The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I say "suppose" because sometimes it's hard to see it's progress at the moment but I think this is. I have time to digest it.
So the exRBF and I have been spending time together but he's aware its a different level. I'm working on me and can I continue to focus on my program and learn the things I need to and still be around him. He has been working very hard, doing his thing with his meetings, sponsor, steps, etc. He made it 80 days.
Yeah that sentence says a lot. He and a friend went to "rescue" a buddy who relapsed and asked for help. Details unnecessary he was clearly not ready for it. He had a half pint (for him that's nothing) and then came over (we'd discussed dinner). He came in, within a few minutes I knew. This time though he looked at me, I looked at him and it was clear without words what was going on.
I don't have any idea if what I did was "right, wrong or other" but it felt ok. I basically just said to him "how you handle this makes a big difference for you and for me. In a perfect world you will just admit it and ask for help and not let shame and ego get in the way. But it's not my decision." He started to lie then came clean almost instantly, then started to say the typical "I don't need detox" and then said "no, that never works either" and then he called someone to come get him and take him in. Two friends came and picked him up and he's at the VA.
And I'm ok. I'm not worrying which is odd and I'm not sitting here over analyzing it or fretting over what to do next. In fact tomorrow is a potluck at work, I went to work making my meatloaf in the shape of a brain, ready to bake in the morning bright and early, dealth with an over-tired cranky 9 year old who needed early bedtime, cleaned up from dinner/cooking, etc, laundry, getting ready for Halloween.... it's all good.
I'm sure I'll talk to him in a few days and figure it out from there. I admit at first when I knew I was a ball of nerves, I went off for a moment to gather my thoughts and I focused on my boundary (he has to go) and compassion (the part I'm not very good at sometimes). I didn't have to say a lot, when he first started off with the lie, I just looked at him quietly and said nothing. He paused then came clean. I think at most I said 6 sentences through the entire episode, it lasted maybe 10 minutes and then he packed up his few things he'd brought and waited for his friends.
And now I'm working my program, I tend to be an over eater (had weightloss surgery it was so bad). I"d bought dessert being in a good place earlier tonight and I can now do moderation very well. Given the circumstances I opted not to break open the ice cream and I think I'll make myself some chai tea instead :) And go read my book.
No idea what's next except for enjoying Halloween tomorrow and I made an extra meatloaf for dinner for the family tomorrow night :) The boys love my meatloaf LOL.
Wow! In all my years of practicing being in recovery I never said anything as eloquent and full of serenity as what you said when your BF came in! That is so inspiring!
And you didn't even succumb to the ice cream. That is some pretty powerful recovery. Of course you're somewhat unnerved by it all -- who wouldn't be? But I hope you can see what an amazing hold you have on balance and emotional health. That is just so inspiring!
I think giving myself the chance to regroup, stop, think before reacting is something I've been learning with my kids for years. It also allowed me to have that inner chat with my HP and honestly I'm convinced my HP led me on how to handle it. Being tough love is not hard for me, it's easy for me, it's doing so with love and compassion that's hard sometimes. I'm at work today, we're having fun seeing costumes and pajamas and there are 4 potlucks going on and it's a good day. I'm hoping things went well for him last night but I'm not fretting if they didn't.
Thanks for the encouragement, improving how I relate to others has been a big mission for me, starting with my kids after I left a really dysfunctional environment and now with even my parents, or my relapsed friend and ironically even with my ex who still triggers me and I have to struggle so hard to relate to.
It sure makes my life easier when I drop the gloves and fists and try another way. When I stopped fighting with my ex over money and accepted that he can't be the parent I want him to be, when I stopped assuming the worst with my kids, when I started accepting my kids as they are - things have slowly gotten more relaxed. Now with this friend, I suppose I find out if this is a disease I can live with or not. For now I'd like to try, I'll know if I get to a place where I can't and I feel strong enough to handle that well.
I owe a lot to this board and the shares of others who have helped me see other ways to do things.
