The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He's supposedly in recovery, but he drinks. I know it's not my problem. BUT THIS IS KILLING ME. I came home unexpectedly from work an hour ago, he wasn't here. I figured he was out drinking, and resisted the urge to text him. To help me, I looked up this forum.
He just showed up, said, "I'm actually just back for a minute," and I said, "where are you going?" and he said, "The VFW." I just said, "OK." He told me he had a ride waiting for him, came over and gave me a kiss, then left.
I'm detaching. I'm letting him live his life. I'm not arguing with him, or trying to control him. I didn't say, "Why are you going to the VFW?" or "I wish you wouldn't" or "I know you drank yesterday, now you're going to the VFW to drink again, are you sure you want to do this?" Even though I know this is the last I'll hear from him today, even though we have an appointment at the gym at 5, and then I go to an Al-Anon meeting at 7 and he goes to an AA meeting. It's our Monday ritual. I'll still go to the gym. Our trainer will ask where he is--what do I say? "He's out drinking" or "I don't know" or "He's at the VFW"?
I JUST DON"T UNDERSTAND ALCOHOLICS. Why does he do this??
He does this because he is an alcoholic. This is a cunning and baffling disease. I don't think any NON alcoholic truly understands the grip that alcohol has over them.
I am very glad that you are attending Alanon tonight. Talk it out with your family there. It will help you immensely. Focus on you... the one that you can cure...
As far as what to say at the gym... You can tell them as little or as much as is comfortable for you.
I just wish I knew what to say. When he comes stumbling in, stinking and drunk, at 2 am tonight, do I tell him to go sleep in the other room? Do I tell him, "I'm not giving you an ultimatum, but you have to know that I have my limits, and I can't live my life like this forever"? When he apologizes for drinking, what do I say? "I know this is hard for you. I hope you give AA its full due." I mean, what? What do I say? PS I HATE THE VFW. It is an organization dedicated to furthering the alcoholism of combat veterans who really deserve better.
Roothy, nothing you say will be wrong. Just be true to yourself an say what is important for YOU...don't say something in hopes of him changing. Say what YOU feel is right for you in order to remain true to yourself.
