The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will not play into his moods, I will not fall prey to the alcoholics 'emotion' of the moment. I will let him be miserable if he needs to be and not worry about whether I'm at fault for this negative attitude. I will work my program, say the serenity prayer, and then go do something for myself. LIKE GO FOR A WALK! Can I just say that I am so happy that the temperatures are coming down finally because I can go out and enjoy an evening walk without sweating, LOL!
FYI: I had to come on here to type this stuff up because AH is ticked off at me because I won't let him drive my car to the airport and I don't want to drive his ignition interlock car. I had to find a friend to take me to the airport next week and he's mad that I said NO to his suggestions. It's amazing how pouty he becomes, and how indignant he is just because I don't want to break the law and let him drive my car. UGH!
Sounds like he's really invested in pretending that being an alcoholic with a DUI doesn't matter. Boy, does that take a lot of denial. That "SICK" sign on the forehead is standing out loud and clear.
And you're taking good care of yourself. I can feel your determination not to let anything disturb your serenity. Inspiring!
Yep, thats just what it is? their moods, we have just had an episode with a toaster belive it or not, hubbies blew up at work and he has been struggling to find one to accomadate the size of slice of bread he wants to toast, he's bought a couple and took them back, so I ordered and bought him a classic one, was so excited for him to recieve it and be happy, but oh nooooooooooooooooo, he brought it home in disgust, and said I f I wanted a stupid sized toaster I could have it, I didn't need one but in the end I have let him take our home one to work, I got the new one out just to see and dropped a slice of bread in side ways and vwola no prbs, I even wrang the supplier to complain the toaster was not a classic and now feel a numpty because I should know after all these years their feelings arn't FACTS, phewee I am 30+ years with this man and he still gets me most times
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
When my partner is sad, I give him a hug and a kiss. I listen and say "I'm sorry you feel sad." I acknowledge it's not something I can control any more. Why would it be my fault? He has to find the answers to what makes him happy. I play therapist all day anyhow and need to not do it at home.
Because this relationship is just over 2 years old, we are all "in love" and what not (snicker), I do care about his moods. Of course I care. He's not an alcoholic though. I have been there and done that. I remember my ex-A's serious depression, funks, and tirades about how awful the world was, how awful certain people were... It made my world really small and dark.
If you cared enough and thought his mood was coming from a "sober" place...which it might be, you could validate it with a simple statement such as "Honey, I know you are frustrated with the interlock device and it's a pain. I know you are trying to find the easiest way to help and get things done. This situation is temporary." It obviously is frustrating for him and depressing even though it's the consequences of his actions. You guys have so much tension in your communication that the simplest things are turning into arguments. I would act pouty too if my partner acted like he didn't give a crap about my moods. During my drinking days, my reaction to that was to amp up the emotions and reactions because I assumed I just wasn't being heard. Hence, "I feel sad" turned into "I feel like killing myself." I wanted validation so badly. It was pretty sick. I was sick. He was sick. The relationship was sick. I know you are trying to do your part on you. The relationship is sick and he's sick though. That much is evident.
P.S. - I mentioned the term validation here a couple times because it is something you heard from the marriage counselor. There are multiple ways to take a situation. If a person is actively drinking or seriously mentally ill, detaching from their moods is a pretty healthy boundary. I'm not the judge of whether what you are doing is a good alanon tactic or one that runs counter to having a caring and reciprocal relationship. Only you can figure that out.
I like your response, Pinkchip. Not sure how it would have gone over or how it would have riled his feathers. We got into an argument over shoes and scuff marks the other day that he just started in on me for no reason, too. It's like he's trying to pick fights in a sick effort to connect with me. I walked away from that one and had to go call my sponsor because it was sheer insanity. We have our marriage counselor today so I may bring up this issue and use your response if I can.
My AH is exactly the same way. You just never know which guy you're going to get. Like you, there are days/times when I really struggle to just walk away from it. I think discussing it with the marriage counselor is a GREAT idea! What did the counselor have to say?
