(( Lmtjude)) (( )) = hugs

Welcome to MIP. You are definitely in the right place. I am sorry you are going thru this, I know and feel your pain as our son is an addict. And I had to hit my own bottom with this disease before I came crawling into Alanon desperate for an answer on how to help or fix my son. Alanon is a program just for you, not to help your daughter or son-in-law with their drinking problems. That is NOT what I wanted to hear when I got here and I was ready to leave the program because if I couldn't fix my son what was the point of my being here right? Well, those of us who are affected by this disease become at times just as sick as the alcoholic/addict. I sure did. I came here broken in a million pieces and considered myself a hopeless case. But a wise old timer challenged me to work the program, really work it and he said "the program is free, if after 6 months you do not feel this program is for you we will gladly refund you your misery". Those were some of the most powerful words I had ever heard up until then. I couldn't live with the misery anymore, it consumed every part of my being. So I took him up on that challenge. I went to meeting after meeting mostly online because there is only 1 meeting (face to face) in my area and I needed more than 1 meeting a week that's for sure. I met people in my same circumstances and found I wasn't alone any more. That alone was a huge relief to me. I should have known that as I was born into this disease and lived with it all my life. I tried recovery 20+ yrs ago and walked away from it, a huge regret i carry. Had I learned back then the healthy coping skills and behaviors Alanon has now taught me I maybe could have passed them on to our children. But I just didn't believe I belonged back then, I mean I wasn't the alcoholic or addict. I was the "fixer" the "enabler" a role i was taught from my earliest memories, even though I was the youngest. I took my role very seriously. Neither my husband nor i drink or do drugs but we both come from very addictive families. And we love our families very much despite their disease. But we didn't want our children exposed to the daily drama and trauma this disease carries. So we moved away when they were young thinking surely that would break the cycle. However us growing up with the disease had given us a warped sense of the world, admittedly we were dysfunctional with coping skills that were unhealthy. This happens also just growing up in any kind of dysfunctional home. And I don't know many families or people who don't have their dysfunctions. But a geographical change wasn't enough to stop our son from becoming an addict. The fact that we were very involved parents didn't stop it. The fact we adored our children and did everything to support them didn't stop it. When we come to Alanon we learn the 3C's. We didn't Cause it, We Can't Control it and we Can't Cure it. That alone is a lot to wrap your head around especially if you are a parent. Because we raised them right? So we must have gone wrong somewhere right? Honestly I have spent countless hours reliving my sons childhood trying as hard as I can to find the just one thing we missed or did wrong. While sober and even not sober my son will tell us, his addiction had nothing to do with us and nothing we could have done would have prevented it. And frankly that's the truth about anyone who is addicted. It has nothing to do with you, it's personal, about them. Another hard lesson, not to take it personally. Especially as we listen to lie after lie. Personally I used to badger my son for how ever long it took for him just to admit he was high. And what for? Just to confirm what I was seeing right in front of my eyes or hearing on the phone.
When I first got here I had to hear some hard truths I didn't want to hear or believe. Like, Stay out of my sons business, he's a grown man with the ability to make his own decisions and pay the consequences for his behavior. That only his Higher Power (if he believes) has the ability to help him, I was not that powerful. That I was not powerful enough to help or fix and other person, place or thing. That was very humbling. That this program is for me to get better, to become the person I was meant to be, not the person I was raised to be. To always take care of myself 1st and foremost (which was a concept that was completely outside the box for me). I could go on and on about what this program can do for you and how you can claim your own miracle despite the actions of your daughter or her husband. But I will urge you to find an alanon meeting or meetings in your area, start attending, working the steps, getting a sponsor and putting the focus back on you and your life. It is hard at times, I fought it quite a bit in the beginning, wasted a lot of time doing that.
The part you don't want to hear unfortunately is the actions and behaviors of your daughter and her husband are out of your hands. There is nothing you can humanly possible do to fix their actions or behaviors. They are adults and should be allowed the dignity to make their own choices. And with that comes consequences they need to face those also without you jumping in to help them. Now your granddaughter is the innocent here. That's a fact. And she should be protected. How that happens depends on all kinds of circumstances. Personally, My brother was a long time heroin user with a girlfriend who was a pill popper. My brother had custody of his youngest daughter. I loved my brother addict or not but he and his girlfriend had a very volatile relationship. And they had guns in the house. After one time my brother went on a bender for days and his girlfriend did an OD I took my niece and called child protective services. Of course they did an investigation and blew if off. So we went to a lawyer to see our chances of getting custody. Lawyer told us no way we would get custody. But anyway I spoke with my brother who was mad at me for like a week for calling child services and we told him we had consulted a lawyer. We did not tell him what the lawyer told us. We just said we could do this the easy way and have him sign his daughter over or we can spend needless money and go to court. Although an addict my brother adored his daughter and wanted the best for her and signed her over to us. We didn't do it to keep them apart what so ever. He came and visited daily, never missed a day unless he was on a bender. He truly tried to do what was in his daughters best interest (that's rare for an addict). And she lived with us until she was a senior in HS. Than she didn't like our rules, like any teenager and she moved back with her dad. Only cause he felt guilty and let her get away with things that we wouldn't. How you protect to try to your granddaughter only you can decide. I went the route I knew would work for my situation. But if you know she is drinking and driving with her daughter in the car, i wouldn't hesitate to call the police. But that's me.
Sorry if I gave you a lot of information to absorb. Really I wanted you to know... meetings meetings meetings (even if it's the meetings we have here twice daily they are very good, you are not alone, we are all here to support you in whatever decisions you make. And please give it a chance, give yourself a chance at a more serene life. Alanon can offer you all that.
I wish you the best
You and your family will be in my prayers!
Sorry again I was so long winded but I know 1st hand what you are going thru with an addicted daughter, many of us in the meeting can relate very much!
Blessings
X