The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There are a lot of family dynamics in your post. I found with working the steps in Alanon I could determine my own part in what was happening in my relationships with others. I didn't have to accept shaming. I am an acceptable person who doesn't need to live up to any other human beings expectations. I hope you're able to attend Alanon meetings near you or online here, that you see some benefit to them. For me there is always someone in a meeting who says something that hits home for me and I feel less alone. Mostly, I've found a god of my own understanding that loves me unconditionally so alcoholics - the false gods in my life are no longer up on pedestals. Active alcoholics can't stand up to self love. Hard as it may seem now, someday you may find your father's opinion of you falling way back in the shadows and self love taking center stage. A loving Alanon sponsor is one of cherished gifts I've found in this program. Keep coming back, you're worth it. You're lovable and acceptable as you are. Hugs. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 2nd of November 2012 03:53:54 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 2nd of November 2012 03:56:01 PM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Ever since I was young, the A in my life (father) has been up high on a pedestal. I always assumed when he wasn't drunk that he was always right and how could anyone ever dislike him?
I've carried this into my adult life and it is so hard to stop. He has always been a nagger/criticizer and still is. It really drags down my self-esteem and I am working on separating his comments from the reality of the situation.
I still struggle with detaching, and this may be what I need to do. But I don't know *how* to detach. When he says something hurtful, I just walk away, but it still gets to me.
He is a good person in his own way. He admits himself that he has much to work on, but I need to stop idolizing him. I always feel so small around him, like the little girl I was years ago.
There are a lot of family dynamics in your post. I found with working the steps in Alanon I could determine my own part in what was happening in my relationships with others. I didn't have to accept shaming. I am an acceptable person who doesn't need to live up to any other human beings expectations. I hope you're able to attend Alanon meetings near you or online here, that you see some benefit to them. For me there is always someone in a meeting who says something that hits home for me and I feel less alone. Mostly, I've found a god of my own understanding that loves me unconditionally so alcoholics - the false gods in my life are no longer up on pedestals. Active alcoholics can't stand up to self love. Hard as it may seem now, someday you may find your father's opinion of you falling way back in the shadows and self love taking center stage. A loving Alanon sponsor is one of cherished gifts I've found in this program. Keep coming back, you're worth it. You're lovable and acceptable as you are. Hugs. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 2nd of November 2012 03:53:54 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 2nd of November 2012 03:56:01 PM
Thanks!!!
I've been attending f2f meetings for almost 9 months now I've learned so much already.
I'm actually chairing a f2f meeting tonight which is what got me to posting. I am doing criticism as my topic, and started thinking about criticism within my own life and my other issue of thinking of him as perfect.
Fathers are often imposing and dominating figures. Add to that, we all want a "perfect" parent. It's hard to admit that your guide and the person that taught you much of what you know about life may have been flawed and misguided. That leaves you with a bunch of disturbing questions such as "Was I raised right?", "Who do I go to now if he's just an alcoholic?", and "Did any of those criticisms or things he said make sense, or were they just words of an angry drunk?"
The answers are likely in the middle and you'll be forming a vision of your father as a whole person apart from you. That person has weaknesses, frailties, and he is sick with alcoholism. Alanon has the ability to provide you with these insights and to love you in ways that you might not have gotten growing up. With a sponsor, steps, and meetings, you can grow out of the sickness of the disease and be more whole. You can accept your dad with a fuller understanding or you can distance yourself....whatever you need to do to best move forward in your life. It will become apparent.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 3rd of November 2012 08:11:10 AM
I've learned so much already.