Don't know what God's will is? - Al-Anon Family Group

Highlyfavored · Senior Member

Don't know what God's will is?

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if this is any comfort or help - a long time ago someone told me or I read somewhere that its best to view any money loaned as a gift to the loanee. IF you get any of the money back, wonderful; if you don't get any money back, you don't feel the loss because it was viewed as a gift. Also imparted was the wisdom to not loan money you can't afford to not get back. This summer I loaned a small sum to someone who promised to pay me back, loaned it because I had it and she needed help, loaned it thinking I may never get it back and so far it doesn't look like I will be and that's ok because I loaned it knowing it may not come back. I have, in my lifetime, received loans from people and gifts from people, I have tried to pass on the helping someone out who needed it because I had it to give. Four plus years ago someone recognized my need for a vehicle and GAVE me a used car, no strings attached - how giving was that? how much did that gesture lift me up and impress me to look for opportunitys to do the same for someone else? I found a hundred dollar bill a few months ago, looked for the owner and when the owner wasn't found, I opened myself up for direction on what to do with it, gave it away to someone in need. You might say I've been looking to impart some of Mother Theresa into my life, letting go of earthly possessions and giving back. In reading your post I think of how it must be to be that nephew or that nephew's wife or kids - how lucky you are to have been able to give something to help out someone in need.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I certainly can't claim to speak for God smile , but the way I see it, God opens things up for us to make our own decisions. I also have heard that we should always regard a loan as a gift that might unexpectedly be paid back. I know this is especially hard when the person has sworn they will pay it back, but then when the time comes they're not as interested in paying it back as they were when they needed the loan. Those people often don't get lent money by the same person twice, for obvious reasons. I hear you saying, I think, "Did I make a wrong decision?" In terms of getting the money back, maybe. But maybe if you hadn't, you'd be second-guessing yourself and worrying. You erred on the side of generosity. I'm not sure there's a wholly right or wrong about the situation. That's just my view on in.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Did you take anything as collateral?

What a mess. NO excuse for his behavior. I would camp on his couch.

When I had money and people asked for a loan, we were not rich, I said it is up to you if you pay it back or not. I never expected them to, they always did

The guilt is on them. I am sad you need it. No is ok to say.

I believe I would ask them what day can you pay a down off the loan, and what day every month will you be sending a payment? And set an amount.

Have you spoken to an attorney? Going to court would probably be useless if it was small claims. YOu can win but then you have to figure out how to get them to pay! I don't know if his SSD is garnishable. YOu could let them know that if they don't stick to the payment schedule, you will be persuing this in court.

Sister? His mother??? What does she have to say?

As far as God's will, its not like he made this happen. Nephew chose to make these decisions WE have free wil.

For me, to get comfort I put it in HP's hands. Give it all up. LEt go and give it up to the creator. IF that is your belief.

My mother helped me as I was a widow with two babies to teens. I would have been so sad if she had given me more than she should have, and it hurt her! I would listen to her say oh I need a new tv etc. So then the kids and I would go get her a tv and vcr. Daughter and I put in a garden, raised bed to surprise her. I am sure if they put out some effort it would mean a lot.

I guess I would do my best to look at it in a loving way. It was wonderful of you to help.

love,debilyn

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

You did what you felt was the right thing to do at the time. It's always a risk when we lend money. It's really unfortunate what's happened to your nephew and to you as well. Only you can decide how much time energy and serenity you are willing to spend to get your money back from them. If you keep asking your higher power for guidance, you'll know what to do next. I can only share my own experience, strength and hope with you relating to this kind of thing. I found when I hit a wall when trying to recoup money from others, somehow with a little time, trust in God and some ingenuity, new money would come to me. Hugs. TT

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Highly and tho the situation is not very likeable the post is awesome. The responses are right down the road I was brought on in the program and it is good to hear them again. Higher Power's will...same as Higher Power's name for me...Love and love unconditionally and always even when you are trying to get the money repaid and even if it is or is not...Mother Theresa (already mentioned) wrote a book entitled "Love Always" which is a great read and not a long one (for which I am grateful). I learned on this journey in recovery that love isn't so much what I do and more a part of my character.

You were loving when you gave up the money...no need to stop yet. Turn it over to your HP and your home group and your sponsor. You done good!! (((((hugs))))) smile

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I have mixed feelings on this.

I get that loaning money is a risk.

I also feel that far too many people are given a "pass" because we don't want to make trouble....and that is how these folks continue to suck us all dry.

Yes, he has a disability. This does not absolve him of financial responsibility.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this....

RP

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The lesson is simple:

You are a kind and giving person. Stay that way but be careful when loaning out money. Most times when people are desperate enough to ask friends and family for money, they have gotten themselves in a jam pretty bad due at least partially to their own bad choices. This makes them a bad bet for paying me back. If I loan out money, I figure I wont get it back most of the time. It's a gift basically.

Please don't feel anything but kind and giving. As much as you need that money back, would you trade it to be in the situation your nephew is in? Heck no! My sponsor has told me that when I have a resentment, try to think if I would want to trade places with the person I have a resentment towards. The answer is almost always a resounding "no" and that helps me realize I am better off than whoever has "wronged" me and it gets me back to feeling grateful again... To a degree.

God can't turn everyone "unselfish" or make everyone act by spiritual principles. God is your guide though and that is all that matters.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

You have a signed agreement, that will hold up in court. The problem is this, if he's spent the money already, you have nothing to recoup. He has no paycheck to garnish either. So you'll have incurred expenses in court (including travel it seems) to have a pretty document saying 'yes he owes you'.

One time and one time only I loaned money after years of my father drilling into us kids not to ever loan money to people unless we never expected to get it back. I did get most of the money back, but it was thankfully a cheaper version of the lesson. I'm sorry your nephew is showing himself to not be trustworthy, and whether this was God-led or not, it could be viewed many ways. A lesson learned.

I tend to think back to the statement "give only when you have it to give" and it sounds like you really did not have that money to give, if its something you need now today.

I hate seeing people taken advantage of and I sure wish it wasn't as common as it is, but you could go through court and request garnishment of his income and as some point if he comes in to money, you'll be able to get it. I don't know the process fully but if he has CS they will take 50% of anything he gets from the government until he's paid off what he owes. This includes his tax refunds, unemployment checks, SSI checks, or any other type of government benefit. It's automatic, he doesn't even touch that 50%.

Highlyfavored · Senior Member

Thank you all for your helpful responses. What I heard, and I agree, this recovery journey is about unconditional love, trusting God, (H.P.) for guidance, and letting go of anything that could block your spiritual connection to H.P.'s will, and for me letting go of fear of what his will is. Today, I let go of anger/resentment, pray for compassion and healing for my nephew, and surrender this entire matter to God.

In" the language of letting go" 12/12, my B/D (LOL) Melody Beattie prayer is: "Today, I will ask God to show me what God wants me to do for this day, and then ask for help to do that. I will trust that is sufficient to take me into light and joy.

Thanks for being here, I'll keep coming back!

Gettingitright!!

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