broken - Al-Anon Family Group

uscgmomma1028 · Member

broken

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thanks for coming usc,

I feel you will benefit from a face to face al-anon meeting. You are definitely in the right place :)

It sounds like you also have issues of co-dependance. You are afraid of being alone. Despite your love for the alcoholic, any relationship where an argument results in a broken body part is not a healthy one. Regardless of the circumstances or who loves who.

His drinking and behaviour will not change until he decides he wants it to. Nothing you do or say of threaten will change that.

You now need to focus on yourself.

Keep coming back :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you have found us and that you are taking good care of yourself. Violence in a relationship is very dangerous and it is essential to protect yourself. The sad fact is that untreated alcoholism spirals downward, and domestic violence too.

When I started this journey I knew very little about how it all works. If you find a good Al-Anon meeting (they say to try six because they're all different), read these boards, get the literature and read it, and find a sponsor and start working the steps, you'll start to understand how it works. Then real healing begins.

One thing is that we typically have underlying depression. Typically our upbringings were not very functional, plus maybe we have inherited the tendency toward depression. So for most of our lives we've tried to fix that depression -- but typically in ways that made things worse in the long term. The alcoholics try to fix their depression with alcohol. Typically we try to fix our depression with other people. I tried to get my A (alcoholic) to love me in a healthy way, so I could feel okay. But as we say in Al-Anon, that's "like going to the hardware store for bread." Then also the chaos is very distracting. It doesn't feel good, but it still distracts us from our feelings of sadness.

When we separate from the A, we often feel the same things they feel when they're separated from alcohol. The feelinsg come rushing in and they feel unbearable. But if we try to solve those problems with more of the same, all we'll get is more of the same. "Nothing changes if nothing changes."

I hope you'll find a good face-to-face meeting. And a sponsor. And there are online meetings here. Keep coming back. Hugs.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh I am so sad for you.I know that horrible pain. Of course your loved ones cannot possibly understand. What I told mine is he was very sick, Addiction is a disease. His brain is not working right. I always said also that if your wife or husband had a brain injury and hurt you, would you stop loving them?

Its hard for most to understand that he is sick and cannot just stop. they see it as the A having fun. I must tell you, this is not a symptome of being an addict, neither is cheating. The alcohol loosens them up so they do things that they do have a tendancy to think about. I would never abuse or cheat,I am not an abuser or cheater.

This man is an abuser on top of being an A. I invite you to find a womens abuse support group. I learned so much from one i used to go to.

I am so sorry you got hurt. My ex AH was brain damaged in surgery and from addictions. Turned into a monster. Tossed me over his shoulders, I landed flat on mine and now am disabled forever. Have had one shoulder surgery so I know how much you hurt! Please for sure do what your doc says. After many years I still have to be very careful or mine rip again.

We do understand and are always here to support you and listen. I am sure he feels awful. But once they go over that line, drinking or not, they will kill you. Maybe not even on purpose.

We can love someone but not be able to live with them. My mother taught me that a long time ago. Yes you will feel better as you heal up and stay away from him. The more I did, the sooner I realized I no longer loved him. that this monster was not the man I loved. The disease killed him. Hard to face! It is a nightmare for awhile becuz his body is walking around but that is not him in it.

I say the same thing, I took lots of naps, ate what I could, worked so hard I fell down in exaustion with my cloths on. working on my animal sanctuary is what saved me. Volunterring at the humane society helped me too. I would lay on the grass even in winter with them, we held each other close.

Sending you lots of love. Also sending you clarity to really look at the truth of how it is. debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

In the meetings you will hear subjects like the progression of the disease. I did and it helped me to look backward from when I was very young and I was able to see how the disease progressed unchecked and un-noticed in my life until I got into the face to face rooms of Al-Anon. Only then was I able to start applying the brakes on the accelaration that was going on moving toward it becoming fatal to my alcoholic/addict spouse and I even while we were addicted to living that way. Thank God and Al-Anon I still had a chance and by going to the face to face meetings and sitting, listening with an open mind, asking for help all the time and practicing what I was being taught I was able to save my life.

In program I had the opportunity to look at and inventory the relationship and I found absolutely nothing that suggested love in it. Alcoholism doesn't function on love. I found wanting to be in love and no love anyways. We wanted/desired to be loving and loved and that isn't what we could do. For me I wanted so much to be loved and never felt it and I wanted so much to be loving and then ended up anxious, confused, resentful, angry and rageful. I almost killed the woman I said I was in "love" with.

Get into the rooms...find your chair...listen with an open mind and for the similarties of the spoken experiences with your own, listen to the steps, traditions, slogans and all of it and get literature...as much as you can that pertains to your situation and mark your calender for the next available meeting...or memorize the meeting schedule. Keep coming back here and keep sharing your growth...this is how we keep each other safe and growing.

(((((hugs))))) smile

uscgmomma1028 · Member

Thank you so much for all the caring and kind words. I started therapy yesterday, and a face to face alanon meeting tomorrow. I literally am taking it hour by hour. He still calls, I still answer. Of course he is sorry. I told him we have been disfunctional for awhile, so our "plan" is to take a year living apart and work on ourselves. Saddest part for me is I know I will be only one doing so. It is sad because he is going to die, he will spirial and this makes me feel so guilty. I love him, but unfortunately in love with someone I only saw every 5 or 6 days and only for maybe 24 hrs. I have been through a lot in my life, but this is by far the most painful. I pray and know my higher power is trying to guide me. And I do want "me" back, just wish it did not hurt so much. Thanks everyone

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