"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

fear and control taking over within me

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

So my 14 year old is interested in boys and wants to be able to date. She is a freshmen and our rule even after the divorce has been at 16 she can start dating in groups. So I find out she kind of has a boyfriend and they are hand holding. What do I do or say? Her dad is ready to cave and try to set boundaries for her dating now. I am livid! I talked to my counselor and because the first guy I was dating raped me when I was just wanting to make out, she told me to openly tell my daughter my experience and why this raises so many red flags in me. I know I can't control her especially while they are at school. I already take her and pick her up and she doesn't get any alone time with him now. I am freaking out here and can't even imagine what to do. I am thinking about taking away her cell and laptop after 9 pm, since they message and text til late at night. I don't want to completly freak out any more than I already am, so that she doesn't rebel further. HELP!

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Always a tough one whenever our kids are concerned, but kudos to you in coming here, and challenging yourself on whether or not your thinking/boundaries are clouded on this one....

This is definitely a subject you can get additional information for - and not even solely from your group(s) of recovery, as this one is something you can bounce off other parents, etc...

I have a 16-year old daughter, and 14-year old son, so I think I have some frame of reference....

For my daughter, the 'group dates' started when she was 14, and the main information that was required (still the same today) was: with who, who else is going to be there; where are you going; is there any parent supervision....

To me, a 14-year old hand-holding, etc., is a pretty natural thing.... As long as your daughter is open to you about what is going on, and respects your needs to know - I would ask yourself if you trust your daughter's judgement enough to "allow" this.... My daughter, for example, has earned my trust, and we do our best to keep the relationship open and informed.... Not always easy, but ultimately - they are going to be faced with difficult decisions - sex, drugs, drinking - and I think we always want to make sure they feel that they can come to us with their questions/fears/concerns....

Take care

Tom

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a few friends who swore they wouldn't let their daughters date until 16, but wound up allowing it at 14 for various reasons. I think having a set of rules in place is reasonable, but trying to keep them apart or freaking out about it won't do your relationship any good. Do you and your dd have a good relationship? I know I can talk to my 14 year old son about this stuff, but some kids are tougher nuts to crack than others.

Can you suggest group dates to her? Those bowling places where kids play video games, eat, bowl, etc are awesome for group dates and are more fun than just sitting in a movie theater. My son's friends do the waterpark thing in the summer, they go to baseball games, outdoor events, etc. as groups of mixed kids. He's immature for his age so I haven't had to really deal with the girl thing yet but many of his friends are getting there, LOL!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

The problems as I see it are 1. we are new to this area and the girls haven't been super welcoming and the boys took her in very willingly. 2. All the other girls her age are dating, she said like 75% and 3. With me going to school full time and working on weekends she watches her little sister quite a bit, so she doesn't get much time for outlets and I fear boys have become her escape. I have a hard time getting her to open up to me and she talked with her dad my exAH about all this and he talked to me and it went well, but puts me in a spot being the parent that has her 3/4 of the time. I am trying to put myself aside, fears and all and be able to be there for her and guide her thorugh this, but she has made it clear she isn't that interested in opening up to me about any of it. I found out on her FB page and I kind of freaked out about it. I explained to her why and my fears for her and I understand she is going to do whatever she has been doing anyway. She has straight A's and has been such an easy mellow kid, but the teen years are here and I am trying to not let my mind take off with what is to come. After talking with my exAH I realize there is a little sneaky factor going on and I am realizing it is time to let the games begin. DARNIT! So I just really need all the ESH available to guide me through this and to keep us as healthy as can be. Thanks all!!!! I can be okay with the group hanging out thing and okay with just hand holding. It would be so much easier if she was being open with me. I feel her starting to try to work her dad and I against each other to get what she wants. So frustrating all in the name of teen hormones.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like you have been a good parent from the start and still are. So you have been doing something.

Let me tell ya, the best single mom I know, did a lot like you do. Meet the boy, always be present when he is at your house. If she goes somewhere meet the parents, make sure someone will be home.

Drop off and pick up and sometimes check early. Have her do a check in with you. Call you once in awhile. Be honest, share what you went through asking her to be patient with you. She will say I am not you and it won't happen to me. Ignore this. Keep your stuff as your own.

Meet everyone she is hanging with. I even would take cig out of their mouths and throw them! My sons friends. They all hung out at my house.

It's good to be the mom first, but be friends too. I would say not to take anything away. Negative never works. She gets good grades, babysits etc. Telling her you are proud of her decisions, and i like how you check in with me all that will make her open to you. Also always listen even if it is the hundreth time she tells you about these shoes she wants or her friends mom is weird.

We have to let the rope out slow, but also she needs to have a sense of power. Saying I know you know the right thing to do, I trust you. that will mean so much.

But let me tell you if a boy says or wants to do something, she is not going to stop cuz mom said. She will stop because you guys shared how you both feel about things. How SHE feels about it. Listening is so important right now.

It is scarey. I have said many times we only have our kids 14 years if we are fortunate. Such a small part of our lives. We have to talk to them about safety and how to react. If a car is following turn around the other way. Stay in groups, not becuz you do not trust her, its the bad element out there.

'Kids do not have the brain development to believe anything will happen to them till the late 20's.

I don't do the age thing, its how mature a child is, what they say and do, how they look at their education. I told my kids early about how their bodies are precious and not to go sharing themselves with anyone till they were married. But I was realistic too and shared being safe as possible. Kids have to learn about other kids, boys too to make good decisions. I would ask her what she likes about this boy? Have him come over and play board games. My bf came over and we played cards lots and ate m and m's till we were sick!

Parents liking their friends is so important. Even if you see something you don't like say nothing. But later you might talk about well how do you feel about boys that smoke? Maybe have a coversation about, well how old are kids sleeping with each other now? when I was 17 many kids were or whatever. Be curious, not snoopy about her.

does this make sense? Keeping kids busy in what they love is essential. Introducing them to many things so they find their passion. I loved to sew, made some cool cloths, Babysat a lot so I had money for cool shoes etc. Learned how to use make up. I remember everyone wore nylons as we called them. I was not allowed. It was so embarrassing for me. I had to wear these ugly shoes saddle shoes. ick. I stole some of my moms nylons...I was tired of being embarrassed. Then started making my own money and buying what I wanted. My mother then would pay half.

I wish my Mother would have checked on me more. that was when people started smoking pot, drinking a lot doing other drugs. I always wanted babies so would not dare touch anything. Besides after watching how dumb they looked no thank you. would rather go ride my horse.

back then things were done that were very bad to one girl in a bedroom. I had NO idea I should have called my parents for her! I still feel bad and remember her name!

Anyway this is my experience. Like I said a lot is listening, and stepping back and observing and catching them before they mess up. LOVE them. even when they say I hate you, I said back ohhhh you are so sweet, you love me! Huggem even when they don't want to, they act like they hate it, but they love it. they want to feel all grown up, yet inside they need us to be their rock.

My kids were tough, but they knew, always I had their backs. I raised a son alone, omgosh the things I had to face.Huge policemen harrassing the boys, most police are not nice to teen boys. jerks. I had to face them a lot. years later they were very pleased my son turned out so well.

ugh. we are here for you. Take a breath it really will be ok. love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"