Welcome Rosie, so glad to hear you will start meetings this week, that's where things began to feel much better for me. Until then, you can try MIP online meetings and keep posting here. YOu never have to do this alone again, you belong to a fellowship now, one that understands what it's like living with alcoholism.

Here is a suggestion, if Mom is not in al-anon, I would take her advice with a grain of salt. It was always best when I shared my problems with a fellowship that is NOT going to judge me or my alcoholic and tell me what to do. since the answers are inside of us, we only share ESH (experience, strength and hope) with each other, and then we each discover our answers for ourselves. If anyone is telling you what to do, they belong in a 12-step program too, lol. It's really easy for my family and friends to tell me what to do but it only added chaos to confusion and they don't have to live with the consequences.  they just can't KNOW how to solve my problems if they haven't walked in my shoes. People will always try to fix me and my problems, we all like to play God.  it's my job to ask, "Is that what worked for you??"  

For now, it may help to remember, for a fight to happen, it takes two to get into a boxing ring.  You don't have to get into the ring. Don't put the gloves on. The problem is, they act and we react. But you have choices, you don't have to let yourself get hooked anymore. You can give yourself lots of space to determine how you care to respond.  and you can take as long as you want....  

Take care of YOURSELF whatever that looks like ((hugs))

Hi Maxine . . this line in your reply to me really hit home "I found the best thing was to let him just get on with it, if you can, dont ask him questions that could possibly spark him off, you have to take care of you and you only" T

This is so close to my Mom's advise to let him sink or swim . . and one of my favorite affirmations is "If you don't what to do, do NOTHING" . . that's what I need to learn to do with him . . the STOP phrases . . when he starts in pushing my buttons . . I just need to do NOTHING . . if I can learn to do that one thing it would relieve so much of the stress . . just let his crap bounce off me . . he just dropped by my work at lunch and we got in a huge argument in the parking lot . . so . . I didn't practise what I preach . . my nerves are just so frazzled and out of control right now I'm strugling with even being rational . . I asked him to move out for a week . . just a week . . I need a break . . I need to get my act together so I can deal . . or I guess "not" deal with him . . and I'm going to start Al Anon meetings this week . . had to try to find one that I can get to and it's next Monday . . so I'm going . . today I start working on me . . I hope . .

  Thank you all for your thoughts and support . . I really need it right now . . and I REALLY need to detach for my own safety . . when he gets going he can be very physically abusive and I just need not to participate and contribute to the dance . . your are completely right in that it takes 2 to fight . . I get so angry when I get suckered in . . I know better . . but my mouth won't stop . . and he follows me around the house yelling at me . . but I have found . . when I've been strong and able to NOT respond . . it does work . . I leave him alone . . then he starts feeling bad and usually calms down and apologizes . . so here's my question . . I know this works . . so why is it so hard to do when you are in the boxing ring???   And here's my other issue I'm dealing with . . by walking away . . isn't that letting him get away with his bad behavior without consequences???  That's one I've been pondering for awhile now . . but then again I also know by participating in the battle it only escalates and makes matters worse . . as they say "if you always do what you've done you always get what you got" . . triple BINGO . . I know there is a lesson from God to be learned here as this is my 2nd go round with an alcoholic relationship . . so hopefully this time I can pass the test . . thank you all again . .

Rosie,

So glad you have come here for support, and glad you are seeking out a f2f meeting. My ex-AH is a dry drunk that thinks he "quit drinking by himself" didn't need to lean on any AA members to do it! In his mind that shows weakness or something. He does not drink O'douls, and has been able to stay sober since 2006, with only one relapse during our divorce in August of 2009. He got "back on the wagon" around November of that year, due to his throat closing up on him because of esophageal varices- Scarring (cirrhosis) of the liver is the most common cause of esophageal varices. This scarring reduces blood flowing through the liver. As a result, more blood flows through the veins of the esophagus. He said that his throat literally "closed off" and wouldn't allow him to swallow a beer that he was drinking. That was enough for him to quit the second time. I also filed an Order of protection on him during this time period (November 2009 - November 2010) for his invasion of my home (let himself in through the garage door while I was gone, just to leave his Bible on my bed as a symbol that he didn't need God anymore!) I probably over-reacted to his allowing himself into what had once been our home, through the garage door code that I had not changed. I think I felt threatened, however due to previous alcoholic marriages that had been physically abusive and the PTSD that I suffered because of that.

I also care for an elderly mother, who has moderate Alzheimer's and I know how stressful that situation is on top of living with a dry drunk. Please take care of yourself. I practice HALT daily and ask myself am I:

Hungry? If yes, then I fix myself (and mom) a snack.

Angry? If yes, then I journal about it, punch a pillow, or go jogging.

Lonely? If yes, I come in here (MIP), go to a f2f meeting or call my sponsor.

Tired? If yes, I try to take a nap, sometimes that requires me to get someone to sit with mom, as she can't be left unsupervised at anytime.

After that year of court ordered seperation from each other (3 months after the divorce) we eventually got back together, and are now working our programs seperately, and living in seperate residences. This is what works for us, for now. I practice detaching from him and his "isms" on a daily basis and I see both of us getting healthier because of it. We have now been reunited a year and a half and it's literally a One Day at a Time, relationship with no expectations. This is hard at times, because of my need to want to "control" things in my future. But truth be told, no one can predict the future, much less control it. So it's best to just Let Go and Let God work this out in his time.

I do encourage you, however; to take shelter for both you and your mom's sake if you are in any eminent danger of abuse. Physically violent alcoholics (and I've been married to a few) are nothing to mess around with. Be sure to take care of you and your mom; if she is in your care, as mine is. I had to consider her and my 15 year old daughter (from a previous marriage) in my decision to seperate myself from anyone who I felt was threatening. Take care of you and yours.

Overcome

I just wanted to mention the question about whether walking away from the drinking is letting him get away with the bad behavior without consequences.  This is the way I see it.  In one sense, he's not getting away without consequences no matter what you do.  He's driven himself to a miserable life of lying and family unhappiness by his drinking adn refusing to face up to his problems.  He's causing his own consequences every day -- his own misery, which he drinks more to get away from.  In another sense, the consequences would have to get a whole lot worse before he might (might -- no guarantees) decide that things are so miserable that the drinking has to change.  People often go to jail, suffer terrible health, and sometimes even die before they get to that decision point.  So someone taking them to task for it has no more impact than a hair landing on them.  Sometimes it just gives them another welcome excuse to drink more.  The consequences that might (no guarantees) cause him to start thinking that things have gone too far would have to be much more serious, like you leaving.  That's not to say that you should leave to teach him a lesson.  If you leave, it should be just like if you stay -- something you're doing for your well-being and because you've made a decision for you.

If he is physically violent, you would want to make a very careful plan before you did anything like leave.  I hope you'd get the advise of a domestic violence shelter and have everything laid out ahead of time.  (At the same time, you might want to have a quick exit plan if things get violent suddenly even if you don't plan to leave -- your life is very important!)  I am not urging you to leave.  You know best what your situation is.  I'm just saying that things of that magntitude are the kind of things that sometimes are severe enough to cause drinkers to reassess.  Criticizing him for drinking will have no effect except to make him irritated -- I imagine everyone here has found that out through long experimentation.  So please don't think that walking away from an argument will hinder his recovery.  The Three C's apply here: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.  So you are free to protect yourself by refusing to take the bait!

Mattie, this is just what I needed to hear and Rosie I hope it has some nuggets of gold for you too. I am utterly stuck in the mindset that "I am letting him get away with drinking/being irrresponsible/driving drunk if I don't confront it when I see it." I see that confronting him only irritates him and doesn't change his behaviour but if anything exacerbates it. 

I also am struggling with perspective. Is his drinking as bad as my reaction (internal or external) would suggest? He rarely gets drunk. He never ever is abusive in any way. He is a great partner in all other respects. Those are all what make me get so anxious when he gets even tipsy and especially when he then drives. My dad is an alcoholic and was all through my growing up so I want to avoid that at all costs. I am trying to nip this in the bud. 

Now that I am 5 months pregnant I feel trapped in that if his drinking does progress or even just stays how it is and he makes that one mistake of driving tipsy/drunk and gets into an accident I am, well, f***ed.  

Then there is the feeling I am being melodramatic since it is so infrequent and in comparison with some of the other stories here I have it quite good.