Should I tell her? - Al-Anon Family Group

hdftby100 · Senior Member

Should I tell her?

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thanks hdftby100,

In Al-anon we don't really give advice. However, I can tell you my experience.

I find when I would call my alcoholic father on his drinking, it would just lead to an argument and I would feel like crap. The alcoholic already felt ashamed for caving in to their disease and I just made them feel worse, hence giving them more reason to drink. The cycle perpetuated.

It doesn't matter that nothing else about her bothers you. Her drinking does though and that's an issue, or you wouldn't be posting here. I would always tell myself 'My dad drinks...but he pays his bills and he's a nice guy...and he has good qualities' I was in total denial that it was a problem for me.

There is no shame in admitting there is something wrong. You are not a failure. You are not weak and not any less of a man for being hurt.

What do you think you should do?

Keep coming back

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Hdfty

In my opinion , drinking wine at 8AM is a sign of trouble. I found that I tried to hide most of my thoughts and feelings in my marriage in an effort to control the situation. Since I was powerless over alcohol I decided to be honest and open as possible in my relationship and see where the chips would fall.

I would say" I am fearful and sad that you drink wine at 8 am. I am concerned for you health and our marriage." That is all and then go about my business.

Taking care of myself gave me permission to be honest and then let go of my fear and trust HP

Good Luck

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the things we do as spouses is to make molehills out of mountains.

Drinking at 8 a.m. is, well, something an alcoholic would do...yet you say her problem is not as extreme as others....

Question is, what are YOU willing to live with? If you decide to draw boundaries around how YOU want to live...then it might be appropriate bring it up..say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean.... we can never control our As...but you can control what you will and won't put up with in your home.

My scales finally tipped...and the costs of his drinking in the home far outweighed the benefits of his being in my life and in my home...I have no idea how the scales are weighing for you...it's different for all of us...

I know alot of the alanoners here would say to examine your intent for talking about this with her....and go from there...

hang in there...

RP

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is very similar to Jim's...It is how and what I learned in the program. Life cannot be all about what bothers me. If my alcoholic/addict stopped drinking and using I still focused and walked on eggshells...and she and everyone else could still tell it because bodylanguage speaks volumes over the verbal. Saying it again would not make the situation any better in my case and it did. My alcoholic/addict did go clean and dry for a while and it was I, just as the program warned that might happen I spoke without thinking and knowing and was responsible for sending her back out and whatever we still had left to keep us together was lost...everything. Was I glad for that? Nope I loved her and had to learn how to love her unconditionally just as HP loves. Should I tell her...I did and nothing was left...Did I tell her that her drinking and using bothered me...a hundred times before...finally I tried the enablers tack and when she asked if I thought she was alcoholic rather than say I don't know or you need to ask your sponsor or AA I got smart and said "No" and she went directly out on another 5 year run. "When in doubt don't"!!

Alcoholism doesn't care what or how you do a thing or for the reason you do it. It is an insideous disease, cunning, powerful and baffling. It is older by thousands of years, the birth of the Christ and the human race has been altered by it. It still controls and drives insane and kills its victims and it kills even when the victims want to be alive. The program of Al-Anon has solutions...I know...it saved my sanity and life and the disease still is running its course.

Keep coming back...tell your home group and your sponsor you hate drinking at anytime of the day and what it has done to your life and what you are learning now.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Al Anon principles are clear,we are powerless over the A. Does not matter what they do. It is not our business. If we want to stay we learn to look at what we do.We accept them as is.We can choose how we want to react. It takes work, but it can be done.

My thought is so what, what are you going to have? OJ? How would you like it if she said hey it bothers me when you drink oj in the morn. Its none of our business anymore than it is of theirs!.

We are here to learn how to live with them, by changing us.

Or we learn we really don't want to.

Or we leave it the same and keep bumping our heads into brick walls.

Of course she knows it is a problem.

When I had NOTHING to do with his disease, put it in his lap when he would say oh my liver hurts...oh well that is a drag.

I feel sick. oh really.

I would tell him I don't want to hear anythng about your disease. I respect you enough to leave it in your hands, its none of my business. After awhile I just did not notice or give it any attentio. He was much nicer to be around and I got more time to be with him before he got horrible.

hugs! debilyn

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

For me in a relationship, it's important to communicate. My problem in the past was, I wanted what I wanted, I wanted to control. I wanted someone to change. and that always put me on a slippery slope regarding serenity. As long as I believe someone needs to do A, B or C before I can be happy, my disease is in full swing again.

So my sponsor told me to speak my truth by saying what I need to say ONCE. say it once and then let it go. If I say it MORE than once, I am trying to manipulate and control. Also, if I hold an expectation that what I say is going to matter, I have set myself up for a resentment.

Think your wife already knows how you feel??

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

Thats a Tougie... Really is, and tho I Can't Choose for you, In my Experiance and with My Desire to Know & Feel TRUTH after being raised in this Addiction... I am a Very at times Brutally (From the Heart) Out Spoking Person, long ago it was in search of Truth, and Control, But Since Al-Anon/ACOA it is more like some Mentioned above...

If I have somethings that Bothers me about my A's.. I WILL Tell them Once! And Normally I Follow that with, "Its None of My Business what you Do with your life, but I Love you & Care about you!" and leave it at that! But After it is Out, I Then Set Boundry's with myself and DO NOT say it twice! They Heard me the 1st time & Like ((Glad)) said, more then Once I'm trying to control them or manipulate or force them, which doesn't make me any better then thier Disease! If I have Spoken My Peace, "KINDLY" I Then Hand it Over to HP, and if at that point I Feel I Can't Handle being apart of their None Desire to change, then I Put Boundry's in place within me! Too Protect Me & My Sanity, And I Learn to Stand my ground, BUT ... On My Side of the Street...Not Theirs...

For me... Coming Here Reading all the Strength & Hope out of those Before me! Truly Helps me Daily Deside what I Can Handle, and What I Can not live with! We all are our Own Individuals and We All have to make our Own Choices, even the Tough ones sometimes...

This Program is For YOU! About YOU! And to Help you learn what it is You Can & Can Not Live with in your Life! And I have Found that when I am Honest With Myself about what My Problem is with others, I Can then Be Honest with them, and hand them to their OWN HP! And Me stay Put with Only Mine! Please Take what you Like & Leave the Rest... I Do Hope that You Continue to Keep Coming back because as you can see... the Support is AMAZING ... And We Need you as much as You Need Us ;)

Friends in Recovery

Jozie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.