Having trouble dealing with his continued selfishness - Al-Anon Family Group

Wendy O · Newbie

Having trouble dealing with his continued selfishness

Adi · Member

Hi Wendy

I am struggling with anger too, it seems worse since my A has been sober, I expect him to have answers which I know he hasn't got, to be honest I find all of this difficult even needing support is making me angry. I think what I am beginning to realise is that wether I decide to go or stay ( I am considering) I now need help to recover from the effects of alcohol even though I dont drink. I need to learn to relax and be me again and I can't do that if I stay angry.

I am only just beginning with alanon so I hope the steps help me find some peace...I hope they help you find peace too. I think maybe they (our A's) cant help being selfish, but we can manage our reaction to it.

take care

Adi Xx

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Wendy...might want to get with your sponsor or home group and raise the subject of "Self Love" which is not the same as Love of self or egotism/self centeredness. Self Love as I learned it in the rooms of Al-Anon was about learning how not to leave the responsibility for my peace of mind and serenity with the alcoholic/addict. It mean't taking care of my own needs and about "loving" her without "needing" her. When I learned that I arrived at responsiblity to and for self and got into balance. It took a lot of work and open minded listening after asking for help from others. When I arrived at loving her with out condition like I loved myself and others the balance came. When she continued on her selfish...self seeking ways I continued on with my own life. It seems and sounds strange listening to the suggestion of "not filling a God sized hole with the alcoholic" and that worked for me. I started letting go of wanting to have her be what she didn't understand and was not able to do.

In support...Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Part of recovery is making an honest inventory of yourself and making changes. That is what a plan of recovery is. If he is not going to AA, and working on more than just drinking, he is not in recovery. He is just not drinking. Just the fruitcake with out the nuts.

You are right, we need to work on us. HUGS, debilyn

AnnieE · Newbie

Dear Wendy,

I have had the same experience in a two + year relationship with a 25year+ sober man. Although we were able to speak about the importance of sobriety we struggled to be able to overcome his selfishness and experienced issues with intamacy. After seeing a couples therapist we decided to end our relationship. My partner was simply unable to see how his actions were negatively affecting his ability to "connect" with my needs.

After going throught this experience I have been doing some reading about relationships that include recovery. I think, in my case, many of the personality traits that were present when my partners was actively drinking, still remain. He is very active in AA, and although I completely support this, I do feel that he was able to meet many of his emotional needs with his association and friends in AA and it complicated my ability to find my place in his life.

It is my understanding that AA works on recovery, but does not really go into what the specific issues may have led to dependence on alcohol. Something that I feel would really have helped in our situation.

I have also found that relationships that survive active alcohol use must truly undergo a major adjustment for both people when sobriety enters the mix.

In my case therapy really helped me understand my part (trying to make things right, but not really being vocal about my needs to avoid conflict) and how that affected my partner.

I'm so happy that you're reaching out. Feeling confused and alone in never a good thing....and you are definetly not alone.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and hope that you are able to find a path to deal with your own feeling and needs in your relationship.

Take good care of yourself.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I was on vacation last week with my sober for 12 yrs. (and in AA all that time) hubby. We were making our plans for one of our days and he, for the first time ever, actually said, "I don't want to seem selfish, but this is what I want to do today." And then he told me what his desires were. I just said fine, go do it and have a good time.

What I didn't reply to him was that my feelings were that he could do whatever he wanted to do and if we happened to be doing the same thing, then great. If not, still great. Just because he told me what he wanted to do didn't mean that I had to change what I wanted to do.

We used to be a couple where he led and I followed. Even if I wanted something else, I would change my plans to accomodate his. That was MY fourth step....that I was too nice. I learned in AlAnon to take care of myself. And to lower my expectations and stop going to the hardware store for bread. It is what it is.

If he doesn't consider what you need doesn't mean that YOU don't have to consider what you need. You don't have to feel guilty. You can state your desires and then agree to disagree. To remain angry only hurts you and increases your stress levels while he continues on his merry way.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think its a huge setp to be aware that someone is not meeting your needs for companionship, empathy and closeness. Some people do indeed never get to a point of being able to consider others. For some alcoholics in recovery superficiality is as far as they can go. Iin some instances that is a huge step and indeed one that isn't causing havoc wherever they go. I spend many many years grieving that no one in my immediate family found any semblance of recovery. Then I got to a point of letting go. Of course before I let go I had to grieve what never was. There was a time when the holidays was like a huge gaping hole reminding me of the family I never had and never would have. I had to walk through that to get to the other side. Indeed Christmas for so many years was a constant feeling of being abandoned and lost and angry and bereft. I think grief is a hard thing to walk through but beyond it is a way to accept and negotiate what is rather than what "should be". Does my Christmas now involve hallmark moments not really but I can't say the through of Christmas fills me with dread and loneliness any more at all.

I know having a sponsor and having some people in recovery who I can relate to helps me tremendously and I hope you can find them wherever you can. There is no doubt being in a relationship is sometimes far more lonely than being alone. I have walked through that gate as well and can tell you there is some relief although it may take some time. For me personally it has had to start with my own relationship with myself and my acceptance of where I am rather than all those yardsticks I used to judge myself with. Serenity for some of us is hard won. Having faith in the hard times is a real test of strength and courage.

Maresie.

InspiredPhotography · Senior Member

This thread made me cry. That is exactly how I feel today. I really needed that love, attention, affection and support. He just wasn't there. EMPTY. BLANK. WITHDRAWN. I think for me why it hurts so much is because I have experienced that my entire childhood. Never getting my own needs met. I had a support in place tonight that we were going have dinner, let our kids play and have a nice relaxing time with tea (with a friend). He basically took that away from me. Nothing says that he had to come in to chat, or see anyone. I could have easily been ready and waiting for him after his meeting tonight. Ofcourse no, he basically told me that I am not going to control him. Wow. Ok. Suddenly I am the bad person when I am not depending on him but reaching out to another??

My mom was always that way. She was there when she needed something then absent when she wanted her own way. Same with my dad. They were both very non-exsitence parents. I am always there for my kids, 100% but gosh I need some time for myself too. I never get a break. Rarely. So like Al Anon states I have to take care of myself too. Suddenly that was downplayed today. Like someeone mentioned maybe that is all he can give (or as far as he can go). Wow. that hit me like a ton of bricks. Just when I think I have heard it all, I have yet to find another piece of the puzzle.

I guess I am really going to have swallow this up as a learning experience tonight.

Wendy O · Newbie

Thanks for the support. I guess we just keep moving forward.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the hardest things for me accept was that I taught my husb how to treat me , I accepted unexceptable behavior for yrs so he was only doing what had always worked for him , lower your expectations and the selfishness won't hurt so much . take care of your own needs get happy , looking for support from an alcoholic is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread , Al-Anons listen to me they don't tell me I am wrong they let me cry when I need to , speak your mind but then let it go and don't expect that anything will change its just important that you speak up and you do this for you .

Wendy O · Newbie

Thanks for the response. I guess my struggle is with his lack responsibilities. He has an office right off the kitchen and it is a disaster. I am a neat freak and it puts me over the edge. Not sure why he can't fix this issue, but he won't. He says he will, but that never happens. Am I just to critical? I try to let it go, and it works for awhile, but when I see this "eye sore" I can feel my blood pressure rise. He knows this is a sore subject, but will not make changes. I suggested that we install a door to his office. That way I can just shut the door, but he won't have anything to do with it. I don't know why he is so stubborn. Does he lack the ability to care for my feelings. ashamed

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.