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My AH knows that I am not interested in sleeping with him when he is drunk however we have very differing views about what constitutes drunk. I think he starts acting like an idiot after 2-3 drinks, he thinks it comes a lot later. Problem is he is extremely amorous when he's drinking and my saying no always results in a fight which becomes verbally aggressive. How can I say no without feeling guilt and giving into the litany of verbal abuse that always ensues?
I don't think you should feel guilty whenever you're not up for an amorous night. We are in charge of our own bodies and we don't owe anyone. But it sounds as if he is trying to use guilt to manipulate you -- as if you should automatically want whatever he wants, whenever he wants it, no matter what you yourself feel, and as if you're selfish if you don't capitulate to his selfishness! Don't the brainwaves of alcoholics just astonish you sometimes!
As for the aggressive argument -- he's using that to try to control the situation too. Of course if you agree to his advances, then he thinks the aggression has worked. And he'll try it even more next time. But the thing is that we never have to put up with verbal abuse. How you can avoid it depends on your situation. Maybe you can leave the room, or maybe there's a way to have him leave the room. Maybe it would work to put earphones on and do something else, or maybe that wouldn't work. Maybe leaving the house would be necessary. If he sees you not bending to his control, it's likely that at first he'll just try harder. They hate it when we react to the disease, because they want everyone to pretend that the disease isn't happening. It's invisible, or it's non-existent. They hate hate hate having to face what they are doing to themselves and other people. And of course they will never head toward recovery while they're avoiding facing it.
I hope you have a meeting you can get to? I know there are many many people who face similar situations. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
You have a right to say NO . sleeping with a practicing alcoholic is painful to say the least . I asked my husb to come to bed smelling of zest and toothpaste otherwise leave me alone .. luckily for me he was not aggressive and accepted no without an argument .
This is a personal choice, sexual problems with the Alcoholic can be daunting.
I married the Alcoholic in 1884 and by 1991, I was not having sex with him And only had sex with him a few more times after that and we separated in 2005.
After awhile, he didnt approach me, we mostly slept in separate bedrooms because of his horrible snoring. This is my personal opinion but I want to be direct and as honest as I can be.
An alcoholic will probably seek sex outside of the marriage if he is not having it at home, here's another opinion an aloholic will seek sex outside the marriage even if he is having it at home.
I know my husband did. I just couldnt take the chance of catching anything from him. As with all of our decisions, we must not feel guilty, they make their choices too. There is always consequences, even for us. Never put anything past an alcoholic. They play sexual games.
Just keep coming back, because it works if you work it.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 27th of October 2012 01:32:52 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 27th of October 2012 01:57:59 PM
Well...I can't say what will work for you cuz I don't know how volatile your husband is and I'm not sure what reaction would be true to yourself. If it were me, I'd be inclined to say "It's bad enough that you get drunk all the time, I'm especially not going to have sex with you like that" I would wait until he was sober to say that probably. If there was a litany of verbal abuse after that, I would say "I told you no. I love you and care about you, but now is not the time and if you want to verbally abuse me, the time is going to be never." I can think of a few other things I might say in response to verbal abuse, but it amounts to the same thing. It's abuse and I wouldn't tolerate it. I definitely wouldn't be someone's sex slave or feel guilty about saying no either. In other relationships, I did have that issue. In retrospect, we did not connect and neither party was compromising to make the connection work. Hence, those relationships ended as much as I clung to them trying to make them work while being unhappy and unfulfilled.
I know my responses sound snarky and it could escalate another person's anger, but that is what I would probably say and do. I wouldn't tolerate it and my relationship/marriage could end over it. I dunno exactly what is right for you within the set of choices you have available.
I certainly empathize cuz I know how drunks act and you SOOOO don't deserve that.
Lizabelle, I sympathize with you. I have the exact same problem you describe. In fact, sometimes I have even been forced to do some things that I consider kind of like a hooker in a whore house would do. I decided a few months ago when I found out he was cheating, I would not accomodate him anymore when drunk. The sex is awful and unappealing and forced. When he is sober, he doesn't seem interested. Stand your ground and say no when he is drinking. My AH is the same way, it only takes a few beers for him to be really forceful, give me a guilt trip for not meeting his needs and then get verbal. I have even more guilt now that he's cheated, like I didn't please him enough--but I know that's not true. It's not my fault. The problem has grown and when-ever he comes near, things are tense. I don't have any answers for you, but I do remember something a counselor once said to me, "Don't reward him with sex when he is drunk. Reward him when he is sober." Only works when he is interested and sober, but that's his issue. I refuse to feel bad anymore.
