No, you don't change your behaviors for her unless it feels right FOR YOU! I enjoy a glass of wine sometimes and yes, sometimes I feel that same disdain for alcohol. If you don't want a beer, don't have one. It's as simple as that. I currently don't drink in front of my AH because the subject is too contentious between us right now. I will have a glass when out with friends or at a wine tasting and sometimes I have 1 glass at home with dinner while he's away traveling. I'm not a big drinker and usually only have 1 of whatever I'm drinking. I'm scared to death of driving under the influence, always have been since I was in high school. When I was in college, my sorority sisters made me the designated driver on a regular basis because I hated being drunk so I would stop after 2 beers or 1 cocktail.

Anyway, my point is that you need to do what you want for you. Can you talk to your wife about your own drinking? Does she admit it's a problem for her? I can't remember the details of your story with her at this point, but some alcoholics understand that they have the problem, not you. I am not at that point in my marriage, though, where I can do that.

The way I see it, you shouldn't have to change your whole life around just in an attempt to keep the A sober. Because we all know that doesn't work.  But if your experience with alcohol has left you newly alert to the powers and dangers of it, your perspective on drinking might naturally be different.  You might be warier of carefree drinking and getting drunk.  A lot of people are not wary, and some of them are fine, but some of them fall into the clutches of alcoholism.  When I'm out with a group of people and everyone's drinking, I notice things I didn't notice before.  The guy in the corner who keeps ordering after everyone has stopped, or the guy who says "I loaded up ahead of time so I can start happy!"  Before, I wouldn't have given them a second thought. But now I think, "They're walking mighty close to the danger zone there."  Maybe they're already in it.  It's like that movie "The Matrix" -- once you have the extra knowledge, you can't go back to being ignorant again.  What you do with that knowledge depends on so many factors.  But I think that while you wouldn't want to live your life just by what your A does, you can make decisions for you based on having the larger perspective.

 

I just love the discussion when it comes to this as I filter it thru my own experiences as an drinker; alcoholic; child growing up with both sides of the family altered by drugs and alcohol; as a spouse of an alcoholic/addict, as a behavioral health therapist working in a multi-level rehab both in and out patient and as a counselor in the CA school districts and of course here.

Simply put for me alcohol isn't a food source...it is a conjured up mind and mood and behavior alterer which is soooo powerful that is is described as a solvent, anesthetic, synergistic chemical carrier (it's used with other chemicals to increase the effect of them and itself); it has powers even the alcohol industry will not publically advertise.

Best caveat that was ever given to me (after I was sober for years) came from another sober member of the program who decided to tell me an event he was at with his family one sunday after church.  It was a birthday party he was dreading going to because his family drank...like always...and even remembered his old brew of choice...he knew he was gonna be hand it at the door and for weeks he just dreaded going however it was a respected older family members party.  He let go of worrying about it and turned it over to his HP and kept on keeping on.  He had been sober for years by this time and the party date came due.  Sure enough he went with his son and daughter and just as sure enough there was his cousin standing at the open front door with his old brew of choice in his hand.  "Here you go Mike...just like you like it" the cousin said to which Mike responded...."No thanks I've had enough".  I was just as astounded at what he told me as he was astounded that the words came up on his lips without thought. 

"No thanks I've had enough" I didn't say when I stopped drinking and I can't remember when I stopped.  I do remember my attitude thought though when It happened...I was just soooo tired of having much of my major life center around booze...no matter what I called it and all of the troubles that came with it on all levels, physical health, mental and emotional health, marriages, jobs, finances, life choices.   It affected every part of me and then I learned in college that that is what it does affects everything it comes in contact with.   I am powerless and I'm done..."No thanks I've had enough"...Mahalo Nui Michael...where ever you're at.   

Just saying...((((hugs))))

As others have said, this subject has come up on the board many times, and the answer is different for everyone. For me, I stopped drinking entirely about 18 months ago. Partly because I wanted my children to ALWAYS have someone around who was NEVER under the influence. Partly because I was never a big drinker, and it was never important to me. Partly because my AH would often say "it's OK for you to have a margarita, but I can't have a beer?!?" and I just didn't want that drama disrupting my serenity. I don't miss it at all. If my AH and I split up, I plan to continue to not drink. It's just not important to me. But that's just me.