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I'm looking for help I'm so lost and alone atm, my hub drinks every weekend to the point he can't talk in the morning, he stays up all night drinking and on the computer. Over the 13 yrs I have learnt to stay out the way and to not say anting that will upset him. I have talked to him when he is sober on how I feel and his temper with the drink. He tells me you smoke and I don't say anything to you! I have 2 children in the middle of all of this and really don't want them thinking this is how life is or should be I want better for them. I just wish I don't still love him but I do and that makes this harder because it hurts when he drinks and his temper is not good although he has never hit me.
I'm finding my self emotionally detaching from the relationship to stop getting hurt but this is not good. He is not happy with our sex life but I don't feel loved so I don't want to have sex atm is this wrong? I just don't see thing changing and he won't talk to anyone it's privet he tells me but I feel so alone and very unsure on what to do.
I went to the doctor they advised me to seek help but I got annoyed at this because I felt its me making allowances again for his problem!! The doctor also advised me my husband is a binge alcoholic, I did get hub to go to his doctor who told him he didn't have a problem with drinking. So confused and in need of help
Just wanted you to know that I do feel your pain, I was with a drinker and cocaine addict before my partner now and I tried every trick in the book to get him to stop, I now know that its his problem and there's nothing i could have said or done to drag him out of that cycle, I wish I had al anon then to make me see that, I have only just found al anon myself and i wish I could tell you the right thing to do, but just know with the help of al anon and getting to meetings and finding a sponsor you can make it, everyone on here are very friendly an have lost more experience at this than i do, but just wanted to you to know we all care and I really hope you find strength hunnie. xxx
Thx for the kind words, I'm struggling to keep my head on if you get what I'm saying! I have tried just not saying anything or even asking how much he is drinking. I try to keep myself out of the way going to friends or taking the children out but he gets upset with this as I'm never home he says! I'm just stuck my older sis tells me it will always be the same while you stay and keep living with it. I have been angry tried calm told him I had enough and even had a time I thought I had lost myself, I don't want to leave him as I still feel I love him but mentally I don't know how much of me can keep going on.
There's a saying we use around here and in Al Anon sometimes: He(she) is going to drink, what are YOU going to do?
Welcome to MIP. My AH is a binge drinker as well. He does not drink every day nor does he get out of control every time he drinks, therefore he will tell you that he doesn't have a problem. Yet, it's a problem for ME and that's why Al Anon works for me. My AH got an extreme DUI back in February, claimed he was done drinking forever but I found him drinking again 2 months later. It's a constant cycle. There are times when he blacks out and he'll admit he has a problem, then he'll travel for work and drink again, and proclaim that I'm the one with the problem and that he's just fine. He was able to have 3 beers and be just fine with that. He drives rental cars when he travels but he's on an ignition interlock license so technically it's against the law to drive ANY car that doesn't have that device. Yet, that doesn't stop him from drinking and driving the rental cars. It's insanity, they don't think straight, and you'll learn how to take care of YOU by coming here and by going to Al Anon.
Keep coming back, read as much as you can on here. The book "Getting them Sober", by Toby Rice Drew was my first real eye opener to how to comprehend what Ah's drinking was doing to our family and how to handle things at home as best as I could. My marriage is on life support right now. My AH is angry at me for changing the status quo, for sticking up for myself, for telling him that I don't want to accept unacceptable behavior anymore, but I know that it's the right thing to do for my son. I don't want him to grow up thinking that this is all NORMAL, because it's not. Hugs to you today, it can get better. Be gentle with yourself.
I was once married to a man who was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I spent over 10 years attempting to get him help so our life could get better. One day it hit me, what happnes if he never gets better? That's the day I began my own recovery program. Books, meetings, DVD's and just about anything that provided me courage and strength I needed to love him but feel like I was able to leave the realtionship if I needed to. It was a daily effort. I had little education and three children and the idea of leaving sounded impossible and scary.
Make a list of little things that you can do for yourself. A bubble bath, baking cookies, reading a magazine... something that gives you joy (and has nothing to do with him). Try to do one of those things on your list everyday. Think of it as a little gift to yourself. Doing this won't result in a drastic change but it will be the beginning to start putting yourself first, and that can result in your healing - regardless if he's drinking or not.
I too have been in those Very Shoes, for My Husband is also a Binge Drinker... But I Must also add that "I" Am an Alcoholic, and am Now 2yrs Sober! :) And I have to say, when I Was Drinking it wasn't as Noticable, but since i have been sober, I have had the chance to see both sides of the coin... Is this a Disease? Absolutely! Are the Choices their own? Absolutely! Thats what makes this a Baffling & Cunning Disease!
This Program was made up for People sitting Right were you are, to grab back ahold of Life, and do what best Suits YOU & Your Children! I'm Still with my Husband, and since I Quit he has done better! He now Takes his Binges away from our home and they are few and far between... Am I Convinced it wont happen again.. Not at ALL... But I Now Know if it does, I have the Tools, and The Power to Not be Near as Effected by it! And Al-Anon gave that to me!
MIP was my first board I found when I Lost my AFather to this disease, and there is so many here that have lifted me on my bad days, and celebrated with me on my good ones! The KEY to this Program is too: "Keep Coming Back!" AND... Find the Local Face to Face Meetings in your Area, and Check them out... We Ask that you go to 6 meetings before you deside if Al-Anon is for you, and there is Not Cost, Not Obligation and all you have to do is Show up! YOU ARE WORTH IT! So Give yours the Gift of Al-Anon, and let it work for you in your life and your childrens... I have been here for 4years now, My Marriage is Better, My Relationship with my young son has grown stronger, and I Feel Good about who & what I am! All of that I got here! They gave me back my breathe that I had thought had left me long ago...
Thx all of you it great to have a little understanding with it all. I told my ah I had joined the group he just look at me as though I had 2 heads. I am greatfull for the support as I don't have a support network we move around alot with AH job, we are due to move early march which scares me it will be back to just us and no friends to just escape to. I am t total and have been for a long time I will have a glass but not often, if I buy a bottle it gets drunk on top of his drink, so I my head if I don't buy it he can't drink it. Some times I feel as though I'm just blowing it up and being silly but to read all other posts makes me see it is a problem even if it is just mine, it's still a problem to me. I want to fix me for me and my children they mean the world to.
Thx for all your support its a life line for me ;0)
hi carlisle i understand what your going through .. my AW is a binge drinker and can drink up to 6 weeks at a time... me and her are currently seperated and have been for the past month and she is still drinking.. ive been on this forum for that month and reading everyones supportive messages and life stories with A'S has kept me going through this tough time.. i understand what its like to feel lonely with your A and lonely without your A.. for me i tried everything, but the best advice ive had was on this forum ... im so gratefull for everyone on here and without them id prob lose my mind. i was advised to look after myself and take it a day at a time and to remember what can I change and what can i control. look after myself the best i can because i cannot change anyones drinking but i can change myself also a book that i was advised to read was geting them sober you can get this for free online .... it really helps
I just joined the forum now, but I have been visiting here for several months. This is my first post.
I know exactly what you are going through. So does everyone else here. I would second reading the book "Getting Them Sober". It will give you peace and understanding.
I have been married 18 years. My AW has abused pot, cocaine, and in the last 6 years alcohol for about 15 years. I am a physician and in the beginning I was in denial, codependant, and the like. Then I thought I would just tough it out for the kids' sake. Then I began to detach due to the emotional abuse I suffered, and our marriage continued to fall apart. We lived separated but under the same roof for 4 years. Finally I moved out. My children, 17 and 15, have been affected no doubt, but to what extent I am unsure. They are great kids, "A" students, and are my joy.
What you have to understand is that you are not crazy. You are valuable and deserved to be loved and respected. Educate yourself about alcoholism, read these boards, go to AlAnon, and learn to take care of yourself. You cannot control his drinking. He is in denial. He will not validate your concern. You will learn that what is good for you is good for him, meaning that when you take care of yourself and let go of his problem, he will be left to face it alone, and will be closer to accepting help.
I feel for you. There is hope, for you, if you take care of you. He may never stop drinking, so what are YOU going to do?
Geo
-- Edited by Geo on Saturday 24th of November 2012 08:08:16 PM
