What about moving on and new relationships???? - Al-Anon Family Group

katfshh · Senior Member

What about moving on and new relationships????

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thanks for sharing katfshh,

I agree that it is hard to meet people for a relationship. I am also at a stage where I am ready for a relationship and to share my life with someone. To give to them, to be there for them, to share with them. But I am 28.

Bar culture and drinking is just so embedded in our society as a means of socialization that most of us think of hooking up and meeting people, our minds automatically think of bars. On TV, people are always meeting and getting together at bars. Two and a half men, how I met your mother, all shows that reinforce positive outcomes by strangers getting together at bars. What they don't show is how it sometimes really turns out.

Patience is something that us Al-Anon's have a hard time grasping. For me, I've always felt like my years living with my alcoholic father were 'wasted' years. Years of low self-esteem, self-worth and the resulting missed opportunities. Many times, there were chances to interact with some pretty girls, but I had bigger fish to fry (moving out, getting a better job, and just overall getting my sanity back) Now that I feel I am on stable ground and there aren't any opportunities, I am getting impatient that I now have to wait !

because of this, I try and force solutions, when instead, I should just let go and let god work out his plan for me. That's to say, let it happen naturally when the time is right instead of trying to convince myself there is some sort of chemistry with a girl, when there isn't. When I try to force solutions it ends up blowing up in my face. I move to quickly and scare them off, or I set unrealistic expectations and attempt to control the situation so those expectations are met. It hasn't worked and wont.

one thing I've learned in Al-Anon is that all I can do is take life one day at a time and do first things first.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It isn't easy being alone, but it is more difficult being in a relationship. I took a year talking to a couple guys Online and phone for several months and screened out any A s and had a couple dates with a few different men. I found myself quickly in a relationship with a very nice guy. I still spiral and have a hard time feeling balanced, but I read and work my program to the best of my ability. When I was single for that year waiting for my divorce to be finalized,I was finding myself and was getting comfy in my skin. I was working the 12 steps and getting into healthy hobbies, it was a very important time for me and at times I wish I had spent more time alone and diving into my program, but I am learning as I go. Sending you love and support!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Katfshh)))) I'm hanging around to read the responses. I like and relate to the one that will suggest taking time of from the "we" thing and work on the "me" thing...Why? because I learned in the program that not all of my problems could be connected to my alcoholic/addict. I had the problems before I met her and my problems were progressing while with her and after she was "detached" from.

I have a friend in the other program who introduces herself with "Hi my name is _______ and my only problem is me and my only solution is God". First time I heard that it smacked me right in the gut. Plain and simple I related. One of the things I came to realize was that I projected myself, sick or sane, into each and every relationship I ever am in including the one I had with myself. I had to learn how to take care of that "with me" relationship first and then the ones that were coming with others. I move on with the sane, serene and spiritually balanced new me.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand "Let go and let God" as referring to our attitude toward our A's. Like we have to let them go and let God get at them. I haven't understood it to refer to things that we do have control over. I mean, if a bill is due, you don't let go and let God pay it, you write the check and send it! It's when we no longer have control that we need to let go of all the attempts to control something. So in the dating realm, I think getting out there and meeting new people is entirely within our control. We can't make the right person come along, but we can make our lives so that we meet many possible people. And we certainly want to be using our good judgment when we meet them, not just letting go of the result and taking whoever expresses a smidgin of interest. So I think the saying "God helps those who help themselves" also applies.

My life has generally been one of trying to control things I can't (like my A's drinking), and stepping back and not taking ownership of things I can (like being sociable and choosing the right people). I'm aiming to switch those things around!

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

It was difficult but very very very helpful for me to realize that I was sick too, as Jerry says, I had a "me" problem. I am powerless over my own disease, my inability to be unconditionally happy. In the past, it was pure deflection on my part when I blamed all my problems on my alcoholic which makes our slogan "BLAME without ME is just BLA BLA BLA" so perfect. if I were so "okay" and healthy, I would not have become so dependent on him having to get well, my happiness was completely dependent on what he did or did not do... that is sick.

After my divorce, I was in such grief that I had no interest in dating. When I believed I was ready, my sponsor told me to wait another year and my jaw dropped. Clearly, she could still see fear and insecurities popping up, I was beginning to "need" a man to somehow validate me and make me feel okay about myself, I was ready to fall into my old defect of making another human being my higher power again, just like I did in my marriage. that idea has to be smashed in me, it is fearful thinking (opposite of faith) that I am somehow lacking, that I am not enough on my own. the hardest thing to do in recovery is to wait, lol. after all, we are the fixers, we lack patience sitting in discomfort, we want to feel better and we want it NOW. so we try to force solutions. but the last thing I wanted was to bring Me into another relationship....

So I did what she told me to do, spent time with myself, "have a love affair with yourself" is how Melody Beattie describes it, and just throw myself into my program to recover my mind, body and spirit. If I don't like being alone with myself, how can I expect anyone else to like it? lol. I was told to make a list of things I enjoyed doing on my own, things that bring me true joy and then to do them. at about the same time, the program principle of humility kept coming up because HP knew I needed that!! so I came to understand the definition of humility. and I tried to take on the attitude, "oh, so this is the way it has to be, eh? okay, have Your way then."

I began to truly enjoy my life and nothing outside of me was changing, I was. I could finally say, I like myself and my life just as it is. it didn't matter that I was alone because I no longer felt I was alone. I learned that when I'm feeling lonely... because it is possible to feel lonely in a relationship too.... I am probably just lonely for myself, I need to "be" with Me more. when I saw a couple holding hands, I stopped falling into self-pity, feeling sorry for myself, instead, I said to the universe, "Some day, I will be open to that." I was in acceptance of things as they were. and it felt awesome.

Later, I ended up attracting love, I am currently dating an exquisite human being. it came well after I discovered I already had everything I would ever need, it was not outside of me, it was in Me, like that line in wizard of oz, "it was right there with you all along."

It's okay to want to share the journey with someone, life is beautiful. and I am grateful to be sharing it with someone who sees it too, we keep it simple and life is sooo rich. I am grateful for al-anon teaching me that I never want to saddle anyone with the responsibility for making me happy ever again. only a Power greater than human aid can actually relieve me of my true desire for love, it must come from the source itself.

-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 7th of November 2012 07:48:28 PM

Overcome · Senior Member

All good responses so far katfshh! As Jerry F said, "I'm hanging around to read the responses." But for me, single at 50, and 4 marriages that have involved alcoholism in some form or another; I think waiting is definitely the option I'm going to pick. (before getting married again, anyway! lol) Here's the reason: I got married the first time at 19 with no clue what the disease of alcoholism could do to a person, because I had not been raised in it (not that that keeps those that have from marrying into it mind you!) I got out after 4 and a half years thinking... "now things will get better" and I immediatedly started dating my 2nd alcoholic husband, and married 22 months later. That marriage didn't even last a year and a half, before the alcoholic was calling ME crazy! And divorced me! LOL It was at this point that I decided to "take a look at me" and started attending a 12-Step group. It was "Progress not Perfection" though, as I met (and eventually married) an ACOA (the 12-step program that I actually started out in with him, even though I am not the adult child of an alcoholic... see my caretaking role taking shape? lol). It took me a year to realize that I WAS NOT an ACOA (although I learned a lot of good stuff from them) and joined Al-Anon, so he and I would not be co-miserating in the same 12-step group.

The third marriage to the ACOA taught me the most about Alcoholism as a family disease, and how it affects the whole family... for generations. The alcoholic in this marriage was my father-in-law, that I learned 5 years into the marriage, on the birth of our first (and only) child, had sexually abused his son (my husband) for the entirety of his childhood. Wow! what a blow! My husband's mental breakdown, and eventual admittance to his own child porn addiction ended this marriage. It also left him unable to see our daughter accept under supervised conditions until she turns 18. I have three more years to go. I thought I'd wait a year before dating again, since I hadn't the first three times. So I waited a year and a half before I started dating who became my fourth alcoholic husband. (Are you starting to see a pattern here? lol)

The fourth husband was a "dry drunk" during the marriage, although when I first started dating him he was active. He made a decision to quit drinking based on his health... told he would die if he didn't quit. Now I know this doesn't phase some alcoholics, but it did him, he quit. Unfortunately he quit without the benefit of a program, which is NOT a fun thing for either party! lol After 3 years of marriage to a dry drunk, I'd had enough! So marriage #4 ended. Finally I went to a "Divorce Recovery" group and was told that for every 4 years of marraige I should give myself a year of recovery, which meant that I should have given myself 3 years of recovery for the 12 year marriage to the ACOA, instead of only one. Now I don't know that these statistics work for every failed relationship (and they did say to apply this formula to any failed long term relationship), but I know for me I had compounded my problem and multiplied it by 4! So this go round (3 years after fourth divorce) I'm giving me time to get to know me, and "grow" me into the person that I want me to be.

I still am not perfect, nor will I ever be... husband #4 and I are giving it another go (so I guess you could say that I haven't exactly refrained either? lol) but we are taking it SLOW this go round and living in seperate residences, and giving each other room to grow in our own programs. We stayed divorced for a year and a half (yes I chose to have a relationship during THAT time too!) before reuniting. So I guess I can't say that I ever really have tested the stay single for one year for each 4 you've been in the relationship, either! It sounded good on paper though! lol Husband #4 and I have been reunited for a year and nine months now, and so far so good. As for him, his program is church, not AA... yet he does get visited by quite a few AA buddies! lol Anyway, I'm Letting Go and Letting God handle him these days, and working on me. That's the best I can do, Just for Today.

Overcome

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Kat,

Right now I can't imagine even beginning to date and I am sure I will want to at some point just not right now. I need what everyone has shared about .. that time for me. The kids are still young and they need more of my attention. I'm still married so until the divorce is finalized I don't feel right bringing another person into my mess. I need to fully shut the door and then it's going to take time to heal from that experience.

I've heard many other women talk about feeling like they aren't whole without being a part of a relationship. These are women of all ages. I always challenge these lovely people in my life with the question "why?" for me in that situation if I need to be in a relationship then I have some step work to do. I will continue to get what I have gotten and my roll is two addicts one drug and one an alcoholic. I can't go down that path again. I would prefer something different and healthy. There also seems to be a ticker on the age. Maybe that's true .. I don't know .. I do know if someone doesn't want to be with me because I"m "old" then screw that .. I would rather be alone. I have no desire to try and keep the clock turned back forever and honestly I don't want to be someone's nurse at this point.

Maybe I sound a little jaded .. LOL .. I'm not meaning to I guess I figure that if God means for me to be in a relationship then that's what will happen if not it's ok .. I think I can come up with other things to do and maybe what God has planned is so much bigger than being in a relationship. It doesn't make me less than not to be in a relationship, and the relationship doesn't make me more than .. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I am enjoying taking this time to figure out what I want to do and what I enjoy doing. I like the fact that the kids and I are having the time of our lives and that won't last forever because they will grow and start their own lives. I hope we can keep our relationship close.

Hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Kat, I would advise to go on lots of dates....date multiple men and then you will have options to select from. Alcoholics seem attractive because when you meet them in a bar they are usually still just "buzzed" and they act all charming and sweet. Nonalcoholic men are harder to get to know because they won't just pour their heart out and fawn over you so quickly.

There is nothing wrong with meeting a man at a bar. You have to mind the red flags though. Intellectually, you KNOW what an alcoholic looks like. When I went out dating again after I was broken up with my ex-A for a while. I was determined not to date another alcoholic. My boundaries on that were so firm and unyeilding. If I saw a person even having more than 2 drinks...DONE! Not for me.

Don't be so quick to cut to the chase. Learn to enjoy the game. When you talk about hating to be alone...I totally identify. I was the same and it left me vulnerable to dating screwed up guys. Gradually, through stepwork, self-care, doing things I liked that made me proud of myself and feel good about myself, my standards gradually went up. You can want a partner and a relationship without being desperate. It just requires a shift in your attitude. Instead of "I am so lonely and want to find someone so bad" it can shift to "I'm okay, but I prefer to look around and test out the giant sea of men out there that would be interested in me and then make a selection eventually if one of them rises up to snuff." When you have the second attitude, you are far less vulnerable and it comes across that way.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Kat, there are local social groups to join that include both men and women. They offer an opportunity to get together without any agenda other than the entertainment/activity indicated. I found that offered a safer option. One of my girlfriends joined with me. Online dating is really an adventure to say the least, kat. Definitely not for the vulnerable.

When I stepped back and stopped looking for someone, I found myself. I've made lots of friends Kat, male and female. I started having fun doing things with people and maybe I was longing for a special someone but I wasn't lonely. My sanity and serenity were back. My life began to feel more balanced. I had stopped trying to force outcomes. I let go and let god by asking hp to bring anyone onto my path that would add to my life not detract from it, to help me with the wisdom to know the difference. I try to build on that each day. Hp, my sponsor and working the steps helps. Hp has the plan and brings what we're ready for. Hugs. TT

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe God's will is to be alone? I haven't wanted anything to do with the opposite gender for various reasons; putting ME back together - my oh my how I identify with Humpty Dumpty; getting MY life the way I want it; relaxing - remembering and relishing how wonderful it is to sit on my quiet couch in my quiet house watching what I want, doing what I choose, sleeping how I want, eating the way I like.... etc. I understand that to attract someone suited to me, I have to first be the REAL me. Its been two years since my ex's last storm out, over a year since divorce and I haven't even wanted to date or think about that road. Years ago, before the ex-A, I was extremely lonely and I used to ask God to take the "want to be with someone" away - well, I got what I wanted, and I know I wouldn't have gotten the message as thoroughly if it hadn't be as bad as it was. Now I don't want to be with someone. Eventually I know that someone will come into my life, I have faith that it will happen, but I have to give myself time to finish working on the damage from not only the ex, but the childhood that programmed me to put up with his bs. And I really am enjoying the recovered freedom to go where I want without apologies - before the ex-A, I didn't know how truly wonderful and free my life was - now I do.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My guess is that God wants us to lead healthy and happy lives, and that there's no one right way to do that.

The thing about bars is that you know one solid thing about people you meet there: they like to go to bars. Now if I were making a list of things I wanted in a partner, I wouldn't say, "The one absolute necessity I insist on is that they should all like going to bars!" But that's what they'll all have in common. And a certain percentage of them are going to be alcoholics.

I didn't meet my A in a bar, because I dislike bars and have almost never been to one. But he was the first person I had gone out with who liked going to bars. I thought, "Well, everybody has their thing." Wish I'd paid more attention to what this meant.

In situations where you get to know a person slowly, you have time to learn what they're like before you plunge in and get involved. Like sports groups (where you play, not where you get together and drink and watch), classes, volunteer efforts, hiking clubs, etc. If you join one you like, then you have a guarantee of one good thing in common -- hiking, or whatever. A better thing to have in common than going to bars! And there have been a number of people I've met that way who, with greater acquaintance, turned out to be not right for me at all. It was much better to get to know them as friends in a group, and say "No, not right" that way, than to plunge into a relationship and figure out they're not right and then have to get myself out of it.

The slow friendship way is less dramatic than the boozy hook-up way. I know for my life, less drama is ultimately better.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((katfshh)))) I am soooo grateful you brought this discussion to the board. I loved the responses; all of them and mostly the ones I have already learned from because with experience they verify what has worked for me after they were suggested and practiced. It's not for everyone because each person has their intentions and wants and wishes and fears. What I found in the responses was actually a real event for me...a learning event designed by my HP and delivered by a very close friend of my alcoholic/addict. I was hanging on to friends in hope that I was also hanging on to the alcoholic/addict. One day while visiting my friend she told me of the interactions one of her work friends was having with a separated husband. He was lonely and wanted to come back into the house and my friend told me that this is what she told him. "I love you. I like having your here and I don't need you". When I heard that last part I got angry and left her house. It was unlike anything I could ever put together myself so I left angry because it made me fearful. I got 4 blocks away and was so consumed by the thought that I had to pull over to reconsider it without distraction. Mostly I rehashed and rehashed that part that said "...and I don't need you". It sounded so foreign, not making sense with the rest of the statement and then I got it. For me it was the "needing" part that kept me tied to and dependant on another for my happiness while the program was telling me that I and I alone was responsible for that.

Thanks for the thread and to the rest of the family I am grateful to your recovery. ((((hugs)))) smile

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

((((katfshh))) The foreword in the book, "Getting Them Sober - Volume One," has some excellent tips regarding moving on after being in a relationship with an A. I highly recommend that you check it out.

Peace,

Green Eyes

-- Edited by Green Eyes on Thursday 8th of November 2012 12:48:28 PM

Chaya · Senior Member

I could have written the same post. For me, I want love but I'm sure not ready for it.

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