I go to alanon and am really getting help from it and was recently talking to an old timer in AA who told me that he thinks I am an alcoholic.  I haven't drank in 10 years and don't ever have any desire to.  I did party when I was younger and could get pretty wild and do stupid stuff at times but I have a family now and am a great mom who is focusing on family and going to Alanon.  This man did see me very drunk 10 years ago and so he also said that he has seen me drunk so he knows first hand about me. 

I grew up with alcohol around me everywhere and I had tons of alcoholic boyfriends who I tried my hardest to get to quit drinking.  This man in AA said that I have the low self worth issues that people in AA do and that I am more of an AA'er than an alanoner. I was so shocked that he would say that and I didn't defend myself to him right away because I thought that I needed to think what my response would be.  I told him that if he reads the children of alcholics books he will very much see that it is a common thread to have low self worth, self image, ect  if you are a child of an alcoholic.  Going to alanon meetings I see huge parrallels in behaviors that people have in alanon and AA.   This man also said that he thinks everyone should only use the AA book (this includes alanoners, narcotics anon, ect)  He said that all of these different groups come up with their own books and they should just use AA. 

I am just upset because this is the second time he has told me I am an alcoholic.  He said that he thinks that I am insecure in alanon still because I really dont fit in there and really belong in AA.  Well, I have went to an open AA meeting with my husband  (I married an alcoholic) and I loved everyone and thought it was so great but I knew that I didn't belong there for help.  I am still new in alanon and have so much to learn but this man in AA has really got me upset.  This man has sponsored many people in AA and is a good guy.  My husband told me that he really can say some weird off the wall things and some people just don't know how to take him.  My problem with this whole thing is that my whole life I have always had everyone tell me who I was and I would believe them- I was very shy, gullible, and a people pleaser.  I guess I could just use my alanon tools and take what I like and leave the rest right?  I do have low self esteem and a low self image and I am getting better through alanon....but this thing he said really upset me and I am working so hard to be strong.

In  AA there is also a phrase called taking someone elses inventory.  Of course that is a much easier issue than taking your own.  I think it is incredibly common for an al anoner to be really upset over someone elses's approval, opinions and more.  What I have learned is that I no longer have to defend my actions or background to anyone. 

I have been in 12 step programs for a long long time.  I have been very much party to what some hard liners think and preach.  That doesn't mean one has to go along with their doctrine.  Indeed some people in AA and al anon and other programs have been known to tell people they should get off their medication because it wasn't part of the program.

Being new to any program is a hard thing.  I am shy, feel tongue tied and always an outsider. Going to a meeting full of people that I don't know and who have shared history isn't an easy undertaking.   At the same time its is all good practice.

Detachment is one of the hardest skills to master as a person in al anon.  Trying to get to a place where someone elses opinion doesn't matter to you and can't affect you doesn't happen overnight.  I can assure you though that it does happen with hard work and diligence and it is a great achievement to get there.  There is no reason whatsoever, even with your background, that you can't get to to a point when someone like this man crops up it is a minor inconvenience rather than something that stops y our world.

For me personally when someone can get under the skin of my boundaries like this I have to re-evaluate what I am doing and how much of myself I am putting out there.  I do tend to crave approval and that in itself is a real barrier sometimes to securing boundaries. For so many of us who came from dysfunctional homes getting feedback was like walking through a minefield. Maybe this is why this man is so familiar to you.

Maresie.

Aloha Willow...for me the first promise that was fulfilled in the Al-Anon program comes at the end of our meetings...the closing statement offers "If you keep and open mind...you will find help".  Open mindedness again for me is taking time to look at things and also ask as many people that I will about such things as this event for you.  I used to ask people in the fellowship "What do you think about this or how did you hear how I said such and such or what I said...that takes openmindedness and commitment and willingness to be humble (teachable).  In early recovery there were tons of AAs in the other rooms who use to tell me "you belong in AA" and my response went everywhere from a threat to their being or just plain blowing them off offensively.  I didn't like "them" and some times "they" were called "Big Book" thumpers or AA "Nazis".  I made my choices then and 9 years later made my choice to do a real and honest assessment of my drinking history.  It was at that time and not sooner that I got the information I needed to attend open AA meeting...Today I am a double and my foundation and tap root in recovery is deep in the Al-Anon Family Groups.  Often times alcoholics have told me that "they want what I have" and after qualification on what they want or need I tell them "You can't get that in AA you can get that in Al-Anon and I would recommended it".  These people wanted to get beyond just not drinking and were not able to do it with what AA was offering then.  

Like Glad...I am not "an" alcoholic.  Even though I have worked professionally in the field of recovery I would never claim that I could call a person an Alcoholic.  I've met alcoholics with characters which were beyond reproach and others who I wouldn't spend more than an Aloha with and then move on.  Alcoholism is a disease not a person...some alcoholics wear the term like a badge and a club membership they have trouble living the program in themselves by themselves.

You have acknowledged that you got "had"...you're human I don't know of anyone in recovery either program that is perfect...you have admitted that you got had and sought feedback and support...that Sister is how the program works.   Keep coming back.  Thanks for the share. (((((hugs)))))

People shouldn't walk around in my business blurting their thoughts... is that true?

I actually think they should because they do. In the world I live in, they do it all the time.

And if we are truly honest with ourselves, we will admit that we, too, take others inventory, we get in others business too, of course we do, most of us have insisted our alcoholic "should" stop drinking, was that any of our business? No, but we wanted to control that, so we blurted and in my case I blurted a lot. We are a group of strong-willed, opinionated, over-sensitive, manipulative control freaks. No different than this man.

In my experience, Higher power will use the good and the bad in all of us according to Higher powers will. if someones "defect" or "shortcoming" will help another to grow, Higher power might use it, and its not my place to judge it. Higher power has indeed spoken to me when someone was totally in my business with a bad case of the blurts, was that bad? not at all, it opened my eyes. it may have felt like a brick to the forehead but it got my attention. when I don't pay attention, another sign comes along, Ive noticed I am always being invited to grow because when I crawled into al-anon, I must have told Higher power, "I am ready to wake up." lol!  that is what spirituality is, waking up. And sometimes, its hard to. That's why we have step six, were entirely ready. sometimes Im not ready. and that's okay too.

Of course, sometimes, what others say just rolls off my back because deep down, I know its not true. If something someone said is soooo offensive, heck, there may be some truth to it because the truth hurts, it hurts like hell. I can explore it. I am willing to know the truth, I want to grow. It doesn't have to be so serious, just another opportunity.

I once held a false belief that AAs were low-lifes and I wanted to keep my distance myself from them. The opposite is actually true, today my favorite people on the planet are in Alcoholics Anonymous but you would never even recognize them as "alcoholics." the real low lifes are those still living in dishonesty and denial, the alcoholics who cant admit that they are, still sitting in the bars, driving under the influence. but somehow we just dont have quite the same reaction to those alcoholics, those are our socially acceptable alcoholics.

for some reason, we hate AA. we fear AA. Which reminds me the quote, "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance.   that principle is contempt prior to investigation." 

My experiences are valuable, they invite me to grow. I don't have to be afraid of a simple question or suggestion, that is the disease -  fear. fear. fear. The lesson in this experience is for YOU to know, maybe it's as simple as knowing how it feels to be on the receiving end of the blurts in which case, we learn to treat others how we want to be treated. 

and maybe it's to learn how to shore up your boundaries especially if he has mentioned this MORE than once to you, it is a sure sign of control.   Your sponsor knows you best, let her know.

This is a good thread.

I tend to be easily swayed by others negative oppinions of me also. The result is, if I value them, hold them in high regard, I take it on board and think they are right, which unfortunatley is those people who also is addicted..
But for me now, the challenge is, what have they done or said, in the past that makes them worthy of me believing them? have they ever been hypocritical, rude, insensitive, manipulative or controlling in the past with anyone before?
These questions point now to whether I accept their claims or not.