The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have now been to 2 Alanon meetings, the people there are kind and helpful but when I hear what some have been through I feel guilty. My A has never said a bad word, raised a hand, put lives in danger had a day off work, he is a poor coper and has no self esteem. He has always had issues around being near lots of people and has difficulty talking to people due to no confidence. I thought he was doing well at AA however he has 'just left' saying he can't do the helping others as he struggles to speak with anyone. I dont know which way to turn as he has spent months telling me the AA has saved his life but now he say's he is unsure if he is an alcoholic because he doesnt act like one....My A believes he wont drink again, I don't believe him and think I want to leave, it was never really about the alcohol it was the lies and being left to deal with everything alone. I feel alone again and angry, I didnt want any of this, I'm sorry, I didn't want to give up precious time to meet strangers and discuss alcohlism but I did for me for him, now all the boundaries have changed again...sometimes I think I hate him.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress I am glad that you attended a few alanon meetings and found them safe places . I do hear you and do understand the confusion and frustration that you feel regarding seeking help for yourself. Living with the disease of alcoholism affects everyone in an negative manner. We then need a program of recovery in order to regain our lives, our self esteem, our dreams. You deserve to be happy.
Please keep coming back and try attending a few more meetings.
Friends always start out as strangers. Welcome. I don't have any definitive answers for you.
I attend AA much more than Alanon and I can tell you that some folks sit for a couple years without saying 2 or 3 words before they can speak up and look people in the eye. Your husband is no different, but it sounds like you know that already.
I understand your fear and concern - they are valid.
Alcoholics tend to show 2 different types of manifestations. There is the "dominant" type who is always trying to get power over his fellows, and there is the "dependent" type who is always leaning on someone stronger than him. Like me, your husband sounds like the dependent type. Like me, he probably becomes frustrated at all the dominators in the rooms of AA. I am, in fact, such the dependent type that I am co-dependent (which is why later I went to Alanon).
There are some real a--holes in AA, that's for sure, but I try to notice the half that aren't a--holes. Accepting the other half helps me mature spiritually. My feeling about them is this: Who cares? Life's too short to let that interfere with my sobriety.
For the dependent type of alcoholic, we still need to find a loving sponsor who can guide us through the 12 steps as laid out in the Big book of AA (the only place there ever has been or ever will be an actual set of directions for the 12 steps). When we get the willingness, we do it. The Alanon stuff I worked on later. It is a process and no one is powerful enough to keep me from it.
This means I had to be willing to stick around in pain until i saw a sponsor who i felt knew the program real well, showed up for AA a lot, and who seemed kind and trustworthy. I asked God for help (even though I didn't know God then) and He brought her right to me. I had to be open to seeing her and then get the courage to ask her for help. I was in my early 40s and it was like asking someone out on a date.
As for you, you have every right to do what feels right for you.
Thankyou all for your responses, I don't know what I am doing at the moment, I am finding my head is all over the place. I did meet my A's sponsor and found him to be very 'in your face' about the AA, I honestly think my other half was scared off by the biggness of it all and the fact that at some point he would have to speak, or sponsor someone. He was so affraid of getting it wrong he left...Is that normal. Yes he is the dependant type and yes he finds it hard to challenge or suggest, I worry that he has left the AA (when he appeared to be doing well) because he was unable to tell his sponsor that he didn't feel he was the right person for him.
I went to Alanon as suggested and as I said they are lovely people, I wonder about some things though, like will I really get to the point were I understand that I can do nothing about any of this, it seems that people accept their loved ones are alcoholics and can 'say nothing' is it not just turning a blind eye to the problem in your home..I just dont understand
It feels like I am waiting for him to start drinking again, I am being told he will by Alanon and AA members I know, but know my A doubts he is an alcoholic this is so hard. Im not a daft woman, I have a goood job I work in mental health crisis, so why cant i work anything out?
Aloha Adi. Your husband sounds like me when I first got into recovery...I also left not so much scared off I felt and "pissed" off rather. I didn't like others who where doing my "in your face act" so that was more competition than I could stand. Later thru the investigations steps and counselor work I discovered that I was truely "fear based" and had been for a while it was thru the gentler door of Al-Anon that I arrived also into AA and for that I am beyond grateful. What I did was finally get into Al-Anon and make the commitment to do 90 meetings in 90 days. There were more than enough combined meetings where I got in to do that. I reserved judgement for that period of time and as suggested sat and listened with an open mind looking at the similarities in the mutual shares including my own while not projecting doom and gloom into my future beyond one day only. Living one day at a time really worked for me. I accepted that my alcoholic/addict wife was a sick person and not a bad person doing her drinking and using and all the other stuff specifically just to hurt me; it did hurt me and that is not the reason why she was doing it...she was doing it because if she tried not to the disease would just beat the heck out of her for stopping. In recovery we arrive at the awarenesses over time and with help and support from others who have gone before us. In my care I couldn't have dreamed up that journey of healing if I had to. Just keep coming back and do as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days for Adi only and build your relationship with a Higher Power greater than your alcoholic.
