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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Nothing has changed but everything has changed.
Post Info TOPIC: Nothing has changed but everything has changed.
Debilyn


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Nothing has changed but everything has changed.
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I shared that I was in a relationship that has been going over ten years. We have never met face to face. Just everyway else to communicate.

Best friends, confidants, all very moral and great. It started feeling different. Growing like I suppose we all wish would happen in our lives. But still is fine just how it is, no goals or plans ok?

Sadly now, he has been told by a very reliable source things that have made him know he has to get a divorce. Also he is going to hear more from someone else. I don't want to reveal too much. It is family members who have held it in.

He has worked hard to hang in and do his best. It is no longer possible. It has zero to do with me, as he has been working on things a long time, and hoped he could make things work. I was right there supporting that.

Anyway I am fine.It will be what it is. I mean its like someone is your best friend, then it feels  like I never want to be without him in my life. I was thinking like it is. But its maturing into something very special. We are completely honest and open.

We know we need to meet f2f. Know we need to date and do stuff. I would love to move there and have my own place.

Of course he is very hurt, putting things in order as best he can. This is a very strong man, has many people working under him. I love to hear about his career how he handles things, lotsa men and testosterone you know? We chat all day long off and on. We talk on the phone for hours sometimes. I don't wait for his calls, or run to the computer. Its so comfortable, natural.

I am sharing because many of you know how very lonely I have been, but he has been my rock. lately so much more. Many of you have gotten me thru so much with wise ideas, experiences things I did not think of because I have never been thru this before.

Do you believe I can stop my fear of if he is with me, will he die? Can I learn not to be afraid when he goes that will be the last time i see him? (I have lost two great loves, one to death, one to his mind is dead from brain surgery) I know to put it in HP's hands but i am imperfect, damaged from so dang much loss. To say he is part of me is huge, he made it past my wall.

Yes we are very religiously connected as far as our beliefs. He is free to remarry someday. If we get there.

I like him so much. Of course I love him. If we met, I would not be surprised that we would be in love for all the right reasons.

Am I making sense? No he is not A, has his head together, I know things no one else does. He is a rarity, a mature wonderful man.

All I can do is be the best I can be physically. I shared I am mutating into someone I don't recognize. lol. You can say if someone loves you they won't care. I believe we do have to be attracted to each other. Men do look at women and want to see something they desire. After him talking all these years, I think he would like me. But I am no twig. Don't want to be. I am working on my health.

ok thank you for listening done. lol dare i say I have hope?

love, need your thoughts, debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Mattie


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Although you have been free and ready to be open to a new person for a long time, it seems that he has not, and so he will take some time to get used to the way his life is now.  The wisest words my therapist ever told me about relationships was "Take it slow."  That was hard for me to hear, because when things felt right, I wanted to dash right in and feel settled.  (And when things didn't feel right, I wanted to dash ahead and ignore the feelings.)  It's hard not knowing the future.  But being able to stay in the moment is a wonderful tool.  Hope you'll keep taking good care of yourself.



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Debilyn


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thank you Mattie. I sure agree. I don't feel like rushing at all. I feel  it will grow into whatever it is. Its been over ten years and want it right.

I need that reminder!

Ok my thought is I want to have it settled then be together. Does that make sense? IF it comes to that. I only want him happy. I am happy now so you are right.

love,deb



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Sweet Stanley


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What a wonderful share Debilyn!!  I'm so happy for you.  To have someone in your life to talk to and be totally honest with is SO huge. If you get something more, how wonderful is that!?!

It sounds like you are growing and recovering!! They say time is healing.... put it with the Alanon program and look at you! smile



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Sweet Stanley
DavidG


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I hope things work out well for you, Debilyn.aww

You deserve it! smile   -DavidG.



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Each Alanon member is my teacher.                                                                                                                  
Debilyn


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thank you for your words.

I did my got scared thing again. We chatted for hours. He was so patient, said  I pissed him off once, lol I said we can choose how we feel, he said "bite me." lollol

Have never in all these years seen a red flag.

Because of Al Anon, all my tools work for everyone.

Now I have to work on me. He does say I push him away. Shared with you all it took almost two years for my last a husband.

Sooo when the divorce is final, my choice, he is going to fly me to where he lives. We can finally meet face to face and see how it feels. Take our time. I cannot imagine it not being just fine and fun.

Since there are armadillo's there...he knows i want to have an armadillo rescue! Can you imagine me running up to him with some big beautiful snake asking hey what kind is this, ummm stay still its a copperhead. lol lol

Most people run away from things, I run to them. LIke the bat I had in my shirt. that was dumb.

Its funny how well our skills we share with each other has helped me so much with this, and other relationships. I am protesting now this socalled sustainability college who is planning to kill and eat two oxen who one got hurt when pulling something. they made these two into pets, very loving pets, now plan to kill them.

It has gone global big time. I am talking Australia, Italy and more. There is lots more involved but my point is, I use our skills talking to these brat young students so they will listen.

day at a time, but if you guys really knew me, for me to seriously be thinking of moving from Oregon to Louisiana...yikes. I will have a pool. Now will the alligators and snakes stay out of it?

You guys, I really like him,I mean really. He must like me cuz he does know everything.

Sweet, you know I had never thought about that really, you are right. I do tell him every good bad and ugly. He does me too. I know he does as he has to trust me with what he has shared. I am so blessed. Plus he is as handsome as heck and has a great career, and sexy!

NOT till we are married someday. THAT ought to be interesting.

david thank you for saying that. I feel so humbled!

I like that mattie to stay in the moment. He has been ready to be loved for a very long time. Being an A she has made things very rough. But again I feel sad for her too. Of course I do.

He has not been without me for so many years, it just feels natural to be where we are.

so now I have some goals to meet before I will allow him to see me.eh hmmmm been eating too much ice cream....and gotta settle this phyllis dillar curly hair somehow. so gotta get back on health. learn to not be afraid of something good cuz i have learned I lose all good things. so maybe some counseling.

and research more about armadillo's!! Their noses are snouts!!! hugs, debilyn

 



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
GailMichelle


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Hi Debilyn,

He sounds like such a wonderful man.  I hope he is everything you believe he is and more.

What concerned me about your first post is this:  you say he is "your rock."

I know of someone in my life right now, whose "rock" passed on.  He is now learning how to be his own rock.

My experience has taught me that when I'm my own rock, my love and actions come from a selfless place.  Thus, my relationships are better.

I'm not saying we don't need people, not at all.  But it's best to be our own rock, or some would say, their HP is their rock.

In addition, I would not want to be someone's rock because that is too much responsibility.  I become resentful, at times, when others depend on me too much.

Take what you like and leave the rest, dear lady  smile



__________________

You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
Debilyn


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Oh I see GailMichelle. As usual i mean it totally differently. mysquarepegness!

I mean he is a rock of a man all these years. Is responsible, a gentleman, Well lets put it this way, he is not A, a very neat normal guy. I could finally let go and not have to feel I had to do every darn thing. Would not think once if he paid the bill or went to the store to get something we needed. I have never known that.

We have shared our deepest fears, secrets. He runs multi million dollar mills and plants. Companies need a project done, they call him, he is an engineer, he tells them the budget he needs to do it and how much time it will take. they give him the money. He has several crews of several men and a couple women that work for him.

So he is reliable, means what he says, is so nice to me as somehow he knows I have this lady thing where I don't like to hear crass words. So he never said fart. lol

Then, I am a vegie, I was talking about what i can cook for him. My sweet and sour pork is soooo yummy. It shocked him as he said he never mentions pork cuz he knows i love pigs. So he knows me too. We didn't just talk on the surface for 11 years. Been thru it ALL with each other. well not uno stuff.

I guess it boils down to he is who he is, does not change, makes a decision and sticks to it. We discuss decisions, he is not controlling at all. Makes it clear how he feels. Ready to fly me there. I am not used to a real confidant man.

plus he won't just throw up his hands at me when he feels me backing off or pushing him away. Asks me in big letters to please not go away.

I won't believe all this for sure, let go for sure till after Monday. He told his wife this week end. I say he makes a decision and sticks to it. This one is the most important. After we talk I wll not just say it, but believe it.

Just fed all the dairy I am NOT suppose to eat to the dogs a Dickens piggy. lol gotta get my health and energy back.

I do appreciate your clarifying or making me clarify. I have not been woman who depends on anyone for a long time. Be nice to relax some. what is that like??? What is it like to really not be concerned over money? Be able to donate money to who I do now? I have my income too. tiny. but want to get him a comfy recliner and a double one too.

Think of all we go with out when we are with an A. He is starving! How can he not like me? haha

hugs! deb



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
GailMichelle


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Deb,

Sorry I misconstrued your post. He does sounds like a very nice man! I hope you will know someday how it feels to be able to not concern yourself with money and be able to donate to whom ever you wish! I hope all your other dreams come true as well :)

__________________

You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
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