do, don't get emotionally hooked by his stuff - detach. Let him own his own feelings. As Betty suggests, stay on your side of the street and keep a boundary that he stay on his. He may find that it's more true that HE is the one who's had thoughts of being unfaithful. that's the way it worked for me, I projected my stuff onto others.

I am grateful to be dating a man who will gently remind me that he loves me and is committed to our relationship when I get triggered by fear. maybe that's all your husband needs to hear. My partner doesn't change what he is doing, and I am grateful for that too because my fears are not about him, they're about me. That's what relationships do, in my opinion, they hasten our walk to Higher power. or not. we may insist on playing the Director, lining up the shots as we see fit, "work with me people, work with me!!" lol

Take what you like, my friend. Go to that meeting and be at peace.

When my husband started behaving badly - punching holes in the wall, smashing chairs etc, I was terrified. He was so angry, and it was building up for years. This was a person who wouldn't hurt a fly. In a very brave moment, I came to the realization --thanks to recovery-- that I couldn't just walk away anymore. It would allow him to behave worse and worse if I kept essentially running to hide because I was scared of confronting him. It finally hit me that even though I was scared of confrontation - It didn't have to be scary, in essence, I was just going to stand up for what was okay behavior towards me and what wasn't.

I took a deep breath and I looked him straight in the eyes and I didn't even get up or move other than that. I said "you're not going to scare me into being anything other than what I am anymore. It's not okay with me that you yell and smash stuff, and it's not okay for our family. I'm not going to go to another room, and I'm not going to listen to you yell and scream anymore either. If you want to talk to me, calm yourself down right now, or walk away, but I'm not okay with this right now, I'm never going to be again. You can speak to me respectfully because I am a decent person who has made a lot of mistakes, but that's in the past now, and I'm not going to grovel about that anymore. I deserve to be treated kindly because I'm a good person, and you are too. This is not who either of us was meant to be!". That meant I had to start acting like it - I was the jealous one - doing the things you described above... I had to make a decision to be different too. We both did. That's when I realized if the "treat others as you would want to be treated" was going to work, I better get with the program too... literally.

Boundaries change everything for us.

As much as that sounds like it would only happen in the movies - it worked. He did walk out of the room, and I sat there to tremble and wonder if I really just did that. Finally, after a long hour or so - I came into the kitchen where he was just numb. That was a real turning point for us. Neither of us wanted to really even try anymore - our marriage was all lies and hurt, and we were both just out. He had admitted that to me, but I had never admitted that to him, so I finally did. It took some real trust in my HP that I would be okay no matter what, and always have what I would need, and then I told him... I want to be the person I was always meant to be, with or without you. The person you once knew and fell in love with. And I knew that person inside of you too once. You had this amazing integrity, this amazing charm and cool collected persona. You were lovely, and corny and caring and gentle. You always gave me a smile in the morning and when you got home from work, and you always kissed me good bye. This disease has taken that away. We have lost each other, and I don't know if we'll get it back, but selling this house, and tearing apart the kids and our life sounds horrible. I know I can love your soul and forget about all of this right now and try and do the next right thing. And then even though I didn't want to - I hugged him, and he was like a rock. But I kept hugging him, because I was still his wife, and it was the next right thing to do.

Slowly, he softened, and we just hugged, an unemotional, no feelings what so ever hug - but it was an action of much needed love, and we both needed love.

We decided from there through many many talks - talks that are still happening every day - that we will continue to be on the same team. Back each other up... talk when we want to revert back to our silent treatments, continue to love when we don't want to and continue to love ourselves. In taking those actions repeatedly, continuing to accept each others mistakes, continuing to support each other like a married couple should - we become our actions. We begin to slowly feel a spark again... slowly, we fall in love, and it's new to us, and it's scary and hard to trust, but we continue to act like we trust, chose to be kind, chose to TRUST for our own sanity, chose to support, chose to love, choose to accept each other just the way we are... mistakes and all, and remember what it is we love, and why it is we're loving... the rest just get's put into the "sh*t happens" bucket, and we start over... move on... trying to the next right thing.

So far so good : ) So so good.

This program works for us. WE work it, and it's worth it.


P.s. - I am the alcoholic here, in case that wasn't clear. I am trying to apply this knowledge to accept my life growing up with an alcoholic, and that is also working : ) So thanks everyone for your posts!