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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Update
Post Info TOPIC: Update
Pushka


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Update
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Well, STBAX's mom is home and I was able to take my eldest to go and visit with her. 

The visit was ok.  Youngest is at his other grandma's (STBAX's ex s/mom).  In fact the kids were there almost all weekend and had a great time with their cousin who is 5 visiting from out of town.  I figured he saw her Thursday unlike my daughter who wasn't even given the option to go.  So no worries there, and I asked him what he wanted to do and he said church and playtime. 

I was very glad that my girl got to see her grandma.  I will tell you all what it's no wonder that the family is the way it is .. as we are leaving she says to me you and J have done a great job raising the kids and getting them through this situation .. OMGosh .. I could have spit nails in that moment.  I was able to quickly see a very ill woman who is on her last legs.  I smiled and just said, yes, I have done a great job with the kids.  She made the comment well J has helped too.  In my mind I thought yes he's provided for them which is more than I can say about some, however the hard work I have done.  I'm the one who holds them when they cry, listens to their secrects and dreams, encourages them to dream and take risks.  Yes, I have a bit of a resentment about him getting ANY credit in terms of how solid emotionally they are because he actually called my son by the wrong name when we came in.  So not surprised in the least had no idea there was parent-teacher conferences, continues to say they are the wrong age and forget about knowing what grade they are in .. he has no clue.  He only gets credit in terms of financial support while he lived here .. everything since May of this year has been a HUGE fight with him.  I'm just holding my ground and I'm not sorry that I am. 

It was very hard to hold my tongue and I just said nicely we will have to agree to disagree on that subject, love you and hope you are feeling more yourself.  I did tell her I would stop by again and see her. 

I was also able to be civil to him.  Recognizing that he's got his own agenda going on, I just left it alone. 

This is all small baby steps for me.  I chose not to engage fully.  I am continuing to do the next right thing with a few hiccups however .. ehe .. that's all going to be ok. 

It was very good to see her sitting up and talking to my daughter.  I tried not to interfere in their conversation.  I did ask if my daughter wanted to talk when we left and she said no.  So she knows she can if she wants to sometimes though she likes to keep that kind of thing to herself just because she's processing what was said.  She may share later or not .. that is up to her.  I know it's more important that she has a place to come to. 

Anyway I so appreciate all of the feedback I received as well as the prayers.  Much needed and I am really trying to turn things over and let them be, I had no emotional pull towards the STBAX it was kind of weird however it's a step in a very good direction. 

Hugs P :) 

 



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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I know I am probably wrong but it seems like this all happened so fast.Your lives have changed so much.

We have to let out how we feel sometimes. To Thine Own Self be True. When I had the bump with my best friend, I wrote it in an email and also called him becuz I needed to make sure I said what I wanted.

I am glad you said what you wanted/needed to and did not lie. Being his mom, she needs to believe he did ok.She may know inside he does not do enough.

sounds like you did this for you, self care! I am impressed! (c:

Like your attitude with kids too.I know with mine I never put their dads down. Their relationship was their own.

Ok what is this stx whatever thing???? hugs hon,debilyn



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Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs Deb,

I wish I was as saintly as far as the not putting dad down issue. It's not that I put him down (I have my moments, which will get better the further out this all gets) .. however I eyeball rolls, lots of head shaking and shrugging shoulders. I do try and refrain from saying to much however when he pulls the stuff money wise it really gets under my skin. it doesn't affect just me it's the kids too that's the part that bothers me the most and of course he doesn't think he needs to pay anything. It's been very difficult to say the least especially when he did spend 7 weeks starving the kids and I out. He didn't even think about it in those terms until I put it there in that way .. in fact it shocked him. He never apologized and I certainly know not to expect one as if he admits that his house of cards will come tumbling down. That was so about his tunnel vision in having to pay me anything in terms of support.

Their relationship with their dad IS their own and I do reinforce that whatever he does or doesn't do that is so not about them, it's really not even about me it's about his garbage that he needs to deal with. I have always spoken to the kids about feelings and such and so this is a very normal dialog in our home.

I'm tired of all of the threats with what is he or isn't going to do at this point I'm kind of like ookk .. it's in the hands of my higher power and all I can do is keep doing what I am doing and hope the judge sees through his crap.

Soon To Be Alcoholic Ex (STBAX), it's easier than typing all of that out all the time :)

I'm very very very grateful that no longer have to deal with him in my home. I had such a peaceful weekend even dealing with his mom and her illness. That all being said it ws really nice to just be in the moment even in my own thoughts and not have chaos enveloping me.

Hugs P :)






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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Breakingfree


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My 14 year old told me the other day atleast after a year since the divorce was fianl, we finally don't talk bad about each other. It took me time to really let go and let God with my resentments and control issues. I still want to revert back on bad days, but it had gotten easier and better. Sending you much love and support!

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pinkchip


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For his mother - What I know academically about people in the latter phases of life - They want to look back and feel like they did something good. So it's not about your kids with her (the grandmother), it's about her kid. She has much emotional energy and time invested. She needs to look back on her life and feel good about it and that involves believing that her son is a good person that she raised. It's good that you were able to be true to yourself without snatching that from her.

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amills4294


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You are doing a great job! I can relate to you on many levels with this but my husband is more engaged with my daughter (at times). My mother-in-law only wants to see the best of her kids no matter how bad it may get. This really references my brother in law more than my spouse. She has enabled him his entire life to not be self sufficient - now he isn't and he's attempting to raise a child. He's 40 yrs old and cannot stand on his own two fee. All because of her doing.

Sometimes it's not that they choose not to see what's going on it's just that it's too painful. As long as you know what the reality is and your kids know, that's all that matters. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. I struggled with that a lot and I still do. I've finally learned to accept that I don't need anyone else's approval when it comes to raising my daughter. I am confident that I am a good mother and my choices are mine.

Keep doing what you are doing. You are doing great!

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Update