The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is baffling that we continue to "love" people who hurt us so badly. I remember saying it too because at the time, I believed it was love. Today it makes much more sense to me to believe that I was love-addicted. when someone put that bug in my ear, I purchased all the books i could on love addiction to learn more about it. I remember thinking, "god!! what else is wrong with me?!!" But page after page, there I was. The blessing is, the more I learn about myself, the more healed I can become. (My favorite book was Facing Love Addiction, Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love, by Pia Mellody.)
I've also been mulling over something I heard recently, that we are never REALLY in love with someone, if we understand what love really is. If we are REALLY a loving person capable of real love, why are we so selective in who we love ? I have heard it is probably more accurate to say that we are only in love with our prejudiced and hopeful ideas of that person. It has a ring of truth for me. In recovery, I was taught to substitute the word ACCEPT for the word LOVE. Do I really accept (love) this person as they are, without wanting to change them in any way?
I happen to have a firm boundary, cheating is a deal-breaker for me. By choosing to stay with a cheater, I put myself at risk. and today, I love myself too much to risk harming myself. I also don't drive without my seat belt on, or ride a bike without my helmet.
Please keep coming back, "we" trudge this journey together. I could never do alone, what I am able to do with the support of an understanding fellowship.
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 8th of November 2012 09:30:42 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Mygf is a very bad alchalic she is in rehab now bc when we broke up se drank to a bal .45 and was taken to the hospital but I have been supporting Her thru this all when she wants help and set things in place like not being around when she drinks and sutch she had recintly told me about cheeting on me but i do know she dose drink sooo heavy she might not known what she was doing ? Idk how that all works and she lies non stop but was telling me some. Stuff that is new and asked if there was more se tells me no but I found out otherwise going thru her phone that she was drunk at a bar few months back and went home with some guys :/ I just don't know what to say bc I am mad but also know she is recovering and always wants to be with me but the moment I leave she starts to drink and stuff like this happens .i do love her and want to see her get better but it's hard when she never told me this and who knows what other stuff I don't know
Alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. I understand the problem of which you speak and would like to suggest that you check out alanon face to face meetings in your community Look in the white pages of the telephone directory for the main number.
Alanon is a fellowship of people who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism. Meeting together we break the isolation caused by the disease, develp new tools to live by and regain our self respect and self esteem
I read the quote from the Talmud~my spouse has had an affair of the heart~no physical contact but the rest of the affair was all there. Kindness....boy I am having trouble with this one. Lyne
I'm working on being that evolved for kindness and forgiveness I'm just not there yet and I'm ok with it at this point and time. It's going to take time. This is such a deal breaker for me, not so much that he cheated that he continued to cheat after telling me that he wasn't having contact with her anymore.
While I can appreciate that alcoholism is a disease of the body, mind and spirit. I brought my own part into it. Blah blah blah .. it still hurts like hell. Although .. not as much as it did January of this year. It still is unacceptable behavior and it's behavior I don't want in my circle.
What I am really trying to cope with and deal with is the whole being rejected by a reject. I don't mean to be cruel and say that all A's are rejects however if I were normal I would never have allowed things to go as far as they did with this person which is why I need alanon so badly in my life. I so need to heal and realize that I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior all in the name of keeping a relationship.
There lies the crux .. what do you want, are you willing to forgive and that's a big piece of the puzzle and where does the emotional payoff outweigh the emotional pain.
Keep coming back, it so gets better and I know without the support of the wonderful people here as well as in the rooms of the face to face meetings I attend I wouldn't have arrived at my own answers.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Tony...welcome to the board and Al-Anon. We have worn the same shoes and walked the same sidewalks and then I found the program of Al-Anon and learned what some of the others who have responded have learned themselves. For my own health and self affirmation yes it was a deal breaker. I just will not commit today with someone who won't commit to the same level and I won't live with the uncertainty and confusion and anxiety of lies.
I, like Glad Lee, came to learn and understand the character of being loving unconditionally with saving the privileges of a committed relationship to only one person who would do the same. Unfortunately Alcoholics and Addicts have set aside the qualities of a honest value system for the chemicals and those who make the chemicals most important in their lives.
You're here now with family that really understands and loves you unconditionally. We will continue to do that as you learn how to love yourself. You have been given the suggestion of Al-Anon face to face meetings...You will find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book. Go call it now and find out where and when we meet in your area. Keep coming back here also. Men need Al-Anon also. ((((hugs))))
