Still confused after a year - Al-Anon Family Group

HAguirre · Member

Still confused after a year

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, have you worked on really believing he has a disease? He did not do things to you the disease did. What about have you said to him may I tell you what I need? They are real bad at thinking of others. In fact they need to practice it to do it. Part of being A. They do not think like a non A.

In a true recovery they work on things to be more thoughtful of others for one thing. It sounds like he is working on his program.

I know I would sit with him and say you know how things were when it was bad? May I ask something from you? I would be honest and tell him you need help getting over the pain of those things. Maybe tell him specifically what you need. I need to hear you care and you are sorry what happened. I feel very hurt still could you do.... to help me?

Being an A he may need you to be real specific. That is my experience. I have been in a relationship a very long time. Not A but a man....I finally just started blurting things out. Sensitive things. I am modest and actually shy, and hmm not sure how to explain, I don't like to hear certain words, oh I don't like crass stuff.

Anyway not long ago I just started to say it, just put it out there. Ya know what, it did not hurt at all! We are even closer things are better, growing. So maybe we need to ask first, is it ok for me to just tell you how I feel? Can we just think about me for a bit here?

I hope this helps. It is all experience, NOT telling you what to do. hugs,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((H)))) That sounds like a really good living definition of resentments with anger, judgementalism and blame folded in. One consequence of not letting it go is confusion...You are not getting what you want so badly...because you're not letting go of what you want to so badly. Confusion!!

Been there and done that myself and thanks to my HP found a great sponsor to help me out of that muck.

The reverse or opposite of feeling resentments is feeling forgiveness...unconditional forgiveness...not the type that says I will forgive you if only when you will admit to all I am resentful about and apologize in the way which will satisfy my fear and anxiety. Yeppers I had to find the way to forgive my alcoholic/addict wife unconditionally and employ compassion for the condition she was stuck in...the disease...which was so much the reason why she acted out the way she acted out. I had to learn how to be specifically and forgiving person and not only of my alcoholic and also to everyone else in my life. Forgiveness became and attitude and characteristic...not the "Aw I'll just over look this" kind of forgiveness...that is crazy. The forgiveness that allows her to be responsible for the choices and her mistakes without beating her over the head with them or carrying they around with me in a tote bag to constantly remind her and me that I was hurt, hurt, hurt. I learned to let go of hurts and there came a time when she did a 9th step with me which made me want to just fall over and laugh out loud when I compared it to all of the resentments I use to hold against her; and then I use to hold resentments up to her that she never had a part in at the beginning. People I love are naturally easy targets for my judgements and blames because they are always available. They love me and allow me at times to be the villian and then they keep coming back treating me like it never really affected them. I could be real sucky back then and in the end I accepted her apologies to me and moved further on. I hadn't expected it in the first place so not holding them up to expectations works.

If you are waiting for him to do something before you get well yourself that isn't a good plan. Get into the literature on resentments and forgiveness and mercy and grace and acceptance (always acceptance) and sit with your sponsor and listen for the guidance and ESH. You might want to even chair a meeting on the subject and let the room heal you.

I won't tell you how long it took me to really start "working" the program but at one year in Al-Anon I'm sure that there were more than a few members who were ready to ask me if I wanted Cheese with my Whine. I took my time and it was a long time in taking. Thanks for the share. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not obligated to be "in love' with someone still just cuz they got sober. Being alone is not a horrid and bad thing. Being okay with that is something to focus on. I don't think feeling alone is something you need to fix. Feeling that you can't stand being with yourself (just you) is what I needed to focus on rather than how to mend my broken relationships and breathe life back into them after they were going badly.

After I became healthy and not scared of being alone so much, I was able to have healthier relationships. It sounds like he did some work to not need alcohol but you have some work to do on not needing him so much. That doesn't mean to end things, but it does mean learning to be okay with yourself apart from him. It is much better to not have all your happiness invested in someone else and to be able to choose and want them rather than need them. Apologies and acknowledgement might help, but they are not going to fix you or make things right. Focusing on you and taking some scary steps towards independence, self-care, and self-love will.

Edit: Of course I neglected to say that all this comes from a very spiritual place and the 12 steps. You can heal with help from peers in alanon and your higher power. Continuing to look at your significant other for the fix is part of the problem.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 7th of November 2012 09:41:24 AM

Zimmy · Senior Member

Hi, I just wanted to post a reply, your post hit me as I react to my abf in the same way, and it was only last week that I realised that I shut down emotionally, I will not talk my lips purse and my abf will ask "whats up?" my reply always is nothing...but inside i am in such a rage and cannot even start to say what the problem is. I now realise I am so passive-aggressive.

I have always reacted this way to people that are close to me, for me I think this started in childhood, my Mother had a foul temper so when she would shout and scream I would shut down. I never reacted but all the anger and resentment settled in me, my whole family acted in this way towards me, (most probably because they would be so frustrated that they never got a response from me, I must have been so frustrating!!).

So I know I have deep deep and old so old resentments all wrapped up and squashed down. I know that I have to do my 4th step and maybe need some therepy to get out of this unhealthy way of being.

I wish you well and thanks for posting.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs HA,

Do you have a sponsor? Part of working my program is to make sure that I'm actively working on the steps as well as getting feedback from another person as well as here on MIP. It makes a big difference in terms of trying to figure out what is going on and what is happening to me.

Hugs P :)

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
I know exactly what you are feeling. I was there for a long time. Finally the advice about forgiveness sunk in. I never got an acknowledgement or an I'm sorry from him. Without that, how do I know he even knows that what he did was wrong? (His co-workers told me he was having an affair with another co-worker when they were in motels for work.) I asked him if it was true and he got all mad and defensive. Never really answered me. So I was stuck with REALLY MAD. But not really knowing what went on.

But over all of this is the fact that he is sober..... but only "nice" when he goes to lots of meetings. I have no power over him or how often he goes to meetings. But I do have power over how I let it all affect me. I learned and I believe he is also a child of our HP. He has to make things right with his HP the same as I do. I work hard to live my own life and let him live his.

I can live and let live and I can let go and let God.

You can learn to live "with" him and "around" him.... or you can decide you don't want to. Give yourself time to make the choice that is best for you. You are not obligated to be in love with him. Walls will come down naturally when you feel better about yourself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.