Hi willowtree,
glad lee is right there is no rush when working your steps. I would never of been able to take the ones I've taken at a week at a time. We are all individuals and some will find some steps easier or more difficult than others. I too am an adult child and I would have found it incredibily hard to "rock the boat" by tells my sponsor things are moving too fast. Luckily for me my sponsor told me that we take the steps at my pace. She also told me that I can choose anyone I think appropriate to do my step 5 with, that it does have to be a sponsor..it could be a cleric, Al-Anon friend, therapist..etc..just as long as I trust them and they aren't my A's or family members who are equally affected by the disease.

Now that I have more confidence & trust in the programme I feel I could tell my sponsor if I felt hurried. For me it's very very important to really accept each step and understand it before I can move onto the next. I believe my HP is guiding me in how long each step takes, in that it takes as long as it takes. I was literally months working step 2 and my sponsor supported me offering E,S&H when I asked and staying silent when I needed time to think. If I was pressured into conforming to a timetable I don't think it would have worked for me.

Whatever message our HP sends us about the reality of working the steps to a timescale, we need to listen to it's message (for me it'll be in my heart) once we've heard what our HP thinks, then we need to gather the courage to act on it. If your HP tell you you should do a step a week so be it, but if your HP tells you it's too fast for you than have a chat with your sponsor and tell them what message your HPis sending you.

I wish you well on your journey, Take care of yourself and listen to the wee small voice whispering in your ear.
Jane xx

I have definitely been down the road of wanting a perfect sponsor and experiencing abandonment and pangs around them. The issue for me was the abandonment that I felt was related to the childhood issues.  I certainly went through a lot in therapy too over having a therapist be "there" for me. I can tell you it is possible to work through all those things but it doesn't happen overnight and the person who has to do the work is you.  Of course we would all like the perfect enviornment to get into recovery in.  I wanted a sponsor on call day and night.  Most of the time with sponsors I was really aware of how unavailable they were. In fact the ideal mileu for working the steps is indeed to have a person who isn't available for you because then you have to sit with all those uncomfortable feelings and work on them.  Of course no one wants to hear that at the time they are doing it.  The ideal person to work with is in fact someone who isnt at our beck and call but for me that meant facing tremendous abandonment issues that were really crippling to deal with.  Over time I did indeed face them but most of the time I was dealing with them I felt absolutely suffused in resentment, rage and bewilderment of ever getting someone to understand me.  Many of us do more than one 4th step I dont think it has to be a perfect step each and every time.  Of course whatever comes up isn't exactly what any of us want to deal with. Who likes reality?  That's why we are around alcoholics right?

I feel for you at this but actually whatever you are dealing with is perfect for working through all the things that held you to an alcoholic/addict. For me abandonment issues were huge. I would rather stay stuck to someone really dysfunctional than deal with those feelings I felt they would destroy me.  Of course we also have the option of working through our feelings with a therapist, within a group with recovery friends.  There is no maxim that in order to work the steps we have to do it in a specific way under a specific time table.  I have met people who felt that everyone should work the steps in their designated fashion.  They were adamant about it.  I don't believe there is a time dated stamp in the big book or indeed a explicit instructions. Some people never attended a meeting and worked the steps on their own.  Everyone has to find their own way but the most important thing is to want to get better and out of the way of self destructive behavior. That's the key element that will find you working through this time period.

Maresie.

We come into the program being ruled by our feelings and we also think our feelings are so unique and nobody else can understand them. More realistically, your sponsor isn't validating them as much because she sees some elements of self-pity in them. She doesn't want you to suffer so she doesn't validate you being a victim any longer. It may come off as cruel and like she's hard and a black and white thinker. But it sounds to me like she may be just what you need. Yes, you want to retain some of you sentimental, sensitive, and intuitive traits, but you also DO want what she has which is not to be so tortured by your feelings right? Don't take her inventory so much. Imagine how she must have come into alanon. Do you think she was black and white and not emotional then? I bet not. I bet she was a crying mess like most folks when they first come in. Some folks take sponsoring a little too seriously perhaps and they only offer solution and don't believe in listening to "venting" or endorsing any dramatics. That being said, I wanted more of a connection with my sponsor so I found someone I could trust and we went from there.

You are never going to be "done" with these steps. They are an introduction to a way of life. As you continue in your journey, you will know which step to apply to various life problems. You will catch yourself acting in certain ways and then you will use the knowledge you accumulated from working the steps to act differently. Hence, you want to be thorough in doing the steps, but you are committing to live by these spiritual principles and really you are just learning them rather than "doing" them for the first and only time. Knowing that, it's easy to see how you really cant mess them up cuz you'll be living them forever.

Best wishes for your journey!