The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have truly seen how insane my thinking is! The last week or so I can see I have started shutting down and slipping into old behaviours. Isolating and not communicating. I'm not even sure why.
But I saw my insantity last night so I think that is progress. I ended taking my 4 year old out with me to avoid my abf (who is supposidly not drinking, but lives above a pub). Who wanted to have a talk but we were both angry. He has been violent in the past and thats why he moved out.
I asked him to leave and old behaviour came out, ie Im not going, me I'll call the police to that he replies go on then the usual dance we have done so many time. I tried to say dont want to talk now but like a dog with a bone he still wanted to.
The result was me taking me and my boy out of the situation. I ended up driving out of town to a view point above, with little battery on my mobile phone storm rolling in and letting my child play with the elec windows (how bloody insane). The last bit of my battery nearly all used speaking or should i say listening to the abf saying he was out of the house. No guess where he was...yep in the pub. Anyway back to my insanity, turned the engine and nothing! By this time the wind has picked up. Rang a taxi firm who said without a specific address they couldn't book a job. ( I am proud to say though I didnt lose it, and abuse the poor girl on the end of the phone..progress is suppose! lol).
So out of the car and a long walk back down this bloody hill, in the wind and darkness carrying my beautiful son as he was so tired after trick or treating. Thank goodness there was hospitol a&e with a freefone. (I forgot my purse), got a taxi and we got home. My lil boy was so brave.
I got into bed and step 2 came into my head, I thought I was so getting this step, quite smug of me. But I realise my actions and thoughts that led to me being on that hill with no money, no battery on phone or car was insanity.
I also know I am so scared still real fear in my guts now as im typing...this means I havent got faith in my heart, I feel like a fraud, I thought I had come so far from the last couple of months, but I realise i carry so much fear my last partner was so hateful and crazy that i feared for my life, and 8 years later I still carry that fear and its combined with the alcoholics nastiness and abuse when he was in blackout. I have so much resentment and fear all combined from all sorts of past behaviours its overwhelming me. I dont know that I am even praying right..lol.
So despite the fear I need to hit my programme hard and start from step 1.
Thanks to you all that read this, I think just putting it down for you all to see will help me.
Love Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
Simone, I've come to realise the my recovery is a very slow process. I live with my partner (not an A) and find myself raging against him sometimes and I don't even know how I got there. I think I'm progressing, then I see I'm doing the same old things again but nobody has ever told me this is an easy programme or a fast one. I take comfort when I see that I have made progress no matter how small and just for today I am glad when I realise I'm doing the same old dance, like you said at least we know we're doing it now. I never know if I'm praying right either but then I think my HP is extremely intelligent so it doesn't matter how I pray because it understand.
I actually don't think that is insane behavior. I think its perfectly normal to put oneself out of harms way when you are dealing with someone going after you.
There isn't a perfect solution to dealing with someone who is so abjectly out to destroy themselves. At one period I had to shut off my phone entirely to stop the now ex A from calling me. Taht cost me in terms of my employment. People couldn't reach me and they drew conclusions that were not accurate.
Naturally there are a lot of opinions/feelings when we are confronting our history. I do not think it is a time to take a stick and beat ourselves up althought hat is probably the norm. The thing is to get back to being able to take care of yourself. Whatever you did with your son he was never in harms way he was taken care of by a loving and kind mother. I doubt he even felt he was in danger.
Please be kind to yourself. Being around an alcoholic on a binge is not something that is easy to manage.
