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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Relationships (share)
Post Info TOPIC: Relationships (share)
slogan_jim


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Relationships (share)
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Hi everyone, my name is slogan_Jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.

Lately, a lot of my shares have been about relationships, companionship and loneliness. I know it sounds like complaining and self-pity but finding a life partner is something that is very dear to me and I want to use the rooms of this program to help me explore the underlying cause in my lack of success, which I feel is related to my alcoholic father and his drinking. If you are tired of my belly-aching please proceed to another thread.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about some past events and how they are all connected. When I am out, I always feel as though everytime I walk up to a girl I feel like the whole place goes silent. I feel like everyone is just watching me and expecting me to fail, waiting for me to fail, like Ive felt my whole life. Im afraid to fail. From a young age, many of my cousins had girlfriends/boyfriends as young as 13-14 years old. Anytime an uncle would ask if I had one, my dad would tell people hes not into girls, as though he was poking fun of me and putting me down. That wasnt right. Later in life, friends would make the exact same comments. Because I didnt have a girlfriend or didnt go from bar to bar looking to get laid. I was always afraid of failure. My family and my family history is full of failing. Failed marriages, failed sobriety, and ultimately, failed lives. When you are always being told that you are just not into women, guess what? You begin to think that maybe everyone has a point. They cant all be wrong, can they?

For the record, I love women. I always have. I love having sex with women. I dont care to take advantage of them when they are drunk and I dont care to fake it till I make it because I have always found that fakers do get exposed. Yes, it means Ive had less sex in my lifetime than I likely could have but I dont feel that is an accurate threshold of judging ones accomplishments, as so many other do.

There is one instance that sticks out in my mind that hurt me deeply. When I was about 25, a friend tried to set me up and every time me and this girl would be at the same place, I would walk up to her and talk. I would begin to talk, the entire room would go silent. It was extremely awkward and unfair. She then wound up with another guy in our social circle and I was then left humiliated and hurt for everyone to see. I felt like a giant failure. From that point I have always been afraid to approach women when i am around this group of friends. I was reminded about it for many months after that. From that point on, people would make the same comments that resonated in my youth. Do you even like girls? Jim is asexual

I lost a lot of my self-confidence in that moment and its taken me a lot of time to build back up. I find that because others have judged me and beat me up, that lead to me judging and beating myself up. I was told from a very young age that my behaviour demonstrated that I just wasnt into girls and every time I tried to show otherwise I got embarrassed. I understand my father did what he could with what he knew. I never knew his father but he also sounds like a man that would make my dad feel inferior. He would tease and poke fun, just like my dad would.

Thank You for listening.

 

 



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Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

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Jim for me the fear of failure feeling always sunk me before I tried.  Also "thinking" that everyone was focused on me and what I was doing wasn't anywhere near the truth...It was another False piece of Evidence that Appeared Real.  That I chose the wrong women to have a relationship with was real evidence.  I needed to do things differently including making those choices.   And then I had to learn that there wasn't even one woman out there that would meet all or most of my needs sent me into the rooms to meet my own.  I am married today and in a marriage that has lasted longer than the two before it.  This marriage works with the tools of the program including forgiveness, detachment, acceptance, compassion, mercy, understanding, reasonable expectations, unconditional love, sex when it is mutual and appropriate and never without love, and with all of the other tools there remains one necessity for me that is most important...That I have a relationship with my Higher Power which is stronger than the one I have with my spouse.  I believe that this last item keep me "into" the marriage the way my Higher Power wills me to be and so far it seems that belief is accurate.

You can concentrate on failures or focus on successes...do a balanced inventory on it and stick with the successes.   When ever there is another person in the room...it's a relationship.

((((hugs))))...keep coming back.  smile



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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Jim do you have a dog? Or know someone that does? Nothing is more attractive to some nice women than a guy with a dog. I met some of the coolest guys this way. You have something mutual to talk about. There is no pressure. I completely understand what you mean.

When you first meet someone its good to go to a movie or play or something you can talk about afterwards.

Volunteering at what you enjoy is a fun way to meet people too. Its more natural.

Sometimes we think too much. Sometimes when we are involved in something, we just naturally find that person.

hope this helps some, hugs, debilyn



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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rehprof


~*Service Worker*~

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SJ.

Thank you so much for this thread. I am struggling with loneliness and dating too.

My ex was verbally abusive, and the guy I had a relationship with right after the divorce didn't do much for my ego or body image (I won't go into details).

I could have sex all the time, but what I want is to be loved and cherished...but I can't help feeling that I'm not ENOUGH for a man...if I was just pretty enough, smart enough etc etc..then men would want to be with me long term..not just for sex. 

My counselor says that each time I try a relationship, I am learning (I never dated before I was married, I married my A at 19). Yet I just feel discouraged -- and that there is something wrong with me...and that I will never find someone who will love me the way I deserve and want. I'm so afraid of being hurt again...I went through a terrible heartbreak with the guy I dated right after the divorce...I'm scared and lonely too.

keep posting...it helps...and it gives me permission to post too.

all best, 

RP



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DavidG


~*Service Worker*~

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I did not have social skills, period. Not just woth girls, and later, women, but with everyone and everything.

I used to joke that I was a tree-hugger, and that was a sick joke because that was about all I was left with!

It does gets better, Slogan-jim...

looking for that love that  was lacking in my home doesn't work... its a good hope and a dream... but Alanon is a great ally to air and accept those needs for family- for respect and for trust.

 

cheers, mate... DavidG.



-- Edited by DavidG on Friday 2nd of November 2012 02:19:54 PM

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pinkchip


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I had those comments growing up. I even had my best friends stop hanging out with me because they thought I was gay. My own family started making jokes and calling me gay around the dinner table.

Those insults and the taunting were pretty bad because what they were saying was actually true. For my entire childhood I prayed and wished to not be developing into what I knew was happening.

I led my life as a victim of these circumstances for a long time and finally it just broke and I shed that version of me about 4 years ago. It wasn't working any more. I did go through a period of a year where I was intensely scared to change. In my 2nd year in the program (I say the program because it's AA not Alanon - though the journeys are not entirely different), I actually focused hard on stepwork and actually acting differently. I worked those middle steps (4 through 9) to the best of my ability. I didn't want to cling to having any of the same defects. It all unfolded naturally. I started going to the gym, lost weight, valued myself more...I wound up getting a better job. I don't know how it all happened exactly. I just know that I made a conscious decision that I wanted more out of life. I mourned the old me for a year or more...then started making radical changes.

My point is, I could be the most angry or sad person in the world. That taunting and teasing was just as hurtful or WORSE when I actually was gay. I spent a long time angry at the world and at God for making me gay, giving me issues with depression, then an alcohol problem....I was like "What next!!!!???" I truly thought I was selected to suffer worse than Jesus (read Martyr complex). It took some serious stepwork and a radical psychic shift to step out of that suffering role.

I'm not perfect and not trying to come off high and mighty. What I want to say is that I suffered with some of the same insecurities and woes that you are talking about and I changed radically through doing the steps. My sponsor had me do them "experientially" which meant committing to doing things that would accentuate my assets and combat my fears and not only praying to my HP to remove the defects. To only pray for your defects to go away is like screaming "be gone!" to a stubborn wart or something. It wont work. You have to be willing to have your insecurity, self doubt, pity, and fear removed AND you have to be painstaking enought to ACT different. I supsect you are already on this path because posting and talking about it is different than just doing nothing. Next, you and your sponsor can come up with ways to act differently as well. That's what comes from really really working those middle steps. By step 3 you lay yourself out before your higher power and say "do with me whatever you will" and you really really commit to letting go of your past, how it may have hurt you and you let your HP take you towards what you were meant to be.

Just keep working your program, but challenge yourself. Step outside your comfort zone. Your posts do reflect the serenity to accept things you can't change (the past - your father's alcoholism). Next you have to have the courage to change the things you can (your self-image, how you act around peers, around females), then after acting differently and knowing where you come from, you gain a wisdom of what works for you and what doesn't (the wisdom to know the difference) whereas you didn't really know before because you were too scared to act differently.

Keep trying Jim. Your HP wants you to have all you want including a loving spouse. You have to work for it and to become the person that will attract your ideal mate. That's your task.


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