The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband summoned me downstairs to watch the President's acceptance speech, when he heard me get up to go to the bathroom. Of course, he had been drinking (like every night). Of course I have no idea how much he had been drinking, but of course he was displaying all his classic signs of being drunk. Of course, at one point he started getting obnoxious, and I walked away to go upstairs after he called me abusive. Of course, he followed me like always, smug in how "calm" he was being, telling me he was afraid for his safety and that he might just call the police. Of course I tried to ignore and detach, and of course that escalated everything, culminating in him calling me a b**** and telling to pack my things and get out. Same old story. I told him, again, that I would not live with this drinking forever, and that eventually, although I don't know WHEN I will reach my breaking point, I will reach my breaking point. I think this was the third time I have said this in 2 years. My delivery has changed, though. The first time I said, I was hysterical with sadness. This time, I'm just numb and tired of it all.
Then ten minutes later our son woke up, and he needed to be changed (diaper and new pajamas, and new bedding). I asked my AH to help. He came up, continuing with his cruel comments (in front of our mostly sleeping son), of course. Same old story.
After our son was tucked back into bed, my AH started getting nasty again, just like always. And then...he started to cry. He said he loves our son, he loves my daughters, and he loves me. He started in with his usual excuses (he works second shift, he works a job he hates, he hates being away from our hometown, he hates not being able to pursue his trade, etc.). Then he said "I'm not my dad" (his dad is not an A, but he was terribly abusive--physically and emotionally--toward my AH, his sister, and my mother-in-law). But the crying was new. I'm done trying to figure out why he does and says certain things, because to be honest, at the end of the day the bottom line is always "he does and says those things because he is very sick." But the crying, and the "I'm not my dad" comment threw me for a loop. I try VERY hard to avoid "low blows" when we fight, and while I'm not always successful, thus far I HAVE managed to say something like "you've turned into your dad." I didn't know how to handle the situation. So I just hugged him and told him I know he works very hard, and I know that he hates his job. After a couple of minutes, he went downstairs, returning to the TV and his beer.
I don't know. So much of me is just done with this, hanging in there until I am in a financial position to leave. I find it harder and harder to imagine EVER being able to move past all the emotional abuse. Sometimes when this happens, it is effective for me to just walk away. Other times, like tonight (and other, much worse nights), he follows me through the house, refusing to leave me alone. I guess I'm just struggling with how to detach from this new type of outburst from him. And I kind of feel like a rotten human being for not really caring all that much when he started to cry. I just feel like my emotional well has run dry.
It sounds like you need to take care of you first and replenish your emotional well. You have had soooo much come down on you all at the same time. The judgement, loss of job and dealing with the insanity of living with an alcoholic. It's no wonder you are numb, I know I have reached this point of just being completely tapped out emotionally and have nothing left to give to the A in my life. I just assume that everything is a manipulation and maybe it is and maybe it's not .. I'm just not even invested, even as his friend. For me .. that is just where I need to be right now, .. it will pass, it comes with a lot of time and distance in my case.
Please be gentle with yourself and if you can treat yourself to something that is just for you to feel good about yourself I hope you will. Taking 30 min to pray, sit in the quiet, find a recovery friend to talk to. I hope you will, .. you are worth it. Getting to face to face meetings reminds me that I need to take an hour for myself to keep moving forward in healing.
Sending lots of love and support, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks so much Pushka. You know, I didn't spend a lot of time wondering if his tears were sincere, or manipulative. Mostly I just looked at him and felt very sad for him that the disease has done this to him. Amazingly, though, I didn't really feel any responsibility to try to fix it, or to make him feel better, or any of that. I just felt sad for him, and that was that. And you are so right; I am totally spent from everything that has been going on.
If someone abuses me and then starts to cry, it doesn't make the abuse hurt any less. It doesn't make the abuse more acceptable. That is how a standard abuser acts. They get violent and then they start crying and aim for pity. Making jokes about you feeling safe is disturbing.
If you swoop in and try an "fix" it, that is not much different than validating it. It's a slippery slope to becoming a battered wife who says "He just hits me cuz his job is stressful, and he hates where we live...etc" Right now it's emotional battering going on. Either way, it's violent and unacceptable. I understand about loving someone like that and wanting to find an answer so badly to why they act so horrible and why they are so broken. It would seem he is giving you some precious gift of his vulnerability. In reality, it's all part of an abuser's ploy.
It's sad that when men are underdeveloped and immature, they try and compensate by being hypermasculine and often wind up going towards abusive. He sounds like a whiny baby who has a temper tantrum and then wants cuddling and soothing from you. In other words, a giant victim who periodically turns perpetrator cuz it hurts less.
When I was stuck in the middle of my own active addiction and in the relationship with my Ex-A, I felt that I had no choices. Once the ball got rolling, the changes were sweeping though. You have choices and so does he. Embracing misery furthered my own disease and it emcompassed the entire relationship as well.
You are on your way though Steph...We are here for you.
P.S. - You know I'm analytical and quick to dissect and diagnose a situation. In the end, what I most want to get across is that I care for your safety and your happiness and I wish you peace, serenity, and to turn to your higher power and know that there is hope and this too shall pass.
I am sorry that you are have someone emotionally abusing you. That is tough, I hope you can find some healthy outlets to refill your tank. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
On the nights when he's following you and it's escalating, is there any way at all that you can leave?
I know that you have the baby, and then your 2 girls? So 3 children, plus if you have animals.
I know that this complicates you being able to leave. For me this was what helped the most, but it was just me and the dog and I knew I had a safe place to go.
The tears, he's sick, and while it's sad, there is nothing you can do at that moment. For me, the tears are sad. But there is no change, so I have to take all the words and tears at face value. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I'm sending you hugs, and prayers.
Last night in our meeting it came up about praying for that person in a positive way, it was from something out of the Big Book, apparently this can help change a situation. I have no idea the pages or the reading but the concept I can totally see how it might work.
My husband got to that point with me. And Mark and others were right about it: It's all just an act - all just a sick ploy. Me - the alcoholic in the relationship - following him around whining, yelling, crying, opening up with big things that were suppose to "startle" him into thinking I was really digging deep, really wanting to figure something out to change... yeah - it's very sick and I can not BELIEVE the level I stooped to, the things I said and did - it's like it wasn't even me. Well, it was : ( And now I get to admit that and hopefully help you see that ACTUALLY - the truth was, I just wanted to pull out any old thing I could think of to get him off my back for the night so I could resume my position in trying to fill the void in my soul... back to the drink.
So here's the kicker - and I don't know if I'm totally out of place here, so if I am, I hope someone will let me know or just delete this post - but the thing is - what you're doing, and how you're feeling is exactly how my husband did it - and described his feelings about it later to me. He was just numb to it - pretty soon, he was so burnt out, and so done, that he had no emotions left no matter what I did. That is a scary place for an alcoholic. I didn't like that, I had to really really pull out all the stops. Soon my behavior was unbelievable even to me! Nothing would affect him anymore, I was losing my grasp and control over things, I knew it, and I didn't like it. This could be a dangerous place for you. I could see myself doing things I had never done, and if I were a man, hmmmm... I could go beyond what was legal I'm sure. I've never tried hitting anyone, but this disease will use your body to survive - and it will do anything to live - imagine a dog with rabies. So who knows how far I could have gone... it's scary to think of even for me.
My bottom came when my husband told me I would lose my kids and house if I didn't go to AA and go every day. And I knew at this point - from how disconnected he was already (like you describe) that he was serious. Between that, and Mark here explaining to me repeatedly that it was only a matter of time before other consequences were on their way - I realized this was a disease and I had to do whatever it would take to get better. Just like if I had cancer and was told to go to chemo every day - I needed to treat my disease that seriously. Also - I was miserable inside, and I wanted my children to have a real mom again. Mark told me to imagine them at my funeral and things like that, and I did that. It got me outta the fog just long enough to start to work the program, the steps, walk the path of recovery and eventually now, I'm here, looking at it from the other side : ( Not a pretty picture, but because I love my husband so much - because he went through so much, and ultimately saved my life in handing me my bottom - as scared as he was to do it - his bravery saved my life. His not putting up with my bullxxxx lies and excuses - not a one - was what opened my eyes just enough to give it a real shot and let the program help.
I know that false hope can be a bad thing. I'm not trying to tell you what to do or that your situation will work out how you hope. But... OUR experience is so close to yours it sounds. I've only been on the board a couple times, and this is probably the 5th thread I've read - so I don't know if I'm out of line in saying what I am, or if all the stories are going to sound like this... but I just want you to know that, today - we are happy, loving as we accept each other the way we are today - we remember we are a team, we keep trying - we do our best - we both do it - and we both mess it up, but we have a relationship now that neither of us has ever known, not even on our wedding day. We BOTH have trust again - and we chose it even when we're scared. We love, even when we want to be mad. We care for ourselves, and in turn care for each other just by caring for ourselves as best we can. It's a whole new life - and I will pray for you Stephanie. I don't know where or how your husband will find his bottom, but I do know that no excuse is valid, and no experience is so bad that it means we have to drink ourselves stupid every day. There is another option, we just have a disease that tells us their isn't. I walked in on a headless suicide victim. I played that card for years, but actually - I was just drinking because I am an alcoholic. Not saying it wasn't traumatic and that it was an easy thing to cope with now that I finally CAN with a healthier brain - just that - NOTHING warrants drinking the way we do. There is no excuse or reason big or small other than that we have a disease.
It's hard to look at the people you love and say "hey, ummm... you know all that really serious bad stuff that I told you I was drinking because of... ummmm... yeah... that was all just bull shit". It was hard enough for me to get that through my brain, let alone admit it to the people I lied to!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.S. Again - I'm sorry if this is not my place to speak about - and I do hope the moderators will delete or snip as they see fit.... Tasha
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 7th of November 2012 08:00:44 PM
((((Steph)))) I don't know your situation from inside your house however from my past professional experience (a therapist) you can make a 911 call and get him removed...you can file a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) against him, you can tell him you cannot fix him and he can be fixed and he's got to go do that himself, You can stop patronizing him and let him smack "his bottom" by doing something different - "for you".
I heard a home group definition of an enabler when I first arrived in Al-Anon. They told me that the enabler is a person who says, "I'm sorry" when someone else steps on their toes". Dang that was soooo helpful for me.
That part of the serenity prayer; "...the courage to change the things I can", is a biggie because that talks about me changing me. It seems to me that your spouse has some deep emotional and mental problems and you're the cause of it, you cannot control them, and you won't cure them. What does Stephaniej need?
Oh, make no mistake...in no way did his crying make me feel his behavior was OK. Not even a little. And he wasn't making comments about MY safety...he was saying HE didn't feel safe around ME. *snort* When he says stuff like that, it is so much easier for me to imagine the flashing INSANE sign on his forehead, because honestly. HE isn't safe around ME? Puh-leeze.
Tasha, I ALWAYS appreciate ESH! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I have no idea what the future holds. My husband's path is his to follow. I have made my feelings very clear, several times. I am not going to disrupt my serenity by continuing to repeat myself to him over and over again. There are times when he does or says something that, for other people, has been a sign of a step toward recovery. There are times when he is so adamant that he is not an alcoholic, and he is so convinced that his behavior is OK because he "works hard" and I don't "respect him." For over a year, I imagined getting a real, permanent job and being able to support myself and my kids again ALONE, and then offering him one final choice like your husband did with you. Enough has happened, and enough time has gone by, and now I don't think I even want to do that. Now I feel like when I can, I will just leave. But I also know...we don't know what the future holds, and I'm trying to just focus on the present. I'm sure that on some level my husband is aware that if I leave, I will almost surely get sole custody of our son. But I have serious doubts that he has accepted that prospect. He is so far in denial, he honestly thinks HE would get sole custody of our son. Or that's what he tells himself. Either way, I'm just so tired of it all. It makes me sad for him, because he is somebody I care about and love, and I know the kind of person he was before he relapsed. But the sadness is far more detached than it used to be. I am sad for him, and I wish him health and recovery, but I am no longer trying to do it for him. I no longer think I can have any impact on his path.
It is still my opinion that he will probably not seek recovery unless/until he gets another DUI (which would be his fourth). But you know, that's not my business anymore. It never was. I am trying so hard to focus on my recovery. In some ways, getting laid off was a gift, because there is so much for me to focus on in my own life right now that it is actually a lot harder for me to obsess about him.
aH - yeah, I get it - the program in action :) My husband was trying to stay involved and control me, and he just so happen to succeed. I know that is not the norm : ( And I know that's probably not what Alanon teaches you to live a spiritual life for YOU. Sounds like you get it more than I do, so thanks for the shares, I've learned a lot.
Oh Tasha, I am so happy for you that you were able to find recovery and rebuild your marriage. Part of me still has hope that will happen for me, but I no longer hang all my happiness on a misguided expectation that I can simply reason with my husband and make him see things my way. Above all, I absolutely respect that everyone's situation is different. I appreciate very much that you shared your experience with the group, because I ALWAYS learn from people here. ((HUGS))
Just jumping in here late, Steph! Love to you girl, you've gotten so much good sharing here! On days like today(if you read my post from this AM, LOL) I fall right back to our slogans and acronyms of Al Anon. I remind myself of one day at a time, progress not perfection, and I turn it all over to my HP. Does it always work? No, but it's the habit that keeps me sane. And, serenity and sanity for US should be one of our goals, too.
