The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just came back from a solo trip to the mountains....literally just 'walking the path of detachment'. Initially the plan was that I do that 2 weeks trip with friends, but HP decided otherwise and let me go alone. I felt a bit strange at first, because I was scared to spend so much time with myself and my head, after and during the current circumstances with my dicovery on alcoholism in and around my family and myself.... and because i had started reflecting and working on the 4th step as I wrote you before, which scared me a lot. So I hoped I could escape a bit with friends, and ended up on my own, just walking with a local guide, into complete remote mountain terrain. and it felt ...simple, great.
Honestly, it was despite the hard walk a complete return to serenity and peace, with the world of course because I was far away from everything, but also and most importantly with myself. So much anger and despair and fear and hopelessness and anxiety and resentment lately. well I decided to confront them and deal with them instead of running away and being controlled by those negative feelings. What a relief! I am happy I have the courage and the endurance to have done that and I am thankful for MiP where I always find the support and strength when I feel weak....one day at a time is a long journey and there are days where one fears the change; but right now i feel like saying, it is the change that brings me closer to myself, lightens up the room, and gives me a clearer sight of who I really am or can be or want to become....Today I feel like this whole ups and downs are like moving out of a shadow given to me by tradition, family or culture. i am currently haveing a clearer sight of my past and can understand my actions or reactions, and I am learning to deal with it all with compassion. I can now understand what old timers in Al-Anon meant by 'loving with detachment'. I can still love my A father, my a sister, my ABF...and myself in all this...that's a relief for me to know. Understanding every day alittle bit more about how this disease works, and that gives me a whole lot of hope for the future. Things don't have to move on the way they have always come along.
It was good to have time (luxury) to myself, reflect, and feel physically tired, bringing balance to my menatl work, lol. I am happy to know what is good for me. and I'm surprised i sticked around because HP made me feel so. I learned a lot in the past few months, lessons that cleared up the sky from the last 10 years.
so i'm starting with myself, with love. hoping to keep it up, compassion is my key. and there are miracles, very tiny small ones.... I am happy I am learning to see, happy to be here.
Strength and courage to all...I am continuing on my 4th step...I am tortuga (turtle) , moving slooooowly , enjoying each step in recovery.
(((((Tortuga))))) I came to my computer with the need for support when the day outside was overcast and dark and as I clicked up the MIP site the bright morning orange sun broke thru the clouds and came right to me. I came looking for support and prayers and while I made my share the darkness came back and when I stayed to read your share the sun came back out again...now brighter as it climbs above the morning rain clouds. I am grateful I stayed and more grateful your share was next.
In my culture we have a morning chant which we do as the sun rises thru the darkness to send away the unknowing. It is called E Ala E. The chant is about coming into awareness out of the darkness. I didn't chant it this morning, I thought it and then came here where your ESH was.
You must know that one of the body forms I have to recognize the spirits of my ancestors past who I believe are still with me to guide and support me is the "honu" the turtle, the tortuga.
I agree, you are indeed another example of a true "Miracle in Progress."
It was powerful to read that you did not let the negative emotion of "FEAR " take over . You had d the courage and wisdom to face it and see that it is "False evidence appearing real"
, enjoying each step in recovery.