Like growing up in any type of home, we develop patterns. Patterns of thinking, doing and reacting.  The Al-anon program has allowed me to work on breaking some of those patterns. Through my sharing and service work, I have been able to gain the confidence and self-esteem that I always wanted. However, I am finding that I am only able to break these patterns and be the real me around new people I encounter because they are truly meeting the real me and not the damaged me putting on a persona. I havnt been able to grandfather my mentality to my current friends.

When they met me, they met me as the damaged me. I was sad, angry, confused, depressed, under the spell of the alcoholic. I had no confidence in myself and my abilities. My self-worth was non-existent. I never showed a large amount of confidence or assertiveness. I didnt come from a successful family , a connected family or even a hopeful family. I came from an alcoholic family. A hopeless family. An angry and defeated family. I was set to embark on the 4^th generation. Nothing much was ever expected of me from the world, or myself. This was especially true when it came to women. I deemed myself unworthy of a loving partner and relationship. I didnt want to bring another person into the grand mess that was me and my life at the time. I didnt know how to talk to women. I never learned to date. Life growing up was about preserving my sanity and surviving, not dating and having fun like it was for so many others.

Then I found this program. Since then, I went back to school. Got a well-paying job that allows me to be independant. I have spoken and told my story in front of small crowds of about 30 people. This program has worked for me. I was able to break those patterns in certain areas of my life. I cant seem to do it around certain people. When I am around my friends, its as though I morph back into the meek, sad, and low-confidence person I was of years past. As if my mind then knows its role around certain people and as though I am afraid to change around them out of fear that I will fail. It is expected that I am to fail. Thats what my family history and previous circumstances dictated.

When Im on the train, I speak with people all the time. I walk right up and introduce myself. At Al-Anon meetings, I am able to walk right up to people and introduce myself and people do the same. In the working world, I cold call higher ups in my company just to chat. They are very receptive. But when I am around this group of friends, I have a hard time walking up to women and saying hi and talking to people. Its also almost as if they dont bother to introduce me to any because I give off some vibe that I am not interested. I am a confident guy as outlined by all the things I just outlined but they dont get to see this guy. The REAL me.