The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can so identify with your share. The feelings that you describe lived within the depths of my soul and I truly thought "That is who I am" for so very long. My sponsor assured me that these were ancient feelings that were the result of living with this disease. She said these were the tools I used to protect myself from the emotional destruction of living with this disease. Under these defensive weapons was my true self and my HP. I was asked to slowly work the Steps, use the slogans, continue to attend meetings and gradually I would find these feelings changed into more normal feelings such as --serenity, courage, compassion, empathy, normal anger, ( not connected to past hurts)
When I finished working The 4th thru the 12 Step it felt like magic to my soul. One day the old hurts the anger, resentment , self pity and fear lifted and the freedom was and still is a safe beautiful place to dwell. Here I also found the assurance and wisdom of my HP within.
I did have to give up my many of old weapons of sarcasm, gossip, criticism, of others but the reward was worth it. Attending meetings practicing these principles in all my affairs really helped in the re-learning
Trust the process. It works if we work it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 8th of November 2012 10:57:16 AM
I am grateful that I found a sponsor who understands it all, she is an adult child too and we include ACA meetings to our weekly round. It was in ACA that things really began to click for me, I needed healing all the way back to my childhood. I use the daily reader Hope For Today and the book From Survival To Recovery, Growing up in an Alcoholic Home... both are great.
My sponsor is so unconditionally loving with me, sometimes she says, "poor baby. I know... I know...." while that may sound silly, I feel soo understood because my own mother never said that to me. she often seemed disgusted with me, "you did it wrong!!!!"
It's been "one day at a time" in recovery for me. Because mother can still hurt me today as she always did, I can still be triggered, as mother has not changed. But by working the steps, I am changing. I have a lot more compassion toward her. For me, working steps 4-9 just kinda puts me on the same playing field, I am no longer coming from the same place as her, with me now thinking, "YOU did it wrong!" Today I know that mother is a wounded human being. as am I. what was lacking in my childhood? Love. Al-anon is teaching me how to remedy that. I am learning to know Love (my higher power) and love myself - the solution!! and because of that, I feel more forgiving than I ever have. Thank God, I will never have to be a 70 year-old like my mother without a program to lean on, how fortunate!! when I go to visits, I boost myself by saying, "all I have to do is act like I'm working a 12-step program" lol
It's taking an understanding fellowship in ACA and sponsor for me to walk me through it. I admitted my powerlessness over coming from a sick alcoholic family. but I didn't want to be stuck there anymore, I have suffered enough. I had the option of finishing those 12 steps on my ACA issues. I want to rise above the darkness as best I can, and discover all the spiritual awakenings that will come to me, that is the twelfth step, the result of working these steps. I'm committed to working them as long as I live.
They told me all I ever had to do is suit up and show up. One day at a time.
Sometimes I recall stuff and I cry, especially at a meeting and I am reminded again. I let myself mourn, that seems right. I consider the tears to be cleansing. They say not to set a time table on grief, we'll be done mourning when we're done, not a moment sooner. In the meantime, I know that as an adult, I can no longer be abandoned by anyone, however I can abandon myself. But with Al-anon, that doesn't happen, I work to recover my mind, body and spirit. I've gotten very good at avoiding isolation (which btw, internet-only recovery can become) my disease loves to separate me from others to get me alone and put fear into my heart....
so I stay close to my local fellowship so that I never have to be alone, like I was as a child. Today, I get to know unconditional love by my fellow humans. I'm pretty sure, that's more than some people will ever experience in this lifetime.
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 8th of November 2012 10:50:34 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
dear all, if you like, please share with me how you deal with those emotioanl gaps in your life created by alcoholic behaviour. As we know it is not only the liquid itself, but the psychological behaviour connected to that disease. Looking back, my sight got clearer, I understand, I comprehend, I get new pieces of the puzzles that has been my life so far. That's the reason, the mind , getting better, recovering for a better future, for sure. But still, I can see and feel, sometimes more, sometimes less.... huge emotional cravings related to my upbringing, to affection disorders, traditions that I thaught were normal....which created me lots of secret suffering. and made me become a clingy person sometimes, mostly with the wrong persons of course, since there was a pattern of always choosing the same type of people, to 'help', 'support', to be strong for. I had become an enabler and a rescuer without noticing, leaving behing my own emotional needs. And I am still in need, and a wrong hope is in my heart, that this need will be made up for at some point. But ost affection is lost affection...it's in the past, and this cannot be changed. Yes, looking forward and letting go helps. and I'm getting better at that, but still, there are some holes, some parts of an inner child not been cared for. Do you know that feeling and how do you deal with it gently. I mostly feel this feeling again when I get rejected or ignored by a loved one. Not that the actual situation is so horrible or unbearable, but because it brings along the whole package of memory of hurt, of loss, of not being validated, of the void or absence of affection and trust. It makes it hard for me to take today 'easy', to not take things personal. It has been a huge handicap since always, it leaves me very vulnerable, which makes me act defensively, inappropriate and sometimes aggressively. I'm scared of the person I then become, it's not the original me, it's more of a lonely child. and i want to get rid of that huge reaction, because it all gets out of control...therefore I have to find ways to cope. Any ESH share on similar feelings, most welcome. I'm hanging in this void right now :-S
Thanks for listening, Wish you all a wonderful day.
Since I can't go back and undo the past wrongs that I suffered as a child (nor can anyone else, .. even my HP doesn't have that magic fix), I'm starting to get the concept of loving myself and being the parent to myself that I didn't have growing up.
I have expressed myself on the boards as having an angry hurt 8 - 10 year old in me that throws a hell of a temper tantrum over situations and it is scary when that side of me gets out because 8 - 10 year olds don't have all the answers. They usually behavior in terrible ways when that tantrum comes on too. I'm learning to acknowledge that side of myself in loving ways. I don't know if that makes sense or not? When I feel that side of myself start to show, I try and do a quick check on what is going on, what was the trigger, how was I feeling and then how do I address it with myself. The best example I can give is when I feel fear/aniexty about a situation who is running the show is the 8 - 10 year old or is the adult in me having any kind of say about it. I immediately tell myself hey now, .. I got this, I appreciate your input and if I need something I will let you know. You are safe, loved and it's all going to be ok. I find as I can trust the adult in me to make decisions and choices while soothing that child in me things go soooo much smoother and I am in a much happier place. Accepting that I have a voice as a child and as an adult makes a huge impact on my reactions to situations, I'm more apt to take that 5 min check in and say .. ok .. it's all ok.
It takes a lot of time to intergrate that child/adult behavior. I'm by no means there .. I have noticed those situations are presenting themselves less and less now in my current circumstances. I also get a lot of validation from working with my sponsor. She's amazing she tells me that yes, those things did happen and no you aren't crazy and that helps a lot to give myself validation as well. I'm learning how to give self validation so I don't need that from an outside source. I'm sure as I peel the layers back this child will pop up going hey hey .. what about me?! It's ok. This is just another side of myself and there are times it's sooo ok for that child to come out and play in a positive way. The kids and I laugh, giggle and get silly and that's part of healing as well. Acceptance, patience, being gentle to myself all part of self care that is needed for me to move forward in healing.
Working the steps helps a great deal and I am still working on my initial 4th and of course am stalled a bit .. lol. I know so much more healing will happen when I work all of the steps and go back in for tune up's as needed with the steps.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
'I have a voice as a child and an adult'---yes that idea i can completely understand....and I tend to forget the adult. Thanks a lot everyone for your ESH, I feel less lonely now, because I often thought something was deeply wrong with me...and in fact it is my defensive tools that are wrong. wish us all a wonderful day ahead, with ourself mainly...the rest will follow.
