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My husband is going to meetings faithfully. He has a sponsor and is currently working on step 4. He hasn't relapsed or anything, but the subject of smoking keeps coming up in our relationship. We both quit 2 years ago, but he keeps doing it and then lying about it, and then blaming me for the behavior. When he used drugs, he did the same thing. He actually lied to me for 7 years about his drug use. So, this smoking behavior, it just opens the wound that I'm trying to allow to heal.
The thing is, he gets really, REALLY verbally abusive about it. It just breaks me down. I feel so depleated anymore. I have literally been walking around in a fog since he's done it. He gets seriously abusive and hurtful anytime he feels guilty. Then I get really depressed. Then he acts all apologetic, I somehow get back to normal, then the cycle continues.
I don't know what to do...in black in white, the answer seems obvious. But I keep hoping he'll go through the steps and he'll be kind. He says the fourth step is making him resentful. I dunno.
I dont know what else to say. I am feeling really flat. I don't know where to turn. I could use a friend.
Dear House Cat, Love the name. Welcome I know just how you feel. The last time my Dry Drunk husband went off screaming at me, it just knocked me into bed for a day. But this time I recovered more quickly than before. I say every week I am going to go to the one or two Alanon meetings that are available in my little town. Because that is where I will get help. Reading on here helps me, too. And there are online meetings here, for those adept enough to get into them--I can't seem to manage that. Everyone highly recommends face-to-face meetings and literature. "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews? is high on everyone's list, as is Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. And there are free hand-outs at the meetings. Come and share as often as you like. You'll find lots of friends here. In the meantime, have you thought about not asking him about his smoking? Cause that's just a symptom. His lying and being verbally abusive are much bigger problems for you, yes? And if you don't ask him he won't feel the need to lie, at least about that? I realized most of the screaming fits here begin when husband is on the computer and I ask him a question or ask him to do something, so I think I'm going to quit speaking to him about anything very much when we are in this room--just for my sake. Those of us married to alcoholics tend to try to control them, because they are out-of-control pretty much, unless they get into recovery and really recover. And nobody likes to be the object of that. So I am trying to let go more and more--just for my sake. He isn't my project. I am. Blessings, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I sooooo understand trying to heal from the lies, it's hard to feel safe in a relationship to an alcoholic. I like temple's reply, sometimes I played a part in it by bringing it up, I wouldn't let him forget what he had done. or else I had expectations. and when my expectations aren't met, I become restless, irritable and discontent, I begin to obsess. and then my brain will devise clever little ways to bonk people over the head, trying to force solutions.....
well, my husband would often bonk me back and his retaliation was like your husbands, an all-out assault, devastating blows that put me in bed for days too
We have been affected by alcoholism, we become just as sick, or perhaps sicker. I thought it was all about him changing, I just wanted to go back to my fairy tale dreams for us. I had to learn how to get off that merry go round, but I didnt know how. His disease triggered my disease and vice-versa. Thankfully, I crawled into the rooms of al-anon and learned how to practice something different. All I can control, is me (that's good news!)
You don't mention where YOU are at in the steps, and you don't mention your sponsor. I would like to say this, you deserve those gifts, my friend, you have suffered enough. You have the opportunity to pick up the spiritual kit before you, and pull out of all that alcoholic insanity. This program really works, and I'm so glad you're here to walk this journey with me because I can't do it alone, I need al-anon friends too ((big hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Aloha House Cat...when he lies he is actually saying "I'm afraid". If you want to start a conversation about it ask him what are you afraid of then just listen. You're not his sponsor or therapist or priest...those people he will not abuse, you he will, because you love him and have for a while...he knows it and it doesn't threaten him...you will always be there for him until you learn to be there under fair, honest and just conditions which is not what is happening now it sounds like. How he is treating you at the moment is not about sobriety in the least. I learned how to quit the arena when the abusive language started. I didn't get mad, huffy or defensive, I just stopped participating. You have the ability to do that? Practice it, practice it, practice it. He'll know what you're doing and what his part is in it. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
If you haven't started attending the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area yet...I strongly suggest that you do.
My personal thoughts as a non-smoker who was both married to a smoker (and gave him flack for it for years) and who dated a smoker (and stayed out of it).
We control ourselves, not others. If he chooses to smoke that's his decision. Not a wise one but if he's sober, to me I'd rather have a sober smoker in my house. In addition my guess (having done this) is that he's tired of hearing it so therefore he's hiding it. And ironically we know how well smoking can be hidden, it's clear when they smoke.
Also, AA meetings are rife with smokers and it is a transfer addiction, well known.
I'm sure he doesn't enjoy having the smoking addiction and having been a smoker before I'm guessing you at least identify with that? I never did so I don't identify but have learned to empathise. Just my opinion but in that situation I'd be likely to sit down, declare a truce, commit to staying out of his smoking business (much like we stay out of their sobriety) and that you aren't going to address it any further.
He's going to smoke or not smoke, what are you going to do?
Boundaries are ok. I have a boundary with smokers - not in my house. Anyway just my opinion of the situation and I've noticed that by not addressing it, it's something the other person feels comfortable discussing the desire to quit in my presence. Usually my response has been "you will know when you are ready".
There is a story in the Alcoholics Anonymous big book about a woman with same problem. Her husband smoking again. He smoked and lied about it, she went nuts trying to figure out how to catch him again, how to encourage him to stop, how to... and as a result she was becoming a "crazy maker" in their relationship because she was focused on his smoking instead of living in the gratitude of the freedom he had recently found from alcholism.
The point being made was "first things first".
Let him get through his steps, focus on your own recovery efforts and trust that your and his HP will handle the rest... in time.
Just my two cents
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
The problem with smoking is ME. I was the most addicted smoker you could know. I STILL envy those who smoke. I STILL feel a craving for a cigarette about once a week. I have literally not smoked in two years. If he were to bring it home, I know I would be too weak. This may seem minor to some, I guess. I know the problem is me. I FEEL the problem is that he doesn't respect anything inside of me.
I'm not trying to figure out if he's been smoking. I'm not going out of my way to catch him smoking. I am not doing anything of any of this behavior, nor did I do anything like that when he used either. I came home one day, early, and he was using drugs in my garage, with my kid in the living room.
I know it is really easy to assume things, due to"typical" co-dependent behavior. Sigh.
I have gone to meetings. I haven't gone lately. My reason is social anxiety. I want a sponsor so badly, but I am too afraid to ask anyone, so I run out of the meetings five minutes early, so I don't have to talk to anyone. I am afraid. I feel like a failure.
I usually go on Tuesday mornings. I will try again tomorrow. Thank you everyone.
Mahalo for the honesty house cat and for the memories about reaching out. Fear was my greatest emotional character defect and I had to grow in spite of it and so I learned to be afraid, sometimes mentioned it before I did the thing and then did it in spite of the fear. Another thing I realized was that my life depended on getting help and I wouldn't get it unless I asked for it so then came the simple question "Can you help me...please"? I rarely ever got turned down and never turned down with anger or judgement.
Al-Anon is a spiritual program and for that I am soooo grateful. Practice that question and say it out loud.
Everyone else already made most of the points I would make. I would only add that a newly recovering person is not stable and he/she will do many frustrating things that will baffle you. You are powerless. The most ridiculous statement was that the 4th step gives you resentments. HA! It does the exact opposite.
Basically, those in early recovery are crippled with fear and they look for crutches and excuses to avoid the obvious need to change. You can only pray that the need to change outweighs the need for crutches for him...that this will occur if he continues his work in the program and you have little to do with it.
My experience in AA was this: First I had to focus on alcohol. I quit smoking at 1 and a half years sober. I stopped being a whiny excuse maker (mostly lol) around 2 or 3 years sober. This is a slow process. First things first. Alcohol.
First things first in terms of you: Self-care. He is either going to drink or not, smoke or not, make stupid excuses for bad behavior or not....what are you going to do? That is your task right now.
I can share, too, that fear kept me stuck for years and years, fear is the enemy that prevents us from getting well. Fight fear (which is the disease) with everything you have by forcing yourself into the healing rooms of al-anon. Just as an alcoholic cannot recover on his own, neither can we. Just as an alcoholic can come up with a million excuses, so can we. Mine were ridiculous. thankfully, I just kept doing "the next right thing" which, for me, was just "showing up." I had to, I had exhausted all other avenues and I had nowhere else to go.
We have a thinking problem. we can't cure our sick mind with our sick mind by isolating and staying home alone with our head, aaaaack! This thing requires action, I gotta surround myself with the message, I hear the solution in the meetings and then I feel better.... I stay connected with others who are working this thing, and then I feel better.... that's why I keep coming back.
Go ahead and show up with your fear, heck, bring it along, you won't be the only one. and then, you'll feel better. you deserve to feel better
We're going with you, in spirit. let us know how it goes, keep posting (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you for the encouragement! I went to the meeting yesterday morning and it helped me a bunch. No sponsor yet, but I was able to talk to others about how I was afraid to ask someone to be my sponsor and they shared their journey of finding a sponsor with me. It made things less frightening.
I also shared in the group about my husband and my mom. I haven't shared here about how my mom's drinking is REALLY escalating and her behavior is very erratic, but that she's "not an alcoholic, she just has a couple of cocktails." Sigh.
It felt good to talk, to watch all of the heads nod in understanding, and to receive support and to give support after the meeting. I wouldn't have gone yesterday if it weren't for the encouragement I got here. Thank You!
How wonderful House Cat, really pleased you got yourself to a meeting, sending you a big hug for that, im yet to get to my first meeting, (just travel arrangements need sorting), and I wish I could share some experience strength and hope with you but im a newbie and wouldn't even begin to start spouting what I know nothing about yet,,but I just wanted you to know that im proud of you for going to that meeting when you really were putting it off, that took a lot of courage, so well done you hunnie, im scared of when I actually do get to a meeting, going up and asking someone to sponsor me!! arghhh!! lol
