The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working a lot these days on the kinds of outbursts I used to have around the ex A and indeed which i can still have in my life. For me being around people who are using in different ways is a real source of boundary making that sometimes I don't know how to do. In a few weeks a manager who is rife with dysfunctional behavior, favoritism and more is about to return to where I work. Some of her actions can unnerve me. One of the core triggers for me is being around someone with a demanding urgency (needless to say the manager has this). For the now ex A every thing he wanted was urgent and of course any of my needs and concerns (even when I was at deaths door in a hospital) were trivial in comparision. His health issues were urgent and his financial issues were urgent and his anxiety and concerns were all urgent and needed my absolute immediate attention and nothing less would suffice. I am sure most of my life I have existed on a similar plane because I definitely have felt that gnawing sense of urgency a lot of the time. I have many amends to make about my urgency which I foisted on others. I think one of the reasons people like the manager at work bother me is that I have not come to terms with where my urgency took me and how obnoxious it was and still can be. I certainly know the ex A's sense of urgency used to drive me into fits of anger, frustration and to be completely boundaryless. I also know that for me when people don't respond when I feel one of my issues is urgent I feel absoltuely abandoned and over time enraged. The truth is I abandon myself at such times and resent deeply that whoever I am convinced needs to help me lets me down. Why would I hand my entire serenity over to anyonje else to decimate I don't know now. But that was pretty routine for me much of my life.
Lately I have been able to practice a sense of detachment in my life that wasn't there before. I can let things go that once used to send me into an obsession that would last for days. I can avoid certain people whose behavior I know will trigger a lot of emotions for me. I can avoid them without feeling gulity, resentful or alarmed and have no need to "should" on myself otherwise. I can give myself space I never had before. Of course in order to get to this place I have had to run into many many brick walls of boundary re-making, boundary busting and people pleasing but I did persevere.
The holidays were always a very very difficult time for me. The kinds of expectations, grief and anger I had up there around the spirit of the holidays were so self sabataging and so destructive. I have spent many a holiday mired in resentment, obsession and absolute rage. Now I think I may be able to approach that unavoidable place of peace this year but who knows I am taking it one day at a time.
In the meantime with the manager returning to act out in the only way she knows how I have to watch my reactions to her sense of urgency when and how they arise. Everyt time my boundaries are broached I have to look to myself rather than to blame and resent others for their actions.
Maresie.
-- Edited by orchidlover on Tuesday 30th of October 2012 05:12:22 PM
For me the idea I always had to have an answer right that second really has been a unjust reaction to absolutely irrational situations. Living with insanity is not healthy and it twists and turns how I think.
This year I have had the pressure of everything needs to be perfect because the A in my life in not here to ruin things for me and the kids. That part of the deal is HUGE!! Then I thought hmmm .. that can't be good either .. I am already starting with the expectation of how great it's going to be followed by the underlying expectation it's just not going to workout. I have to let go of all of these expectations the good and the bad so I can just focus on the present.
I have had some very unique opportunities to be grateful every single day the past two weeks and each day I have gotten up with a thankful heart and an attitude of gratitude. What an amazing blessing that has proven to be, I am truly happy even in the midst of adversity that I've been dealing with thanks to the STBAX. That's ok .. because something bigger than me has got my back, in my case my HP is the God of my understanding.
Thanks for this share because it has reminded me how much in the present I need to be not only for me for my kids too!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You sound like you know yourself pretty well Maresie. I have a team member who is like you described. He waits until the last minute and then asks me for something. I recently had a discussion with him about my time and my ability to do my best for him under such time constraints. Basically, I told him if you give me something so last minute I can't guarantee doing a great job with it. It's my sideways way of telling him he needs to respect my time. In general he's very hyper about everything and exhausting to be around and negative. I mostly nod when in a one to one meeting with him, try to guide him back to the reason for the meeting and excuse myself to go back to work on my assignments. So far that's been working.
Sometimes I think recovering can be almost as difficult as not recovering. When we won't let ourselves get sucked into dysfunctional behavior, people don't like us much. Some days there seems to be a fine line between getting along and barely getting by because the dyfunctional coworkers gravitate towards one another and then suddenly you can be dealing with a pack mentality, a whole dysfunctional work culture - at which time, it's time for a new job I think. As much as I can empathize concerning dysfunctional behaviors in the workplace, I can still own my power to keep moving forward with new healthier behaviors and stay well.
You sound like you've really gotten honest and done the inside job concerning boundaries. Thanks for sharing your recovery. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
What a Great Honest & Program Running Share! I too have been at that place of expecting others to fix me and my issues, and NOW always worked better then later... Its a Tough Place to be! You Show so Much Growth in your Share, and I'm always Grateful to come here and see such Honesty and Growth! Thats what helps me take a longer look at myself and My Struggles and helps me Grow by your lessons...
Needed to see this today... When I'm Here and Only have a few minutes I let HP pick for me and today this was just what I needed! Holidays have always made me Nuts as well, and being a Christmas Baby really never helped my Cause! But Since the Journey of Recovery has begun I have Grown so much in learning to let other Own thier Stuff, and Me Keep mine! I Can't say they are Happy about my Boundrys or decission I have made to the holidays, but I have learned to accept that My Needs are Just as Important as theirs and putting myself in debt to be disrespected just don't work for me anymore, So my Holidays now are more focused on the Holiday and not the $$$... Our Family always bought for Everyone at the dinner table, I now get what I can for the kids, and the adults are left to fend for themselves..It has made my Holiday more enjoyable and my life more full focusing on those that Need the Attention and Not those that Demand it! :)
Good luck in your Journey... You are Doing Great ;) Friends in Recovery... One Day at a Time
I would agree that not being sucked into dysfunctional behavior is not exactly popular. When I was Miss People pleaser deluxe I could entertain the idea I was liked. Of course I was not atually respected. Since I have toned down the people pleasing I can't say that I am exactly Ms Popular and Ms Sought after. Every day in so many ways I have to monitor and maintain my boundaries. A former work associate many years ago said he had to patrol his boundaries all the time. I had no idea what he was talking about then but I do find it now essential when I am around most people. I know when I am boundary upped I am less likely to be triggered.
I have to say that I don't think I really do know myself. I had no idea some of my behaviors contributed to my misery. I felt very secured in blaming and resenting and never got much time for
looking at how I behaved. In my last therapy sessions I had huge issues about the holidays (needless to say the agency I had therapy with shut down at Christmas). I once caused a huge fuss when a therapist tried to discharge me at Christmas. I really felt she had abandoned me, little did I know how much I contributed to my own misery at Christmas.
